AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

Personally, like a previous poster, I'd say if teaching is her preference, an early baby is probably pretty central. I did the "London City Thing", had a baby "early" for the city at 32 and career stalled. Almost better to have a baby then go back after. That's what a friend did. Uni first, baby then masters in social work. University bent over backwards because, quite honestly, mature students with kids help their diversity stats. Teacher training isn't as hard as some options.

And as for joinery - lols. I'm on 6 figures and my builder / joiner cousin earns more than I do 🤣

I understand you’re upset, but all they’ve really done is hit the milestones a few years earlier than many other people. She has a degree, she’s married, and a baby is the logical next step. Yes, having her own home now would be better, but that will happen soon. She can defer her teacher training for a year, and then she’ll go into a decent profession. I think you’re pretty lucky - it could be so much worse.

YANBU. Doesn't seem any point in her going to Uni and getting a degree and getting into £50,000 worth of debt, if she was just going to get married at 21 and have a baby a few months later...

You will get loads of posters saying they managed to achieve a very successful highly paid career despite having a baby at 20 or so, but in the real world, most women won't.

I wouldn't believe her when she says the baby 'wasn't planned' either.

It was.

In 2026, there is absolutely no need whatsoever for a woman to get pregnant 'accidentality...'

/

They sound a v impressive young couple and I would be very proud of them both.

I’m 37 and have a professional job in the City (think AML-type role). Have a 5yo and a 4yo. I’ve got a colleague who is 40 and has a couple of teenagers! She got into our role when her youngest went to school - I only started in this career age 26, so we’re broadly at the same point now except she’s not having to plan her life around childcare and she’s a couple of years off being able to go on childfree holidays!

I’d have been terrified if I’d got pregnant straight after graduating, but looking at my colleague I do realise you can take so many different routes to the same place. It must be a shock but I’m sure everything will work out absolutely fine - and you will get an adorable grandchild!

I'm with you OP, I would have been devastated too. She hasn't even started any career, of course she can do it later but it will be a lot lot harder with a baby or toddler.

I expected my children to get well established in careers after university, own a home, before they married and had children, which is what they did. That's why they waited till over thirty even though they'd met at university over a decade before.

Do you know why she decided to carry on with the pregnancy?

Will they be able to afford a home of their own on his salary alone? She presumably will get very little maternity pay.

I was married at 22 , graduated when I was 22 and had my first child . 18 months later I did my PGCE and have now been teaching over 25 years . It is definitely not the end of the world . Maybe a bit tougher doing the PGCE , but possible .

That's excellent. I can't see a problem here, they'll have their own place, your DD can start teacher training when she's settled and the baby can go to nursery.
It sounds fine.

I know so many people who had babies young and still achieved everything they wanted career wise.

'Devastated' is a bit much OP. She's in a stable relationship, she's got her degree, she knows what she wants to do, she's got supportive family around her - focus on these positives.

Do you think they can afford to?

Finding somewhere to rent / buying a house and moving is a lot to deal with at the best of times, let alone during a pregnancy.

She said they both live with her.

True, but in those days cohabitating was frowned upon and women were usually housewives after having children.

It's really not the end of the world. I'd encourage her to get in touch with the university and see if she can defer teacher training for one year rather than pull out. By the time she's due to start her baby will be six months and she might be ready. If not she can always pull out then. There are many routes through life, and none of them are wrong.

I would make sure they are serious about that.

She sounds very sensible. Hopefully it will all work out.

She can always do teacher training when the baby is a bit older.

No she says DD is commited to moving out, she hasn't said if her husband is living with her. What's the living situation OP?

My SiL had her DD aged 17. She went back to uni 6 years ago and is now an NHS physio. She's in her early 30s, DD is off to college and SiL can build her career.

I did it the other way around and am finding my late 30s tough going with two young DC and a professional full time job. Career progression has definitely slowed! So I don't think either SiL or I did things the "right way" - there are positives and trade offs to each.

Ok, have they saved enough already?
They sound very mature and competent. At 21/22 mine were nowhere near a house deposit.

Does her husband live with you too?

After getting married at the ages they did, I don’t think you should be too surprised a baby is on the way. IME most people who marry young have a baby quite quickly.

Hang on, she's married but still lives at home?! That's a bit odd.

But anyway, good on them for choosing to raise their child rather than abort it.

It’s not ideal as she hasn’t got her career established, but she has her degree, her husband is working and they have a plan to get their own place. I would be disappointed as it’s unplanned and she wanted a career but I think it can work out. Encourage her to have her career once the baby is born.

It is so young, especially these days, so I understand your feelings and think I’d feel the same.

I know she said that.
I'm wondering where the husband lives. Do they all live together? How soon, practically, can they move out?