Page 4 | To tell DS it's up to him now.

hotsocks27 · 2026-08-16T14:51:57+00:00

Ds just finished school, A-level results disappointing to say the least. He managed to get himself a really good apprenticeship place which he's now lost because he missed a required grade by 2 marks. (Paper has been sent for review, but not holding out much hope that the grade will change). The plan now is for him to find himself another apprenticeship place, though it will have to be at a lower level. But after DS was rude to me yesterday, I've decided that now is the time for me to step back and stop doing so much for him. I found him the original apprenticeship, because he was told to look but didn't bother. I helped him with the psychometric testing, the video interviews. Put loads of effort into trying to get him to revise when school told us he was probably going to fail. The moment he was left to his own devices he watched videos on you tube and insisted that was enough revision. You get the idea. He's failed his driving test 3 times, only goes out to practise if I tell him we are going. All of this makes DH very stressed. His way of dealing with this is to tell me a list of things DS needs to be doing. I've realised that I've been babying DS in order to calm DH's anxiety and I just can't do it any more. It hasn't worked, I've put my own life on hold for months, and I'm exhausted. Ds has spent the day in his room allegedly applying for an apprenticeship. I have said, if you want help, you know where I am and left it at that. DH is in a foul mood, foul tempered, stress farting, saying every 10 minutes 'what is DS doing? We need to look at what he's doing. He can't just be left to do it. Why is it taking so long? What has he been doing all day? He's got to write his answers in a word doc and run them through chat gpt.'Etc etc. he hasn't actually gone to Ds and said let me help, he's just dumped his stress on me but I have not budged. I know DH wants me to take over and just write the application. It is obviously driving him up that wall that I have said it is up to DS now. Aibu?

Morepositivemum · 17/08/2026 09:07

I don’t think this is just a dh problem- you pushed pushed pushed, judged and now after he’s missed out on something you said well you can come to us. And your dh is angry. It just all sounds awful- let me guess you were both studiers as teens and don’t get why he’s not. Oh and plenty of people fail their driving test. Honestly poor kid

LillyPeaceFlowerSun · 17/08/2026 09:03

hotsocks27 · 16/08/2026 16:13

Well it turns out that DS submitted the application without asking either of us to check it first, and DH has gone ballistic and is nearly in tears. Fun times.

Your DH is behaving like a child. He needs to grow up and manage his big boy feelings better.

LillyPeaceFlowerSun · 17/08/2026 09:02

Softcream · 16/08/2026 15:55

If DH thinks DS needs help, why doesn't he help him?

My thoughts exactly!! DH seems ‘great’ at shouting from the sidelines.

OP. Book a weekend away.

Original poster

hotsocks27 · 17/08/2026 08:47

Ohthatsabitshit · 17/08/2026 08:38

You are both being outrageously unreasonable and your own childhood experiences or child’s possible disability is no excuse at all. A young man missed his grades by TWO marks and you are behaving as though he has something to be deeply ashamed of! What on earth is wrong with you? What sort of family treats their children like this? FFS it’s not all about you and your marriage and your husbands flatulence. The only one who has behaved well is the young man who took the disappointment on the chin, and did what his parents advised, applied for remarking, talked to potential employer and then retired to his room to submit a fall back application. He didn’t want you to proof read anything which frankly is his prerogative.

It is not your ds’s fault that his sibling is disabled and can’t work, nor is it his fault that his father feels ashamed of his results. He isn’t there to make you both feel better about the future, he has his own oath to follow.

Look you’re both disappointed and very focused on blaming something or someone for the situation you are in now. I think you are possibly missing the bigger picture. Ds got his exams albeit not at the higher grades needed for the apprentice scheme where his peers would be graduates. Yes, he’s failed his driving test three times, but he’s 18, what is the average age to pass? You wanted him to be proactive and get on with things independently. He applied independently and now you are cross he didn’t get you to check before he pressed send. He’s grown up. He is allowed to apply for jobs without your input.

Sibling got an apprenticeship after school and is in full time work.

We are allowed to be disappointed in the results. This is normal, as is having concerns about what happens now, and how we can best support DS with a plan B.

OP posts:

Ohthatsabitshit · 17/08/2026 08:38

You are both being outrageously unreasonable and your own childhood experiences or child’s possible disability is no excuse at all. A young man missed his grades by TWO marks and you are behaving as though he has something to be deeply ashamed of! What on earth is wrong with you? What sort of family treats their children like this? FFS it’s not all about you and your marriage and your husbands flatulence. The only one who has behaved well is the young man who took the disappointment on the chin, and did what his parents advised, applied for remarking, talked to potential employer and then retired to his room to submit a fall back application. He didn’t want you to proof read anything which frankly is his prerogative.

It is not your ds’s fault that his sibling is disabled and can’t work, nor is it his fault that his father feels ashamed of his results. He isn’t there to make you both feel better about the future, he has his own oath to follow.

Look you’re both disappointed and very focused on blaming something or someone for the situation you are in now. I think you are possibly missing the bigger picture. Ds got his exams albeit not at the higher grades needed for the apprentice scheme where his peers would be graduates. Yes, he’s failed his driving test three times, but he’s 18, what is the average age to pass? You wanted him to be proactive and get on with things independently. He applied independently and now you are cross he didn’t get you to check before he pressed send. He’s grown up. He is allowed to apply for jobs without your input.

WishIWasAPanda · 17/08/2026 08:36

Gentle and respectfully, as I can see you are at your wits end, you need to let DS try and fail. That’s part of life, learning and growing up.
Is it two dc you have? You mentioned that your dc1 may not ever be fully independent, this whole thread reads like maybe you and DH have pinned all your hopes of having a ‘successful’ dc on dc2. I can see how that might happen.

but that also must be an incredible amount of pressure on dc2, I hazard a guess he feels like he can never win / be good enough and therefore self sabotages.

I think you need a chat with dh about giving him space to figure it out
A chat with ds about how he feels, that you will both lay ott, and it’s in his hands now.

and maybe a drs appointment about the stress farts :/

also, not all on you. DH needs to manage his emotions, DS needs the space to manage himself. You need to prioritise yourself for a bit.

stop doing all this for them all. What’s the worst that can happen

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 17/08/2026 08:14

To be fair, no one on this thread can know if your son has adhd as no one has observed him well enough. He might have but he might not.

what was the apprenticeship that your son was going to do and what was his grades? Is it a case of him actually applying for things that are a bit ambitious and should lower the expectations a bit?

Original poster

hotsocks27 · 17/08/2026 07:39

WaryHiker · 17/08/2026 07:15

This was me more than forty years ago. Undiagnosed ADHD and high-functioning autism. Manchild father who behaved just like your manchild husband. Refused to speak to me after worse grades than expected and sent a message to me via my mother to get out of the house and never come back. I had turned 18 the week before. I never fully recovered from that, and had someone I barely knew not stepped in and offered me help and a place to stay, god knows what would have happened to me.

I have recently had EMDR for that event as well as many other things that happened during my childhood. As a result, I can finally see this as abuse instead of as a source of shame to myself for being a terrible person who constantly made my father unhappy. Please don't allow your husband to continue to act abusively to your son, and please don't be the same enabler my mother was, constantly making excuses for his behaviour and trying to make us all behave in ways that wouldn't upset him.

My heart breaks for your poor son because I know exactly how he is feeling right now. Has anyone sat him down and said, "Your grades are no reflection on the wonderful person you are, and I love you so much just because you are you?" Or told him that grades and exams are not everything in life, and no one is upset with him. They just want to help him find the path that will best work for him?

It seems very strange that with another diagnosed sibling and a suspected neurodiverse father no one has ever pushed for to get him the help he obviously needs and get himself an ADHD diagnosis and treatment. That one is really on you guys and the school. Your son has been seriously let down there and could probably stand to hear that.

I have every sympathy for you having to carry everyone's mental and emotional load, but it is a choice you are making and one you can choose to stop making. Just tell your son you love him and this is one snapshot out of his entire life, not some huge drama that will wreck his future forever. And tell your husband that you are through enabling his tantrums and expect him from now on to step up and behave as an adult and a parent and stop using you as his emotional punching bag.

Of course I have told DS this. Nor have I enabled DH in this behaviour. DH has apologised to DS and I have made it clear to DH that he now has a lot of work to do to rebuild any trust between himself and DS, that the apology alone is not enough. And that if it happens again the marriage is over.

I grew up with an abusive father myself, and my mother just did nothing. I am not my mother.

I don't know how I was supposed to spot traits of ND in DS. I'm not a professional. He is very different to my eldest, so I didn't have that as a guide. School made noises about it but couldn't tell me why they thought there was a problem or what they thought the problem was. Secondary school staff never picked up on anything. I'm not a mind reader.

I appreciate what you're saying, but my DH is not your father, no-one is threatening to throw ds out of the house or ever would. You're projecting. Understand, I've done it myself plenty of times. But losing your temper with your kid once during a difficult time isn't good, but it's not abuse.

OP posts:

Original poster

hotsocks27 · 17/08/2026 07:31

Elsvieta · 16/08/2026 22:29

DH: we need to do X.
You: if that's what you think, you should do it.

DH: ds needs to do X.
You: if that's what you think, you should tell him that.

DH: has ds done X?
You: I don't know, you should ask him.

With an occasional reminder, if necessary, that he's not your damn line manager. If he's so sure he knows how to handle this, let him. Don't teach your son that it's always the job of the nearest woman to placate a tantrumming man and make sure his wishes are carried out. Just make it clear that doing nothing isn't an option - he needs to be working or studying - and you won't be handing him money, and let him work it out.

I have been doing this with DH for years. I have told him I am not a messenger or a go between, and I do not work for him.

OP posts:

WaryHiker · 17/08/2026 07:15

This was me more than forty years ago. Undiagnosed ADHD and high-functioning autism. Manchild father who behaved just like your manchild husband. Refused to speak to me after worse grades than expected and sent a message to me via my mother to get out of the house and never come back. I had turned 18 the week before. I never fully recovered from that, and had someone I barely knew not stepped in and offered me help and a place to stay, god knows what would have happened to me.

I have recently had EMDR for that event as well as many other things that happened during my childhood. As a result, I can finally see this as abuse instead of as a source of shame to myself for being a terrible person who constantly made my father unhappy. Please don't allow your husband to continue to act abusively to your son, and please don't be the same enabler my mother was, constantly making excuses for his behaviour and trying to make us all behave in ways that wouldn't upset him.

My heart breaks for your poor son because I know exactly how he is feeling right now. Has anyone sat him down and said, "Your grades are no reflection on the wonderful person you are, and I love you so much just because you are you?" Or told him that grades and exams are not everything in life, and no one is upset with him. They just want to help him find the path that will best work for him?

It seems very strange that with another diagnosed sibling and a suspected neurodiverse father no one has ever pushed for to get him the help he obviously needs and get himself an ADHD diagnosis and treatment. That one is really on you guys and the school. Your son has been seriously let down there and could probably stand to hear that.

I have every sympathy for you having to carry everyone's mental and emotional load, but it is a choice you are making and one you can choose to stop making. Just tell your son you love him and this is one snapshot out of his entire life, not some huge drama that will wreck his future forever. And tell your husband that you are through enabling his tantrums and expect him from now on to step up and behave as an adult and a parent and stop using you as his emotional punching bag.

SALaw · 17/08/2026 06:40

hotsocks27 · 16/08/2026 20:31

Fyi, DH and I share a home office and he stress farts through difficult meetings too 🤪

I am frequently messaging him to light a bloody candle

You put up with this?!

Seoultrip · 17/08/2026 02:15

Whosthetabbynow · 16/08/2026 16:40

My sons never caused us a day of trouble until it came to getting their fingers out around their futures. Ds1 got a plumbing apprenticeship then I found out he hadn’t been attending the one college day per week. Absolutely furious. That all got sorted. He then went on to do The Knowledge and qualified as a black cabbie.
Ds2 thought he could “chill out” for a year after his BTecs. Er, no. Got a place at uni through clearing. Hated every minute of it. Was going to give it up. Couldn’t be bothered to do the coursework. DH tore him a new arse. He came out with a 2:1 and is now a product manger at a global company in the City. What I’m trying to say is yes, your Dh needs to step up, it’s all fixable and with supportive parents anything is possible. Sending love x

Edited

Agree support and encouragement is needed; also for the parents to believe in him; but the OP seems to be far too invested and her husband constant stress doesn’t help. They do need to step out a bit and her husband to calm down as is transferring all the insecurities and anxieties to their son.

bendmeoverbackwards · 17/08/2026 01:04

Mcdhotchoc · 16/08/2026 19:33

And I dont say that flippantly it's lived experience. Let's just say I had a whole different view with my 3rd child than my first

Could you elaborate on this @Mcdhotchoc ?

bendmeoverbackwards · 17/08/2026 00:46

HoppityBun · 16/08/2026 16:44

I was going to say this, too.

I would, however, go cautiously about the finance bit. Whilst I entirely accept it’s reasonable that adult children should learn to pay their way, my parents suddenly telling me that they thought I should pay them to live in what I had until then thought of as my home, with very little assistance in becoming independent, really upset me. It just came out of the blue and it seemed so transactional. It prompted me to leave home because I sort of balanced home with how I could enjoy enjoy living away from home, which they then took as a sort of betrayal and “you’re on your own in that case“. Which pretty describes their approach from then on, permanently.

On the other hand, a very good friend of mine has told one of her children that they are going to have to get to grips with being an adult and playing their part in the household and paying their way and not expecting her to do that. But, and it’s a big but, she’s been saying this gently all year whilst her child has been sorting out future options.

Show quote history

There’s a difference between stopping any allowance and charging your young adult child rent.

Crumpetring · 16/08/2026 23:31

Could he go to college and resit? Get a job alongside. He won’t be the first teenage boy to not pull his finger out and miss the grades he needed.

I know a few who did resits and the initial failure was the kick up the arse they needed.

Chefpig · 16/08/2026 23:14

hotsocks27 · 16/08/2026 20:31

Fyi, DH and I share a home office and he stress farts through difficult meetings too 🤪

I am frequently messaging him to light a bloody candle

Ohh, OP, you're the gift that keeps on giving. I love this! 🤣

Chefpig · 16/08/2026 23:11

Has the stinky bastard stopped his stress farting yet? If not, have you left the bastard?

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 16/08/2026 23:01

FreebieWallopFridge · 16/08/2026 16:45

I can hand on heart say I do not know anyone in their 30s or 40s who asks their parents to check their job applications.
My parents have never checked a single job application for me.

Show quote history

I'm.45, and I've often asked my highly intelligent, successful professor biological sciences father to proof read my job applications, and get guidance. (I mean, I feel he is more than qualified as a published author who'd worked with people like David Attenborough. 😀😎)

And yes, I'm an editor and proofread all my news and features, and ask colleagues for their input occasionally too.

Nothing wrong with checking things and making it better.

ChaliceinWonderland · 16/08/2026 22:43

Your dh is the issue here. Shouting? No wonder your son hides in his room. My 17 Yr old sounds similar, but, j nanage it with love,humour...
He needs to get away from you, or you from him ! Thanking God again iam single!

ChakaKan · 16/08/2026 22:39

OxfordCircus · 16/08/2026 22:12

🤣🤣

i stopped reading at that point. Never heard of stress farting before. 😩🤣

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Me neither! I’m familiar with a nervous shit but not stress induced flatulence. I honestly wondered if OP meant stress faffing or something and made a typo but it seems to be that farting is his outlet for stress

Elsvieta · 16/08/2026 22:29

DH: we need to do X.
You: if that's what you think, you should do it.

DH: ds needs to do X.
You: if that's what you think, you should tell him that.

DH: has ds done X?
You: I don't know, you should ask him.

With an occasional reminder, if necessary, that he's not your damn line manager. If he's so sure he knows how to handle this, let him. Don't teach your son that it's always the job of the nearest woman to placate a tantrumming man and make sure his wishes are carried out. Just make it clear that doing nothing isn't an option - he needs to be working or studying - and you won't be handing him money, and let him work it out.

LilytheThink · 16/08/2026 22:25

When the DC were (relatively) young my DH decided they should do regular chores as part of getting pocket money. I disagreed and told him that.
He told me several times that he thought they should do chores, which roughly translated as “you sort it out.”
I told him that if he wanted the kids to do chores, he could organise a rota for it and implement it and I would act as back up support. No surprise to say it never happened.

OxfordCircus · 16/08/2026 22:12

ChakaKan · 16/08/2026 15:58

Sorry not the point of the thread but stress farting? Was that a typo or is DH farting constantly from stress?

anyway YANBU and I firmly believe we don’t help kids by doing everything for them. DS needs to begin to take responsibility for his own life as he is entering into adulthood. Obviously you can support him but as you’ve found out, doing the heavy lifting for him isn’t going to work.

🤣🤣

i stopped reading at that point. Never heard of stress farting before. 😩🤣

Original poster

hotsocks27 · 16/08/2026 22:12

Genevieva · 16/08/2026 21:53

One thing at a time. It’s an emotional time and you all need to cut each other some slack.

His school has asked for the script and may request a remark. He may yet get the grade above.
He should contact his apprenticeship provider and update them in the possible remark and ask if they’d still have him.

This was all done by 10am on results day. As I've said upthread, I'm not an idiot.

We are waiting for the outcome of a priority review and the employer will not take him unless the grade goes up. Ofqual data shows that the possibility of an increase of 2 marks or more is 15%. I'm involved in mark reviews myself for one of the exam boards. I know how it works.

OP posts:

NattyRedFinch · 16/08/2026 21:56

Stress farting? Every day is a learning day.