DH doesn't want me to take a promotion abroad, am I being unreasonable to still want it?

Many relationships are like ships that pass in the week, with quality time at the weekend. It's only Amsterdam. You have money. I can't really see the problem with one of you doing the traveling on alternative weekends. There'll also be annual leave. Any scope for either of you to do occasional working from home? A year sounds a long time but realistically it'll fly past, and compared to your previous long distance, this is practically the next county. This is so doable.

OP, would it be worth sitting down and working out a visits plan, so you need xx for living costs, xx for savings/other costs and then you will have a travel budget of xx

So travel budget of xx
Annual leave days xx
Flight times/opportunities for you to come back or him to go there
How much would the flights cost
Plot out a rough potential visit plan for the year, so every other weekend one of you flies out etc.
Give him a nice big visual, at the moment he's all unknowns, its much easier for people to get used to an idea with a physical thing to look at so they can see how many days you'd actually be able to see each other, which feels like quite a lot?

If you are in London currently the flights must be dirt cheap, and its so quick! Has he done the London > Amsterdam route before?

I'd go in a heartbeat. And I bet your DH would too if it was his promotion.

I would do it but on the commitment that I understand I'll be doing the majority of traveling back and forth, making a very conscious effort to stay in regular contact, make plans together for the weekends in advance that kind of thing. Lots of couples stay apart during the week, and if it's only a year you could save a huge chunk of money for your future child/children already, you can take maternity comfortable with finances, and would set up the future for you nicely. Maybe suggest couples counselling for DH to help relieve his anxieties, and ensure that you are keeping open communication. It doesn't need to mean there's an issue in your relationship either, it can be beneficial regardless.

It’s Amsterdam - a lot nearer than NY. You can see each other every single weekend. Once a month spend the weekend in a different European city. A couple of negotiation points for work might be you present in Amsterdam Tues to Thursday. Allowing you to remain in London most of the week. Or being based in Amsterdam for six months, then based in London but prepared to do brief trips over as needed for the remaining six months.

That's a bit of a leap. Presumably he just means he would be living alone most of the time which isn't what a lot of people want from a marriage.

P.s. jezus hij is wel een beetje een zeikerd aangezien het maar 35 minuten vliegen is vanaf City Airport

(With apologies to non Dutch readers)

Zoals je vast wel weet is er in Amsterdam ook woningnood net zoals in Londen. En dat loon is relatief - de supermarkt en uit eten gaan is duurder, en betaalt je werkgever voor je zorgverzekering?

Op de lange termijn, als ik een kindje zou willen zou ik terug naar Nederland gaan. Je zwangerschapsverlof is waarschijnlijk langer, beter betaald, en de zorg is beter (geen 'maar het is gratis dus je zal het er mee moeten doen' zoals met de NHS). Je krijgt in Engeland geen 8 dagen kraamzorg! Heeft hij daar al over nagedacht? Bovendien is de kinderalimentatie VEEL beter geregeld, mocht je in de toekomst scheiden...

Als je een rondje wilt gaan fietsen zonder helm en samen klagen over het gebrek aan fietspaden let me know 😁

Do it now. Everything changes once you have a baby. If by some miracle this comes round again in 10 years, you won't even consider leaving your theoretical 8 year old for a year

If your husband was given this opportunity would he seize it ? My bet is he would , there for he is being unreasonable.
yes it will be tricky and you will have to work hard as a couple but Amsterdam is hardly round the world is it ? It’s a short flight.
honestly I feel if you don’t take it there will always be some resentment there from you .
congratulations on your promotion

He said it would be weird to live like a single person again after getting married.

What does he mean by this? Do you do a lot of the domestic tasks?

I’d go - Amsterdam is a short hop and cheap flights and you may be able to negotiate a budget for those. Going now before kids is ideal and the promotion you get on your return would insulate you against any possible negative impact of maternity leave on your career [sadly, it still can] and give you a financial cushion for childcare. Get that return to UK promotion confirmed in writing up front though. One year will fly and the career/financial security it offers in a time when most people are worrying about finding work and sustained career prospects is not to be sniffed at.

Given this is for 1 year only and you are young I’d highly recommend going for it! Amsterdam is easily commutable weekly or 3 times a month. Deal can be you try for the baby next.

Maybe it's not about the distance, but about him moving on her request and her now wanting to bugger off abroad without him.

Take the job. I have read your updates. I can see he wouldn't want to follow you round the world, but a year in Amsterdam is absolutely doable. A train journey away and a beautiful city. Weekends spent in London / Amsterdam with a bit of energy and effort could be just marvellous.

Put the effort in when you see each other, communicate regularly and your marriage will be just fine

We don’t know how that came about. Did he take a £50K pay cut, or was it a move that also consolidated his international experience and benefitted him professionally, making it easier for him to agree to?

Had your DH already moved countries because you didn’t want to have a long distance relationship though?

That’s the biggest issue here.

OP’s happiness seems to come before her DH’s, which would make me question the relationship if I was him.

I do think she should take it but it’s not as black and white as some posters are making out.

Do it.

Amsterdam is great. I live here.

She asked him to move so it suggests the opposite. When it suits her she can ask her partner to relocate but when something comes up she wants to do she can happily work away and manage.

I'm really torn here.

I originally said YABU because I wouldn't want DH to live abroad and away for a year, even if I could see him regularly. Then I thought about the money and the benefit that would have long-term, and changed my mind.

But then I read your update about him moving to London for you and have changed my mind again 😂I think if I'd moved somewhere on DH's request and he then decided to move abroad away from me, I would be less than impressed.

We did long distance before getting married I was in London (I'm Dutch), and he was in NYC and then Paris. I was the one who asked him to move to London, and he did. Now I'm again moveing to another country for a year

I get it that he moved to London for you, but that history does suggest you can manage with one of you working long distance temporarily.

This would be my thought process too.

I think there’s more reason to regret not going then regret going.

Its a couple hours away and 12 months.

I think it would be quite easy to maintain a healthy relationship for 12 months.

Well done OP. You’re getting the answers you want because your “context” isn’t in your first post so most people don’t read it

No human gets to dictate your life full stop, yes i see your point that you were long distance but you cant turn down huge pay rise thats madness, he lives in london you could see each other twice a month or more depending on flight prices, if you are turning down a huge payrise to keep a man happy then hes not the man for you, you can still try for a baby, for now you come 1st and when the baby comes baby comes 1st , he doesnt come 1st you do