Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

408 replies

Postmanpatri · 15/08/2026 13:40

Hi, my DD is 21, she will be 22 in January. She has just graduated from university, and got married last month. I’ll be honest I wasn’t thrilled about her getting married at 21, she’d been with her boyfriend since secondary school.
However today she has announced she is pregnant. She told me it wasn’t planned, but they are keeping the baby. She still lives at home with me but has committed to finding somewhere else to live, I’ve told her there is no hurry.
Im going to be honest I’m devastated, she was the first person in our family to go to university, she got straight As in her highers and advanced highers, she is due to start teacher training, but has said she might not start as she is due in February.
I am so worried she is throwing her life away, her husband is a lovely boy but he is only 22, he’s a joiner so he puts in a lot of hard work but it’s not high earning.

AIBU to feel like this? What do I do?

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 15/08/2026 22:30

They sound happy and sensible. It may not have been their plan, but they sound excited and dealing with it in a mature way. I'd be excited too! I had kids mid thirties and wouldn't necessarily recommend it - I'm 50 with teens, menopause and ageing parents. I think iI\d be pleased if my kids had kids earlier than I did - IF they were in the right situation, which is sounds like your DD is.

35K is a great salary for early 20s! My DH is 60 and doesn't earn much more than that as a social worker. Your DD sounds sensible - do encourage her to develop her career, even if it's hard with a baby.

Htcunya · 15/08/2026 22:28

Even if this young woman waits a few years before teacher training and starting to work, she could be teaching for the best part of forty years. She doesn’t sound the type to opt out of working.

WearyAuldWumman · 15/08/2026 22:18

justasking111 · 15/08/2026 22:12

My friends a teacher her DH an electrician. He earns more than double the salary of his wife

Show quote history

Yes. When the topic of uni came up in the staffroom, many of my colleagues were advising their children to take apprenticeships - that included the headmaster.

justasking111 · 15/08/2026 22:12

WearyAuldWumman · 15/08/2026 22:06

I'll add that a joiner will probably finish up making more money than a schoolteacher.

My friends a teacher her DH an electrician. He earns more than double the salary of his wife

WearyAuldWumman · 15/08/2026 22:06

I'll add that a joiner will probably finish up making more money than a schoolteacher.

ThePoliteLion · 15/08/2026 22:05

It sounds like she really wants to have a baby. The career can wait. She sounds lovely and wise head on young shoulders - likewise your son in law x

WearyAuldWumman · 15/08/2026 22:05

Purposefulactivity · 15/08/2026 15:00

It's very difficult in the UK (and I would say in Scotland in particular) to escape the social class you were born into. Especially if there is a boyfriend, now husband, pulling you away from your new life.

I suspect it's more likely than not that she will resettle into the community and life she started out in and perhaps end up in a more modest, working class job.

But is that such a bad thing? If she's happy? (And by happy I mean not being drained of energy, ambition and potential by a less intellectually and socially able partner.)

There's a lot to be said for living in a tight-knit community, surrounded by people you know and love. Social mobility, and geographical mobility, aren't everything!

I know several teachers who married men who were joiners, plumbers, etc.

Speaking for myself I suppose I have stayed largely within a working class community, but with a foothold in a middle class lifestyle if that makes sense.

WearyAuldWumman · 15/08/2026 21:59

NorthernPaws · 15/08/2026 14:55

It sounds like she wants a career in teaching. So that’s fine if she takes a break now her degree is finished, before doing the teacher training course. People start teacher training courses at all ages and all stages of life. Even if she spends a few years now focusing on being a mum, after that she can then start her career as a teacher - which is a great job and can fit around her family needs. So all sounds promising to me.

Yes, my late husband was a mature entrant to teaching - would have been in his early 30s when he finished teacher training in Aberdeen.

Dancingsquirrels · 15/08/2026 21:47

Postmanpatri · 15/08/2026 19:41

I’m guessing you haven’t read all my comments.
Where we live 2 beds are about 120k-150k, with some in the town her husbands parents live in just 10 minutes up the road at 100k.
They have 12.5k saved and her DHs parents have offered them 6k. Her DH makes 35k, did an apprenticeship so no student loan.
DD makes £13 an hour at the cafe doing 20 hours a week so call that £13000 a year before overtime is added in, then she tutors on top of that.
In much of the county they wouldn’t stand a chance, I know that, but we aren’t in an expensive part of the country by any means and they don’t need to rush out of here, I’m happy to have them if they need/want more time to save.

Show quote history

I think there's a lot to be said for living in a more affordable part of the country and having a family young

Your DD sounds v sensible

mathanxiety · 15/08/2026 21:38

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 15/08/2026 20:18

So the taxpayer funded her saving and she’s not paying back her loan.

You are possibly not aware that loans get sold off in tranches to investors, so the taxpayer gets a certain amount on the pound but the investor gets more.

Warmlight1 · 15/08/2026 21:00

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 15/08/2026 20:18

So the taxpayer funded her saving and she’s not paying back her loan.

You can't when you are having a baby. The system is arranged so that people pay it back when their income hits a certain threshold. Surprisingly, the people who set it up knew about women' tendencies to get pregnant and decided not to stipulate stuff around that. Because they weren't Nazis.

user293948849167 · 15/08/2026 20:59

I actually think doing it this way might become the “new normal”.
The current fashion has been go to uni and have your career first then have babies in late 30s even early 40s, but that isn’t necessarily the best way. It’s physically better to have children younger and many women have fertility issues by the time they get to over 35.
Maybe the younger generation are right that having a family first is better.

rainbowunicorn · 15/08/2026 20:41

NancyThompson · 15/08/2026 20:36

@MeetMeOnTheCorner some very unpleasant posts from you.

Thats pretty standard for that particular poster.

Clarabell77 · 15/08/2026 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Well you don’t come across as being very happy.

NancyThompson · 15/08/2026 20:36

@MeetMeOnTheCorner some very unpleasant posts from you.

Leapintothelightning · 15/08/2026 20:35

foursquares · 15/08/2026 17:57

I'm with you, I'd be devastated too. She's still living you, and in a relationship with a nice guy, but their both young, haven't experienced much real life yet, so relationship might not last. This is probably wrong decision...hope it end up well.

Oh give over. Who’s to say the relationship won’t last just because they settled down young?

Changeisstillpossible · 15/08/2026 20:32

I think some posters don't realise how affordable homes can be in some parts of the country.

My DD and her husband are still in their 20s, own their own flat ( no big deposit gifts from parents!) and are doing fine.

I'm sure this couple will, too

Clarabell77 · 15/08/2026 20:32

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 15/08/2026 20:18

So the taxpayer funded her saving and she’s not paying back her loan.

Oh pipe down. Her husband works/pays tax.

Clarabell77 · 15/08/2026 20:31

ExOptimist · 15/08/2026 13:53

I'm with you OP, I would have been devastated too. She hasn't even started any career, of course she can do it later but it will be a lot lot harder with a baby or toddler.

I expected my children to get well established in careers after university, own a home, before they married and had children, which is what they did. That's why they waited till over thirty even though they'd met at university over a decade before.

Do you know why she decided to carry on with the pregnancy?

Will they be able to afford a home of their own on his salary alone? She presumably will get very little maternity pay.

Do you know why she decided to carry on with the pregnancy?

Because she wants to.

NameChangeScot · 15/08/2026 20:26

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 15/08/2026 19:36

@NameChangeScot So you think this DD and her DH will get a mortgage? On what earnings? A coffee shop assistant? What deposit? It’s just so different now. It’s foolhardy not to have a career before dc. And a bit of self employed baby music really won’t get a mortgage!

Her husband is on £35k, they've got £12.5k deposit saved and she has some income herself. I stay in similar area to what the op has described and they'll be just fine on that and should be able to get a mortgage for a modest propert. It might not be your ideal but they're in a better position that most young people are.

schashme · 15/08/2026 20:21

@MeetMeOnTheCorner why do you think she won’t pay back her loan?

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 15/08/2026 20:18

So the taxpayer funded her saving and she’s not paying back her loan.

Allseeingallknowing · 15/08/2026 20:15

Hope you’re feeling better about it OP! I had a baby at 18 and 21 and still managed to have a career later. I’m sure your daughter will be just fine!

Warmlight1 · 15/08/2026 20:14

Postmanpatri · 15/08/2026 19:02

Thank you everyone, DD and I just went for a little walk and had a chat.
She told me they have about 12.5k in savings as she was never spending her full maintenance grant/loan while at uni and was keeping money back and her husband has been putting in £500 a month.
She said she doesn’t really want to rush to start her teacher training or go back to studies/work after the baby arrives as she wants to be able to give as much as she can to being a mum in the early days and feels she wouldn’t be able to do either well if she split her attention.
I have told her she has my support. She seems a mix of terrified and excited which I’d say is probably one of the more common feelings to a surprise pregnancy!
I feel a bit better now.

Honestly she sounds awesome

schashme · 15/08/2026 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

And yet you embarrass yourself with a post like this. Not very classy for someone pretending to be high class.