AIBU to refuse doing stepchildren’s handover because husband is working late?

It would be nice if there was a compromise between the 3 parents, build a relationship, I understand that it is rare for step parents and the ex parent to help each other out, the older girls could bring their little 4 year old brother to their mothers home when he gets a bit older, instead of closing ranks with no compromise, building.a relationship would be nice.

Your DC will wonder who his sisters mother is? The new baby will wonder too, who the sisters dad is, as they get older. The very few people who manage to keep it clean have a good set up.

You might have missed it. The baby's father (exes partner) doesnt live with the ex. He lives some distance away to be near his kids from a previous relationship.

So the ex had a baby with someone she doesn't even live with knowing.He's quite a distance away and caring for his previous children.

Why she had a baby under those circumstances is beyond me.

Errr... this isn't about bonding time - and there's been no intimation that the older kids paused the 50/50 after OP's DC was born.

This is about convenience - the person with the newborn would prefer to have her older kids dropped off than to put the baby in the car to go and get them.

I sympathise with the sentiment - if anyone offered to drop my older one home from nursery when my younger was a baby, I leapt on it gratefully - but let's not pretend that the exW can't bond with her baby because once a fortnight they get into a car for a bit together to collect the older kids.

Why can’t their actual mother suck it up buttercup? She also had another kid with someone who had kids, she also needs to get on with it.

You seem very sure as a family they’ll be able to afford driving lessons, a car and insurance for a 17 year old!

I would bet money that things changed short term when OP had a newborn 4 years ago.
They had time to bond.
Was ex helpful then?
Another comment OP made, they won’t want to visit as they get older. I find that strange when they apparently live there 50/50.
I doubt I’ll get a man answer from OP?

There is no need for anyone to be getting in a car to drive these children around. They can get themselves to where they need to be, albeit maybe not by the fastest route. Neither of the younger kids (baby or 4yo) should be being disturbed or put out of routine to collect a 13yo and 16yo when there are other options available.

If the kids have so much stuff when transferring between home that they need a car to transport it, then that's what needs to be looked at as surely the 50/50 set-up isn't working very well in that instance. They should be able to slot easily in and out of both homes rather than feeling like they're moving house every week!

You literally have no idea what else does for her SDC or what kind of relationship she has with them.

And your last statement is ridiculous. The ex needs to put the baby in a car seat once a fortnight, not take it to war in a fighter yet.

Poor kids.

I would suggest you have two options

1. An Uber twice a month for a 20 minute journey is not going to break the bank
2. changeover point moved to Sunday evening- around 7 pm.

Any parent with an older child and a baby sometimes has to put the baby in the car at a non-ideal time to collect the older child from something. This is once a fortnight not every day!

I must have missed the memo that your existing responsibilities towards your older children disappear once you have a baby, as I had to continue to do the day to day routine for my older child when I had my newborn, including having to put the baby in the car and drive round to collect/drop them off places.

But OP hasn’t broken up with her partner and had a baby with someone different?

I would argue that the mum of the baby has made those choices (as has her ex) and therefore they shouldn’t rely on OP to sort it out.

I’d also ask why she can’t leave the baby with her partner for an hour or two, or why her partner can’t be asked. She is the one changing the routine

@echt she had said in her opening OP she can’t be bothered , She knew her husband had two children when she got with him and I stick by what I’ve said she sounds selfish. I bet she didn’t have to get in a car when her baby was little.

Batshit response. There is literally nothing suggesting the op isn’t very nice.. Jeezo

This. Why are these teens being babied and driven around when most teens get the bus? Suggest the bus to her or she pays for an Uber if she wants the convenience of not going out with her baby to collect them.

Oh, dear. 🤦‍♀️

Where do you pull this fantasy from?
Here goes: "You sound not very nice". How? what did the OP say?
"I'm guessing" ..Yes you are, stop making shit up.

How about the ex's new partner who is also the FATHER of the newborn, get his arse moving and help out the mother of HIS baby and either do the pick up for her, or go to her place to look after HIS baby so his partner can do the pick-up.

Ex chose to have a baby with a new partner she doesn't live with, it's up to her to sort it out.

When I had 4 year olds, they were eating dinner at 5:30pm and tired from the school day so at high risk of dozing in the car and not wanting to sleep later. Doesn’t the 4 year old matter?

The kids are quite old so there are lots of compromises that can be made here like a change of day or pick up time.

It’s up to mum and dad to come up with a new system.

The obvious one is changing pick up /drop off day or time so both are available for driving as neither will pay for a taxi which is the other obvious solution. Mum isn’t unreasonable to ask for a change because of the baby but it shouldn’t be for OP to sort because she has her own child to sort in the evenings too.

Seriously??

I think some of these replies have been really unkind, and OP you sound not very nice , these children have been in your life since they were young I’m guessing as you have a 4 year old, and you have show no care towards them at all , its 2 nights out of a month , you and your husband are a team and his children are part of that ,, I hope your husband takes a good hard look at want kind of women you are

The reality is that babies are going to have to make 20 minute car journeys. This is family life. My 2nd did a 20 minute car journey twice a day 5 days a week for the school run!

Mum is presumably on mat leave and not working. She can make that drive at any time. She needs to time it with baby’s sleep and feeding schedule. Come at 3:30 right when they finish school so it’s not late. Or come collect them first thing Friday morning, all their stuff can go in the car and she drops them to school.

I know I am driving my teen around to friends and sports training and her job up to 9:30pm several nights a week. That baby is going to need to slot into family life with 2 teenagers, not the other way around.