AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

Agree!

@SunnyLilacFawn What does her husband do?
A teacher wage, especially a part-time one, is unlikely to cover the bills should one find themselves alone/a single parent.
Ask me how I know.

It’ll all be okay OP, it generally is!
My friends very bright son has just finished an architecture degree, but didn’t enjoy it or want it as a career so is now looking for a carpentry apprenticeship…
One of my oldest friends got pregnant at 23 and had an abortion which at the time seemed a sensible choice. However when they got married a few years later and started trying to conceive nothing happened and they ended up with many rounds of IVF and eventually donor eggs and sperm to have their DC in their late 30’s. Sometime these things happen for the best and although it might not be what you’ve had planned, it’ll all work out okay. You’ll be a young glamorous granny, thats got to be a plus!

A £55K salary after only five years, in Scotland where you can buy a house for £100K, is a really good salary and will certainly cover the bills. You need to look at this in the Scottish context.

I get why you’d feel a bit disappointed that this will impact her career as she won’t earn as much as quickly as if she’d waited another few years. However ‘to feel devastated’ is OTT. If you really are devastated I think you’ve lost sight of the many positives in her life.

@Redintoothandclaw
Yes I appreciate I'm in England but now tutor and earn far less than I would had I stayed in the profession (22 years service). I don't get any pay over any of the long school holidays or sick pay if I am off ill. Rubbish pension now too.
I wouldn't go back to teaching if someone paid me £55 million! Money means nothing if burnout is imminent and you can't put a price on being a present partner and parent.
But yes, I do hope teaching is better in Scotland.

Well she has time to work hard later. For now enjoy knowing you’ll have a grandchild around for many many years. My in laws will be 75 before they even meet a grandchild. You might see yours go to prom, university etc.

And she will likely have energy and plenty of youth to entertain her little family. She has the degree in the bag. So starting now or starting in a few years makes little difference. Many do their degree in their 30s and still thrive.

As I've said, there's a terrible problem with pupil behaviour, including a lot of violence against other pupils and teachers. Schools are not allowed to exclude pupils or to give after school detentions. So in that sense it's worse than in England, where you're actually allowed to discipline and even exclude pupils. I think it is more relaxed in terms of pressure to perform / get children through exams. Scottish schools are far from being academic hothouses.

Glad you’re feeling a bit better OP. It will work out, your DD will return to training when she’s ready (and do great thanks to the headstart and help you gave her) and could be lovely having a lot of extra time with DGC. If she waited a decade or two this is maybe time you wouldn’t have. Try and enjoy it and make sure they know they don’t need to move out so quick if you like having them there. She’s married and about to become a Mum, it could be a big positive. You sound really supportive and a great Mum, so bet you’ll enjoy the promotion to Grandma.

You accept her decisions, appreciate that she is in a secure and happy marriage and look forward to meeting your grandchild plus offer her as much support as you can. Her teacher training can wait. Your daughter has years ahead of her to organise her career.

I’m 36 with 2 kids under 5, and back to square one due to the cost of living and everything else. Let her be. It’s not the end of the world and could actually be amazing for her. She’s got youth on her side to help her. Something I’m struggling with. It’s right for her let her live her life.

I had my child whilst I was at university (so younger) and am now earning well into six figures and am c-suite. It’s tough but it can be more than okay x

@Redintoothandclaw Pupil behaviour is also a huge issue in schools here. Many, many teachers will tell you that having to get in the middle of breaking up fights is now a common occurrence - even in primary. And before anyone says "Well, they're only primary", some Y5 and Y6 children are considerably bigger and stronger than I am. And that's just the physical side of things. The verbal abuse is another issue entirely.

My friend’s sister became pregnant at 21 by her long-term bf in her last year of a music degree in a big city. Returned to her working class parents’ place in a poor rural area and took a year out before doing ITE. Her mum helped a lot with the baby. The relationship didn’t last but she has long been thriving as a secondary school music teacher; owns her own property and has multiple foreign holidays a year with the child (now in their teens) and is an valued member of the community. She’s also had a new bf for several years now. I remember being worried for her at the time as she seemed so young but it’s all turned out well.

I know it's a bad problem in England, but at least you can punish them and can, if it's very serious, expel (permanent exclusion). I did a comparison. Permanent exclusions per year in England = approximately 11,000. Permanent exclusions per year in Scotland = 0. Pupils know that they can be extremely violent and nothing bad will happen to them.

@Postmanpatri I've read all of your posts and some of the others. It's not hard to gauge which comments are from Scots who know whereof they speak and which are from folk elsewhere who come across as implicitly disparaging to say the least of anywhere that isn't the Home Counties.
I think you should be very proud indeed of your daughter and your son in law. They sound an incredibly sorted couple for being so young. Clearly both got a very good head on their shoulders. OK it's not what you dreamt of but life throws us all wobblies sometimes. As others have said the future belongs to those who can do, not just pontificate. Your son in law is qualified in a highly useful trade and is getting experience in a salaried position. In the years ahead he could very easily set up his own business. He's clearly got the brains to run one.
Your daughter has a shed load of skills that she can use to bring in the cash alongside bringing up the wee one. I bet she could get started on her teacher training qualification right away. Would there be any child care at the training institution?
They might not immediately move those steps up the social ladder that you were hoping for. But really does it matter? Their quality of life especially with family around them is worth so much more. Believe me (expat Caledonian....resident for far too long within the M25)
All the very best to you all🙂

Totally agree👏

Please don't put yourself down. You have done something which is invaluable, teaching the next generation the fundamentals of life. Don't ever doubt what you have achieved, please. I see how hard teaching is though when they are often attacked in their workplace with little protection (chairs being launched by angry small primary aged children who have multiple problems going on at home). You have helped many children with your professional experience of teaching❤️❤️

I agree, in Scotland that's a really decent salary to live on. Housing is very affordable for most if you know where to look.

No disrespect to others who don't know the lay of the land, but many in Scotland don't have large salaries and we live comfortably. It's not a big deal. The support of family and/or local community often is a big part of life here.

Congratulations. Please try to keep some perspective. If you are career driven you can always find reasons to delay having children- for example once she has done teacher training ideally she would get settled in the role, maybe move to the area she likes, work on promotion to a leadership role, save a deposit for a house etc.. This works for some people but too many of my friends have waited for the perfect moment moment then faced difficulties with fertility, early menopause, chromosomal problems with babies related to older age of parents, cancer diagnoses and more. Several have ended up with one child when they wanted more, some with no children. I also have two friends, one male one female who had children aged about 30 whose medical diagnoses mean they are highly unlikely to see their children’s 18th birthdays.
Devastating things do happen to young adults but this is not one of them. There is a reason our bodies are most fertile in late teens and early twenties. If she wants a career she will get a career - there is loads of time for this.
If you want to be involved in the care of your grandchild in some ways it is a blessing too as many older grandparents find they do not have as much energy as they used to, you will probably find it easier now than in 10 years. If you don’t want to be involved too much then just make sure she knows that from the start.

I think your DD sounds absolutely lovely, bright and talented. She’s in an extremely stable relationship by the sound of things and obviously serious enough to have got married.

Teacher training can wait for a year or two, it won’t harm her prospects at all. There’s actually a shortage of creative teachers because people aren’t studying them as much at A Level or uni anymore so she’ll find a job easily I’d imagine.

I think she’s going to prosper and have a good life. Continue to support her as I’m sure you will and all will be well, you’ve raised a fantastic daughter!

I live in the South Wales valleys and there’s plenty of houses here for £120k (and yes they have four walls and a roof and are ready to move into). You sound like Hyacinth Bucket, you think you are better than you actually are, I’m glad my area is too common for you because I’d hate to have you as a neighbour, you sound very judgmental which is uncalled for.

Fuck me, there’s some high grade snobbery going on on this thread.

Your DD and her DH sound great and obviously have their heads screwed on. They’ll do well, and neither of them will have their jobs replaced by AI in 5 years time. It’ll be no bad thing for her to get the baby days out of the way before her career gets going either, rather than at the point where she’s got more responsibility and it’s harder to juggle.

@user1476613140 Awwww that is so kind of you to say and means a lot- thank you ❤️
I have left the classroom now, but still firmly in education. My job is teaching and mentoring students in their own homes 1-1 who, for many different reasons, are currently unable to access any mainstream setting. It brings me so much joy and the families I work with in the main are often so very appreciative. The role has taken me out of my comfort zone as I now work with mostly secondary but actually - I absolutely love it!! I've been doing it 18 months but sadly, as the pay is non-existent over school holidays, may have to look for something else as struggling to pay the bills and rent 😞
But for as long as I can, I want to keep doing what I am doing! Would recommend!

What page is the snobbery on?
There are some funny theories on young parents I had my first at 16 and shock horror I have a job and haven’t descended into a crack or heroin addiction.

Ten years ago no one would have batted an eye at a 22 year old mother, people need to do the maths and work out how old their own grandmothers were when they had their first child!