AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

Thank you, I rent it

@Frogfootedfroggy That's impressive, especially at such a young age. Do you own your own home?

it’s hardly the end of the world I’m 25 and have a 9 year old. Yes I had her at 16 actually found out I was pregnant at 15.
I am a now a normal person with a normal 9 year old I’ve raised myself (not my parents or the foster system) I also have a job and am not a drug addict.

That’s to say getting pregnant young is not the end of the world and she’s not particularly young anyway

YABU to feel like this and there is nothing you can do

@MeetMeOnTheCorner All I have to say is this - teaching nowadays is horrific. You clearly have no idea of what it is teachers actually have to do.
If it was so well paid, why do you think I did it for 22 years yet still can't afford a big enough mortgage to house my own kids?! My son wouldn't touch the profession with a barge pole. I want him to achieve so much more with his life than I ever did.

OP I don’t think you are being unreasonable, they ARE very young , and the decision they’re making does significantly change what their young years will look like and they will ‘miss out’ on things/ have a very different path to what they otherwise might have , so for you to have strong feelings about this especially if you had pictured what their (her) 20s would look like a certain way , is understandable. It also doesn’t mean that she’s set down a singular path (e.g. career , limiting experiences etc ) because of her decision

@FunPartyIdeas You seem very certain. There’s no guarantee of anything. What top uni? You seen to have little idea of how competitive these jobs are. I know many teachers - all are in their own houses. They retire early on fantastic pensions paid for in part by the state. You can have a great life as a teacher - part time hours, job shares and very long holidays. Come back and inform us what internships DS gets and what job because nothing is ever guaranteed and you are just a bit too smug.

To call a young couple living with parents whether married or not, ‘odd’ in this current climate is insanely out of touch

They both sound wonderful - cultured, hard-working and brimming with potential. Even if it's unexpected, they're going to give this baby a brilliant life!

Practically it's important your daughter checks her eligibility for SMP in her café job. It may well make more financial sense for her to keep that job and be entitled to SMP than leave it for teacher training where she won't have long enough service to get SMP.

Also important her husband looks at his eligibility for shared parental leave and pay - the Council might offer more than the statutory minimum so there may be financial sense in him taking some time off with the baby possibly while she goes back to some of her work.

A mortgage is going to be tricky because of the impact on earnings of her pregnancy and because some of her earnings are from self employment - they probably need a good broker to help them find the right thing.

If all goes to plan your mum gets a great grandchild and you get to be a grandmother relatively young.

It's not wrong to be surprised but this sounds like it's going to work out ok.

So baffled by these responses.

Why is it frowned upon by so many of you that the OP is proud of her DD. She studied for a degree, has found a lovely man to share her life with. Why is this not pride inducing? Do our DCs have to become Doctors or banking experts for us to feel proud? Teaching? Eww!

And as for living in a house that costs £120k - Christ - call the authorities immediately. How even could you?

Not everything has to be measured in a bloody fancy job or a big old house on millionaires row. The OPs DD and her husband sound like they have grown into decent human beings - frankly I think that's enough to be proud of!

I got married at 22 just after uni to my school boyfriend who had dropped out of uni himself. Even his aunts told me I was an idiot because he didn't have a steady job.... and frankly my prospects were a bit wet and windy too...

Ups, downs, a bloody long wait to actually have kids, (shitty infertility and miscarriages), poverty, debt, disappointment (with selves and each other) at times...

But we just celebrated 30 years and don't regret a minute. He's sat opposite me right now, just farted, has no hair left on his head but it grows wild from everywhere else... much like my chin...

Everyone doubted us... we doubted us. But you know who was in our corner every time... both sets of parents. Even when they thought we were being dicks.

Be there for your daughter. Be ready to catch them if things go tits up. It might just work out!

Congrats on your grandbaby!

Yes, fair point.

She has 40 more years till retirement if that helps to reframe things. She will be ok.
A little odd that she’s still living with her mum as a married and pregnant adult though I have to say.

Your son-in-law might be able to do ‘homers’ for extra income.

My son graduated last year and cannot find a job. He still works in a supermarket that he ported from his uni town to ours.

Be happy for them, you’ll have a beautiful grandchild shortly.

Just to say by better person I mean in terms of my own personal development.

@Minasama it is hard work but I can honestly say I’m a better person for it, taught me a lot about resilience, hard work and boundaries. Life is a piece of piss now I’m in my senior role with teenagers 🤣 genuinely seem to find life much easier than my colleagues and counter parts doing the reverse, I take things in my stride much more.

This would upset me as well. However as long as she does go back and get a professional job, she can make it work. It’s just likely to be a lot harder doing those first early years of work where you have to put the time in to progress while having a young child…

@ohyesiseethatnow you say uncommon but I really think this is one of those things skewed by circles and locations. I’m from a rural, affordable area, I admittedly was the youngest, but even then most of my friends were married by 26 with a child soon after. All went to uni and having a career of some kind. In my London circles it’s obviously much less common (actually can’t think of anyone I know at work married under 30).

I think it largely comes down to 2 things:

1. when you meet your partner and the quality of said partner
2. affordability of housing

If those 2 things are in your favour you can absolutely have a wonderful quality of life, I actually deem myself as very lucky to have been able to take the path I have done because now I’m based in the SE I realise what I did was actually not a viable option for many and I’m reaping the rewards of it at this point, while my similarly aged counterparts are in the thick of it. We all have to be in the thick of it at some stage!

@MeetMeOnTheCorner My son will make far more money after graduating from a top uni with an economics and maths degree than I could ever have dreamed of as a teacher. There is no way on this earth he is going to be in privately rented at 45 because he can afford to buy! Yes of course his career is bound to be stressful at times, but it will also be very financially rewarding. It's worked for his dad.
I would also strongly encourage the OPs daughter to spend time in schools shadowing before she decide to become a teacher in today's schools. It may well put her off.

You clearly don't know Scotland.
There are plenty of decent areas in Scotland where you can buy a 2 bedroom for £120k. We are selling a house at the moment and our buyer is selling a gorgeous 2 bedroom with a garden, on a lovely street in Glasgow for offers over £120k.
Earning £35k at 22 is a good wage here.

I think that's enough mumsnet for today! 🙄

They sound amazing young people! Lucky baby x

Make sure he starts a pension for her now until she starts working.

A lot of variables here.

Pregnancy at this age does often mean poor outcomes.

But not always, and does seem like OP’s daughter might be one of the ones who makes it work.

I know two couples of note who have done this. All very high fliers.

One woman, got married/pregnant straight out of uni. Husband had just started in the police. He did all the odd shift work etc while she stayed at home with kids (they had another very soon after the first). She then went out to work in the corporate world and climbed the ladder very quickly while he did similar in the police. She was not very well liked at work, possibly due to her ambition, but it didn’t hold her back. They are now early 50s, he is retired on generous police pension, she is very high up in her job with lots of flexibility. Their kids have also had kids young, so they are young grandparents who do lots of childcare and lots of big family holidays. The kids don’t seem particularly bright but the parents have set them up in their own business’ so they are doing well and making money, albeit with a lot of help. They have a huge house with a lot of land and built properties for their kids on their land.

Another one, girl was heavily pregnant at graduation. Also closely followed by another child. She did similar and climbed corporate ladder when she started work and now in early 40s is absolutely flying as her kids are older and don’t need so much time/attention. The husband trained as a doctor when the kids were young.

So, two uncommon tales, but if anyone is going to do similarly it sounds like it might be OP’s daughter.

although as she says, she doesn’t need them to be spectacular. A lot of snobby comments on here but there’s a lot to he said for buying a nice, ex local authority home young for a good price, in an area you know, surrounded by family, and raising kids working at jobs you enjoy. Sounds pretty good to me.

I have a relation who works with large scale timber projects and its a lucrative business. I think some people on the thread don't have a feel for the value of making things. It's partly the way the country thinks.