AIBU to see my MIL's reaction as manipulative and cruel?

Different situation but we called my MIL out for her toxic behaviours and genuine nastiness - we even wrote it in an email from us all (including our child whom she was absolutely awful to). Things blew up, FIL (wet lettuce but enabler to MIL) said he was ‘fuming’ (we’d even run it by an aunt who said the email was very polite but did point out truths, she said they won’t like to hear that … she was right!). Anyway we pulled back from them, rarely see them and DH does speak to them on the phone but I rarely visit, likewise our child she was awful to … they’ve been up and down, but I refuse to stay if they’re being awful, I always take my car if we visit. It’s ‘ok’ now …. About 4 years later. Still rarely visit but DH is cordial and makes efforts because they’re his parents which is fine with me, we don’t allow any nastiness, that leads us to leaving and going home - good luck!

Tell your husband that this is completely batshit. That she behaved awfully to you, and now you understand it's because of all the critical and judgemental things he has discussed with her about your relationship without telling you, so you were blindsided by her trying to discuss your genitals and post partum sex life.
That any fall out now is between them, and you note that she is now upping the ante, and has shown how she truly feels. You are not willing to be anyones punchbag or scapegoat, and that you suggest that he deals with his parents and that it's given you a lot to think about, and you are still deciding where to go from here and if it's fixable.

Save yourself a world of trouble and just drop the rope. Stop caring about 'sorting things out', explaining your side, giving them a chance to state their side, seeking answers or accountability for what theyve done and said, keeping score etc. For the moment at least you seem to be on completely opposite sides of a very wide chasm of understanding motives, exactly what happened etc, this may be genuine or it may be manipulative / gaslighting. Stop caring. Stop pushing for answers. Drop the rope and get on with your life. if you keep pushing and wanting apologies it will all just escalate. People cant fight with someone who just doesnt engage and who walks away. This is hinestly what I would do. certainly your husband can have whatever relationship he wants or values with them; certainly you do need to be civil when you meet. Beyond that, you dont need to do anything or act a certain way. Back off and let them find some other object to pick on.

Surely MIL's reaction is just cementing everything you've said to your husband? I feel sorry for your husband, it must be hard knowing his parents are a pair of muppets. He has to stop talking about any personal issues too.

I wouldn't bother with the ins and outs of it anymore, just keep well away. If she doesn't want to see her grandchild anymore, enjoy the peace. Tbh, if I were in your shoes, I'd not want her influence to rub off on any kid of mine growing up.

@GreenAcreFarm22 But your DH obviously had a conversation with her about your sex life. The very fact your MIL referenced it and said about you being "all shredded down there" means he did. If he's feeding his mum that sort of information then who knows what else he's telling her. I'm not defending your MIL per se, but she might feel like piggy in the middle and genuinely (although very badly) be trying to be some sort of confidante. Personally I'd look closer to home for the root of this horrible mess.

I remember your last post and hugely empathise. My DH’s parents were like this. Said horrific things then absolutely denied it (they did most of it over text so we have the clear evidence there). When sent screenshots of the things they said, they immediately deflect and talk about how upset they are, how they did everything out of love/concern and how they’re the victims in the situation. Unfortunately, it’s an emotionally immature reaction and they’re set in their ways. My DH is no contact with them now despite 5+ years of trying to talk to them about it.

I would really encourage both of you to go to therapy (individually). You’re going to be hurt and your DH will be grieving the parents he thought he had. We’re going through this now and it is very difficult for him to rationalise why they choose complete denial over a relationship with him. I wish we had started earlier.

Sending you the very best wishes, it’s a horrific time but you will get through it.

Stop having contact with her. She’ll never improve or become genuinely nice.

My DH’s mother is very similar to your MIL. Toxic, poisonous and always the victim. We’ve had contact only once with her in the past 26 years. She hadn’t changed. Best decision we ever made to stop having contact with her.

She’s never met our 16yo. No plans to change that.

I hope that your birth injuries are healing well. I had some really bad tearing but thankfully everything healed up well after very careful and extensive stitching by an OB/GYN and giving my body time to heal.

My MIL is similar, denied everything offensive she’s ever done and said and gaslighted the hell out of me. It’s narcissistic. You can’t fix it or change it.

I stopped contact and life is so peaceful
now. It’s the only thing you can do, no or minimal contact.

Step back from your IL's to protect your own mental health. Your MIL is who she is, will not change so don't engage or feed her drama. DH can visit them. I would not have them in my home, ever.

I don't remember your post. But what they've done to you now is very very similar to how PILs behaved. The best think I ever did was say "ok that's fine, but I'm done." I don't have anything to do with them at all. There are a couple of people that feel sorry for them. Alot of people ask when we'll make up. And I just say, I'm not being treated like that anymore it's simple. I've not fallen out with them, I'm not harbouring anything , I'm just not letting myself be treated like that. So if you can't sit there and say that you recognise what you did, you shouldn't have done it, you won't do it again, I'm not even going to consider being around you. That would be stupid wouldn't it. To just keep putting yourself in the path of abuse.

It's a really shitty time when your DH realised his family are like that and he doesn't have the relationship he thought he did. It really hit my DH and he really tried still to hold on but without bending the knee and kissing their feet they didn't want to know.

Just take yourself out of it, they don't come in your home, you don't go to theirs, if DH wants to visit them he can. But it doesn't involve you or your kids.

Drop the rope with these people. Let DH see them when he wants to but don’t have them in your home.
Vile people.

I read your post and immediate thought narcissism too, particularly a type called covert of vulnerable, which basically involves being a bitch and then insisting you are in fact the victim.

There are some really good videos about this on you tube if you're interested - Dr Ramani and one called border liners. I'm pretty sure my own parents both have narcissistic traits (one I think had full blown npd).

One thing I would say is not to expect this to be a quick process with your DH. Growing up with narc parents, you almost develop a blindness to it, and you come up with all sorts of survival strategies to manage their behaviour. You described one in your post - he immediately tried to take the blame by saying he must have explained things badly. Narcs can never take responsibility for their actions and always need someone else to do it for them. Is he generally an anxious person, especially with regards to his mother?

I think you need to stop trying to be the bigger person here and tell DH that you want nothing more to do with her. He can take dc to see her but she should not be allowed in your home and you should not have to go to hers.

I predict MIL will soon have chest pains, some sort of medical issue that the GP is very concerned about .
Followed by she doesn’t know what she’s done wrong, she’s a nice person and has lots of friends, everyone says it’s not her fault it’s the DIL…

Grey rock is the way forward, do not engage, don’t waste your time or your breath. Do not feed the drama.

Well that's an excellent example of DARVO. Your MIL is not a normal person, don't try to understand her actions in the context of a normal person. You won't be able to. Maybe she's a full blown narcissist, maybe she's got narcissistic tendencies, who knows. But she's the one with the problem.

Quiety step back, and reduce your interactions with her. Support your husband in however he chooses to have a relationship with her because he will need it. So long as you and him priorise each other and your kids, and acknowledge that she's not normal, you'll be fine

Unfortunately for your husband I think she's turned this into a Mum versus Wife battle. And he obviously loves you both.

With a difficult mum (or a difficult wife I suppose in other families) there does come a time when the DH has to stand up to his mum if she's affecting his relationship. The post partum period is obviously a time when DW has to come first so good for your husband for doing that.

I think you have to tell him you appreciate him doing this for you. And letting him know you completely understand he wants a good relationship with his mum. And also explaining that to help with that for him (and for you, because you're vulnerable in the post partum phase) that you're going to step back. That you totally understand he'll keep seeing his mum and that he might want to take the DC to see her. But that you and her need a period of no contact to try to calm down the situation. Not a hostile blocking. But a kind of fire break period of time.

If she calls, you're polite to her and you call him to the phone. If he goes to see her, you send him and the kids off with a kiss and 'Have a lovely time.' So no animosity. But leave him and her to their relationship.

As well as blocking the ILs and having nothing more to do with them, I'd be having a serious conversation with DH and ask him to not share any negative or personal details with his mum. If you have an argument, he shouldn't be running to mummy to tell her all about it. Ask him to be a grown up and discuss any issues concerning you, his wife, with you, not her. If she's keeping a tally of all your alleged 'wrongdoings' then she's never going to give him constructive and impartial advice.

I remember your other thread. Your husband’s shitty behaviour aside, yes I agree his mother’s behaviour is manipulative and cruel. However, the best thing you can do here is refuse to engage with her. Don’t send photos, don’t message, don’t take an interest in her whatsoever. Your husband can deal with her entirely. He can take your child over to visit without you if he chooses to, but of course that means she won’t be included in special occasions- your child will be spending those with you and I would hope, your husband.

I learnt a good while ago, people like this can only treat you like crap if you let them.

No point crying over spilt milk but this was why most people said leave it on the previous thread.
She'll forever be the victim and will try and use your own kids against you.

I almost died during pre-mature birth and emergency C Section. I had multiple medical interventions shortly after baby was born. Came back from long hospital stay 11kg less than I was pre-pregnancy. 5 weeks pospartum - my MIL said my husband feels lonely because I sleep with baby in different room and did a "lesson " why sexual life is important.
I was NC with her for more than 5 years. Minimum contact now.
As a mum of 2 sons- I can't imagine doing these kind of things for DIL.

They all sound weird including your dh. He obviously has a weirdly close relationship with her. Lines have been crossed. For her to discuss your sex life! Is super odd. And it sound like he speaks negativity about you to her alot. Really you have a Dh problem. He needs better boundaries. Then she wouldn't have tried to emotionally manipulate him when he stands up to her. I bet she uses this method when she senses she is losing control over him. Or he is trying to put up boundaries in place.

Yes, this is DARVO. I'd quietly stop contacting them and don't give MIL the drama she wants.

Classic DARVO by MIL.

DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It is a manipulative psychological tactic used by wrongdoers or abusers when held accountable for their behavior. Instead of accepting responsibility, the perpetrator denies the action, attacks the credibility of the person confronting them, and turns themselves into the victim

You are making the mistake of thinking your MIL is a reasonable person who wants to get along & meet you half way. She's not. No words you use will 'fix' this.

The detail of all the times that you've'wronged' alone is just nasty, negative, stupid stuff.

I'd keep her at arms length Don't contact don't engage. Let your husband bring the baby to see her. Take the heat out of rhe situation. MIL wants drama, upset, crying. Sad really.

Least said I think is the way forward now. Your husband, I daresay will in time repair things with his Mother, because she will be wanting this and will meet him more than half way. He would do well not to forget the accusations flung at you, including her diary of your ‘wrongs’. That in itself was very strange.

Going forward I would be giving her and the step -FIL a wide berth (why he needs to poke his oar in, heaven knows!!).