AIBU to think some school policies are at least partially responsible for the rise in pupil unhappiness?

My children are markedly more unhappy than I was at school. My brother did have a diagnosis of dyslexia, not that it helped him at all, but I was bullied to high heaven. It was horrific, I had my hair set on fire, I was pushed down stairs, I had glass bottles broken on the back of my legs. No wonder I Developed an acerbic personality and anxiety and depression.
Yet my children seem to be traumatised, especially my youngest who has a medical issue (inflamed duodenum) which is caused by school anxiety. He is 8, he should enjoy school. I didn’t like being bullied by my peers, but I knew I was safe in the classroom. He fears his teachers as much as I feared the girls who bullied me, which is so wrong. No child should ever fear a teacher bullying them. But it happens.

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I think the boundaries between school and home have been blurred, which stokes resentment from parents and the kids.

I attended a relatively strict state school in the noughties, and we were given letters to take home. The occasional letter was sent in the post directly to our parents. But now, parents receive text messages and emails well into the evening which they are expected to reply to.

Detentions for relatively minor uniform infringements are the standard, and not always feasible if parents work, or kids have to get the bus home. There’s no need for an afterschool detention because you once wore black socks instead of grey, which would not be seen unless you lifted your trouser legs up. Meanwhile you’ve got kids bullying everyone and being disruptive little horrors and nothing is done about it.

The most incredible rule I find which has come into play in recent years is the “your hair is too short” directed at the boys with a short back and sides. As if a standard military hair cut is not acceptable in a school! I remember a lad at my school had patches of alopecia and always had a shaved head. I often wonder whether he would have to walk around looking like a block of Swiss cheese if he were at school today.

I used to live with a man who worked in a school. Every member of his family was a teacher and to be frank, he was a ridiculous person. He would frown upon any of the kids who had any sense of agency and none of the rules were ever to be questioned.

If children find a normal school life more traumatising than how it was back in the day, then it’s a matter of resilience.

Parents knew that school was shit and managed expectations accordingly but even though objectively things are better, provisions are made for ND kids and there are far more restrictions against teachers, people claim their kids are more unhappy than ever.

Expecting the children to be happy as well is just not feasible.

My old state school now has special astroturf and you can only step onto it if you are wearing a special pair of trainers.

Rotations in lessons might mean you only spend six hour long lessons on the turf in a school year, but every student MUST buy a pair of these trainers. Needless to say, they are not cheap. And some kids might literally wear these for less than 5 hours before they grow out of them.

Things like this do nothing but breed resentment.

But then we feared the teachers too as they were physically aggressive sometimes and certainly shouted and screamed at us

I understand this, expecially when other departments are crying out for money for eveyday materials and supplies.

But 4G pitches are the sort of crap that the governemnt gives out funding for.

Agreed. We have a 4G pitch (I don't know what that means... I just know we have it) which was funded for us. There's no way we could have afforded it.

Our students don't actually use it but we make money from renting it out after school/weekends/holidays.

Are they only allowed to wear the trainers when using the astroturf? Couldn't the same trainers be worn for normal PE?

They can only be worn on the special pitch. Another pair of trainers are needed for the sports hall, grass and concrete.

If all parents fulfilled their responsibilities properly schools would be much better places. Right now teachers have to teach, be social workers, etiquette and hygiene instructors, counsellors, food bank officers, probation officers, mentors, parents and everything in between. They can't just teach. If kids have no boundaries or proper guidance at home on how to be a constructive member of society, then schools will have to be more restrictive to account for this. Many parents are failing in their duty to raise considerate children.

I agree that parents are the problem. They aren't raising their children to be attentive and respectful.

They never did that to me at all. As far as I can remember no one was scared of teachers at all. But even if they were, surely not scared of teachers teasing them, mocking them, making them the butt of every single joke. Not to the point where the teacher tells other teachers in front of the class “Adam is doing X, Y, Z, isn’t that girly/stupid/silly” and actively ADDING to the bullying.
Surely that’s not how it used to be?

That is exactly how it used to be, ime. Teachers were just as likely to humiliate the kids and encourage the rest of the class to join in.

See that’s dreadful. It was never like that for me growing up, my teachers were really caring and kind. They could see the abuse I was getting off my peers and made the classrooms a safe space. One teacher even let me have my lunch in her office because she was so worried.
But every single day my son comes home from school with yet another humiliation that a teacher (not even HIS teacher) has started and then they’ve encouraged the kids to pile on. When my son has reported it he’s been told he’s got a wild imagination or a teacher would never say/do that. But I’ve actually SEEN and heard it myself. The way teachers talk to parents and children is vile, no wonder he’s so sick!

My older son is in secondary school, and the teachers are like my old teachers. Firm but fair; kind and responsive. They all look out for kids. Which is brilliant. I really dreaded secondary school because of the bullies from primary, and it’s been the opposite for him. My 8 year old is begging me to not let the summer end because it means being bullied everyday, and all he wants is to go to his brothers secondary school.

I think the issue then was it was expected and you didn’t tell your parents because there was a chance that you would be assumed to be in the wrong by them as well.

Also changing schools was only really a thing if you moved to another town or whatever.

My parents (boomers) remember kids being caned in front of the whole class and the kids cheering.

Now parents are aware of what goes on and they try to help with everything including friendship dramas.

There was no support or awareness about any ND. I wouldn’t wish my education on anyone but it really did build a level of resilience and a sense that you had to just deal with it until you could leave and that you didn’t expect to enjoy school

So I would absolutely challenge the idea that kids have it worse now. Of course there are shit schools, but the kind of treatment I describe was standard stuff (and I’m sure much worse in deprived areas than in my school in a quiet town)

School is something to get through on the journey to becoming a fully-formed adult. Kids need to get their heads down, work hard and not become distracted by things that are trivial in the grand scheme of things.

Did you follow the complaints policy of the school that your youngest attends?

All adults that work in school have to follow KCSIE which includes behaviour between staff and pupils. If you have witnessed your child being bullied by a member of staff it should be reported formally.

If there are other primary schools I would consider moving him.

I’ve seen lots of polarisation in some responses with no nuance whatsoever.

Yes, that's the trouble with threads like these, they end up a polarised bunfight. I think the split in responses indicates that the truth is somewhere in the middle and there's a balance to be had.

I think my kids' secondary gets a really good balance. It's just a normal big state comp with a mixed catchment, so not perfect of course. But there's no silly rules about getting detention for the tiniest thing. Kids can have their hair coloured, wear nail polish, wear small earrings (except for PE).

But they do crack down on some things. There are sanctions for not having your pen or lanyard. This isn't really about the kids who forget once, it's about the kids who can't be arsed to bring their lanyard or a pen, ever.

Toilets are really tricky as well. Sometimes my DD has to queue all break if she wants to go. But they can't just let kids go when they like or there'd be a significant minority of kids skiving every lesson or vandalising the loos. My DD understands that although it's a pain, it's a tricky one for the school.

I don't know what I think about the ultra strict schools like Michaela. I guess as others have said, they're brilliant for some kids but would be damaging for others.

I did. However the first stage is to contact the head: who told me in no uncertain terms that it was “impossible” to see/hear it myself and that “all staff are fully trained” which I don’t care about. I heard it.
Sadly, the next step - to go to the school governors is also a none starter as ALL the governors mail/email is monitored by the head. My friend was chair of the board of governors at the time and it made things really akward when I said “Was my letter received” and she asked “what letter?” I tried and tried and tried to get the complaint upheld but every single time I was told no, or met with a brick wall.
It was only when I started pulling my son out of school every single time he threw up that they paid attention and gave him “free access” to visit the headmistress to tell her and the SENDCO that he is being bullied. (Which he won’t do, because he is 8 and fucking terrified)
The other local primary schools are either over max capacity (I live in a new build area) or have not finished being built yet, so no options to move his school either.

It is. And DS2 is extremely unhappy. As was DS1. Luckily, being number 2 means he has seen his brother go through it and get to secondary school (which is incredible) and that can give him the boost to hang on. It’s terribly difficult when he’s only 8 to explain that some people just have a bullying personality and they are sad people, not him. Especially when he’s getting the brunt of it.