AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

I wouldn’t return to my secondary teaching post, but I have the impression that my colleagues in the Music Department had a much more positive experience.

I did a bit of supply in a Music Department and that was a joy. (I’m not qualified in music, but I play an instrument and my knowledge was just about enough for the junior classes I covered.)

This is a lovely, interesting thread, and you sound like a really wonderful family. I'm sure the kids are going to be very happy. My observations were of a very sweeping nature, and they weren't in any way intended as a commentary on any of you specifically. (But I do think your son-in-law is a very unusual young man, statistically speaking!)

Just to add, I moved away from my own small-town community and family (three generations before me went to uni, so admittedly different background), and I am very conscious of the stability and happiness and sense of belonging that comes from staying put (and which, by the same token, you miss out on when you head out into the world). So I'm definitely inclined to think that they've made a great decision and I hope they can navigate their interests and ambitions where they are, sounds like they're very well set up to do it.

Getting a University degree is an achievement but the OP's daughter is going to struggle doing that now.

i don't understand the relevance of this. OP's daughter already has a degree, having gained outstanding exam results at school.

As is so often the case, some posters are incapable of appreciating that not everyone wants the same things. And apparently young people finding it difficult or impossible to buy their own house is a terrible thing, but a young couple intending to buy a house in their early twenties is also a terrible thing?

I've just seen that the daughter has a first class honours degree in music. Fantastic. And she will be able to continue to earn money giving music tuition while she waits to do teacher training. Sounds good to me. The implication that she's a pregnant cafe worker on minimum wage is quite the distortion.

My neighbour's son who did not want to go to university started his career working as a joiner for the council, now at the age of thirty runs his own successful business and has worked extremely hard in the evenings to renovate a four-bedroomed detached house for him, wife and baby to live in.

Apparently?

Cheek!

One of my former pupils bought a terraced house down the road from me for less than 90k. (It would have been more, but she has to walk down a path to get to the road. Road access would have raised the price.

Galley kitchen, two bedrooms and a spacious living room with windows at either end. Garden back and front.

A decent area in a town with reasonable transportation links.

A house of the same design had had a lot of work done and sold at offers over 115k.

Folk in England often have no grasp of the difference in house prices here - perhaps because their knowledge of pricing comes from the university areas of Edinburgh and St Andrews.

Prices have also gone up a bit in the commuter belt, but you can certainly get a much more spacious home in a decent area here.

It’s fine the only thing I find strange it’s that she’s married and doesn’t have her own place . I think it’s a bit much getting married before you have moved out of your parent’s house . I would have not moved her husband in in the first place to be honest I just find that absolutely ridiculous.

Yeah, so what if you can get a house for £120K in parts of Scotland. (Apparently.) Doesn't mean it's a great idea to tie yourself down with a mortgage and kids at 20-21 years old. I'm not changing my opinion and views. I would have been mortified if mine had got a mortgage and had a baby at 21. I am entitled to say that.

Anyway @Postmanpatri YOU are the one saying you're devastated that your daughter is pregnant at 20-21, and being tied down with a mortgage, when you believe there could be so much more for her in her life..... Have you changed your mind and are suddenly OK with it?

Weird thread. In the real world, very few people will want DC getting pregnant and having a mortgage at 20-21 years old.

And shocker > I AM from a working class background, I know, unbelievable right. I should be fine with my DC just getting pregnant at 19 and getting married at 20. 🙄 Honestly, this place sometimes!

I'm out. I'll leave y'all to it.

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@Warmlight1 Absolutely. He will be made financially and not having to privately rent like his old mum. Perhaps he can buy me a house one day hahaha 😆
I would avoid teaching in schools at all costs. Would never return.

Agree entirely!

So the higher aspiration would be financial.services?
I know a very successfully woman who moved from that into teaching- because she found it more rewarding. But financially- I've often thought- financial services are the way to go. If you are numerate.
The OPs daughter has a music degree though, so highly skills based. And probably more enjoyable?

Well, I’m now 66, so…

Yes, I come from a working class background where literature and music were both appreciated.

Mind, you I see many supposedly middle class people now who only seem to have an interest in decorating their homes and acquiring designer clothes and accessories.

Houses for £120K in Scotland that are perfectly fine as a first time buy:

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/for-sale/details/73543109/?search_identifier=db646feedef00ced66a00192e60a7d8fe10bcda815627c469b46b77cffe24d5d

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/for-sale/details/73941168/?search_identifier=4e0a380320cc83202af2989213b04bf335208637a4dd7c98047837705544cdc0&featured=1&utm_content=featured_listing

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/for-sale/property/scotland/?price_max=120000&price_min=120000&q=scotland&search_source=for-sale&pn=3

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/for-sale/details/73490685/?search_identifier=6ca749b67e55668fb35ce1ea6be93ed8b0c4d28eb8a502d6d091780e0f40e41d

https://www.zoopla.co.uk/for-sale/property/scotland/?price_max=120000&price_min=120000&q=scotland&search_source=for-sale&pn=5

There are also dozens of fixer-uppers at that price point which shouldn't be an issue when her DH is a joiner.

@Warmlight1 I agree with that poster - and I was a primary teacher for 22 years.
My sons have had far, far more opportunities academically than I ever did (better schooling for a start) and I would want them to aim as high as they can possibly go. Eldest is at uni studying maths and economics and hopes to go into banking of some sort. I am confident he will do incredibly well for himself financially, without the horrendous stress and burnout risk that teachers are increasing having to face.

One of my best friends had her child at 21 years old once she'd finished her university qualifications and gotten married. She went on to have a career despite being an immigrant with English as an other language, and her husband did really well in his career too. They bought a modest house and paid it off early. Her child was an adult by the time she was 40. She and her husband were retired by the time they were 50 and have been travelling the world ever since with a home here and a second one in her home country. Sitting here in my 40s with primary aged children and the prospect of working well into my 60s I can't question her choices! Good luck to your daughter, I am sure she will be fine.

The OP lives in Scotland and has said the houses are £120-150k.

I live in the home counties. House prices where I live are generally £700-950k for a 3+ bedroom family home. 2beds where I live are certainly not £250k. Couldn't get a small flat for that here.

I'm not sure why you think I'm projecting. We bought our house for £850k and both earn six figures. I'm not a snob though and am able to recognise what is a success for others.

The trouble is that we're living in the Age of Stupid.

Which means, among other things, that the "well-lettered working man" is now almost entirely extinct as a species.

(Being a weary auld wumman, your friends may have managed to marry this type before it died off?)

And which then means that if you have any interest in anything cultural and intellectual, marrying a working class person means that you will, most likely be quite mismatched.

Not that being "middle class" means that you automatically are well-educated or curious about the world or have anything much going on between the ears, but I think there's more of a chance of that happening that with a working class person.

And being not just a graduate but a music graduate, the OPs daughter might well have some spark about her.

Just to stress, this is not a judgement, just an observation. And from what the OP has said, I think there's a chance that they'll have a happy life together. I just hope that the daughter gets to meet her potential and is free to pursue her interests without being weighed down by the community around her, including her new husband.

Id not have expressed it like that poster- but it's biologically more likely to conceive as a younger person and not everyone can conceive later. I don't disrespect any persons choices around their fertility or otherwise and Id always say where there's hope don't give up- just do be aware of biological reality. That's not misogyny.
But it's not the only path. I agree with that.
@Clonakilla I'm interested - genuinely- in what you think is a better career for a music graduate than teaching. Given there' s a child to consider.
I used to think a career like teaching was a pinnacle. And I still think there are many massively gifted people doing that and it'd be a shame if they stopped to - idk- run a supermarket. But I see the toll on the teachers and others in ' human' professions.
But what is your idea of a better pathway?
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@GoldenSandy

I'd rather my DC had a mortgage a bit older than 21 yes. (And didn't tie themselves down so young!) And statistically they will be on far more money in their mid 30s than they will be at 21. And I would not like to live in any house that cost £120K! Where on earth do you live @GoldenSandy that had houses THIS cheap? Where I live, 2 bed terraces start at £250K!

I'm not sure your silly house prices are the GOTCHA you think it is!

And as for classing £35K as a good salary. The mind boggles. Good luck to anyone living on that with a mortgage and kids!

And you don't have to 'have a good start in life' to not get pregnant at 20-21!

Good grief, back to the drawing board for you to try and articulate a better argument!!!

I can see you're projecting, so I will leave you to it....

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@GoldenSandy Unfortunately being a teacher is no longer a respected career by so many, and this filters down to the children. The disrespect was one of the many, many reasons i chose to leave primary teaching after 22 years and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.
I have advised all three of my children strongly against it, but I am confident it is not a career option they would even consider.

If the average house price where they live is £120-150k and her husband earns £35k, that is not going to be a hefty mortgage is it. I suspect once she's trained as a teacher they'll be doing very well for themselves and probably will pay off the mortgage within ten years or so.

You'd rather yours tied themselves down with a hefty mortgage at 35? What so they reduce the chance of ever paying it off? Not sure that's the gotcha you think it is.

Not everybody has the same start in life.

So yes, working class kids going to uni and buying a house at 21 and in a stable relationship, IS something to shout about.

I'm not sure it is. I would have been mortified if mine had got married, and tied themselves down with a child, and had a hefty mortgage - at 21. There is SO much more they could do with their lives first. Why the rush? They've only just left their teens! Settling down so young gives you a life of domesticity and drudgery now until their mid 40s! As I said, when they're barely out of their teens. Your 20s is for having fun, not being tied down with a mortgage and kids. (When you're barely out of your teens.)

Not being funny, but getting married and having a baby and getting a mortgage: none of them are really high achievements or anything to 'shout about.' I'm not saying it's bad to do this, but they're not great achievements either. Pretty much anyone can do all 3 quite easily.

Getting a University degree is an achievement but the OP's daughter is going to struggle doing that now.

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