AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

Get a grip, she’s the perfect age to have a baby tbh. Sorted education, loving and stable relationship. This is all good. I’d be looking at property and thinking how you can help them in the next stage rather than being ‘devastated’

Teachers are always in demand so I doubt she will have a problem picking up her teacher training at some stage in the future. Please don't think she has ruined her life. It sounds like she is in a stable relationship and you liker her DH. Actually OP, you have an awful lot to be thankful for. Don't worry about what people may think or say - she has not let herself down.

And a baby born into a loving family is always a blessing. You're going to be a Granny!😍It's the best job in the world.

As she wants to teach, she'll always have a job and can start later, and it'll fit around the family with school holidays etc. so I wouldn't worry on that score.

The bigger issue for me is that she got married while still living at home with you. That's not on really. If they're going to be grown ups, get married and have kids, they need to have moved out and got their own place. I know sometimes this is impossible, but they could easily have held off on getting married until they'd got a place sorted and could stand on their own two feet. Delayed rewards and all that. I wouldn't be happy about that and would be urging much more independence now so you don't get landed with childcare and funding commitments. They have to step up and take responsibility not just play at it.

Give you a grandchild, maybe she doesn’t want a grandchild (yet or ever). I want my girls to be settled, happy, with good jobs and steady relationships and nice homes before they think about babies. I don’t want them to “give” me a grandchild before then (although of course if it happens, I’ll be all in).

The issue I have with some of these stories (maybe not so much in this case) is that we’re all for supporting girls/young women to have their babies if they want to, but the impact on the grandparents and wider family is just to be accepted as collateral damage of that decision. You see it a lot on threads on here where teenage couple have decided to have a baby. “Her body her choice so you’ll just need to give up your life to help her raise the baby. Soz”

”Give” her a grandchild. OP could still be working full time. Or just settling into retirement or whatever. Maybe she doesn’t want to be a granny yet.

I am not sure what you mean ?

"Doesn't seem any point in her going to Uni and getting a degree and getting into £50,000 worth of debt" @PrettyLittleRose

No tuition fees for Scottish students.

@Postmanpatri you may be mourning the loss of your expectations for your daughter, devastating is a bit strong.

As for your son in law, he's a joiner which is a brilliant trade and he'll never be out of work.

I would feel as you do OP, I feel (and a lot of people will disagree) that early 20s is far far too young to be married and pregnant. I would feel its a bit of a waste.

But you are where you are, the baby is coming, and you need to make peace with it. It could also be a lot worse: she has a degree, he has what sounds like a stable job and they are married and happy. I think it’s a case of bite your tongue and count your blessings.

She can still use the degree when the baby is older.

This.

But that is because you are wise, not just intelligent. I wish I were like that, but alas.

I’d be absolutely gutted too. It’s just too young. Your early 20s are for travelling and having fun. I’d be incredibly disappointed if my kids had kids before they had their own places and could afford them, not to mention limited life experiences.

It used to be fairly standard to get married out of uni, and start a family. My mum did, she actually did her teacher training once we were in school, and proceeded to have a great career.

Plus lucky baby having such a young gran.

Would you rather, your dd, like so many on MN, were posting 'I am 40, I am hoping to find a nice man and have children with him' or suchlike idiotic things we read on here?
Your daughter is smart, got a degree, will be a teacher (not interior designer), so she has her head screwed on, she has a husband, they will have a baby - sounds like a dream to me!
She will still be young when her children grow up - which is a gift from God, only not many people realise that, and what a gift it is!!!!
Be happy for your smart, non-bed-hopping university-educated daughter - until recently it was the norm, to marry young, to have children young, it is only now, in these genetically challenging times it is the 'new normal' to be geriatric mothers and 'still looking for love in your late 30s'.

Disclaimer: I was that moron, late starter, and geriatric mother, so I know what I am talking about - I wish I had your daughter's nous.

I think you are really really really lucky.
She is still intelligent, hard working and has a degree. She will bounce back and start a career, PLUS give you a grandchild!
If you are so worried about her career, why don't you offer to help withthe baby or nursery fees so she can take the training now? I know you are still doing a lot by housing them. If you continue to do so, she could carry on with her career plans too?

I’d feel the same as you OP my daughter is 22 and has one year left of uni I want her to go make a life for herself so I’d be disappointed if this happened. The other concern is being in a rent trap once you have a baby , renting , childcare costs if she’s wants to work , it’s hard for them to ever get established on the property ladder. Having said that I had mine at 20 .. sure my mum felt the same as- and I absolutely love being a younger mum with a 22 year old she like my young best friend

Yeah, birth control doesn't fail..... When it's being used correctly

Implant: Less than 0.05% failure rate.
Hormonal and Copper IUDs: 0.2% to 0.8% failure rate.
Injectable (Depo-Provera): 0.2% failure rate.
Combined or Progestin-Only Pill: 0.3% failure rate.
Contraceptive Patch and Vaginal Ring: 0.3% failure rate.
Male Condoms: 1.5% failure rate.

Virtually 99% of pregnancies are planned.

She’ll be fine, I have a family member who did teacher training with a baby, had several more children, and ended up in a senior position.

You’ll get a lot of YABU but I don’t think you are. I’d be gutted too. I’d get on with it, but yeah I’d be gutted.

Hold her back in what way? She'll be a year later starting. Big deal. I didn't get a grad job until I was 28. I'm at the top of my industry now.

The bottom line is no one's circumstances are completely optimal. Sounds like she has plenty of advantages that others won't have. If she wants to pursue teaching, there is no reason why that would be a problem.

I think devastated is an overreaction. She sounds level headed.

It just comes across like you don’t think her DH is good enough because of his job.

Erm, birth control can still fail, even in 2026? So could well be unplanned

I missed that post it wasnt in the OP.

As a side note, it baffles me how people still say a pregnancy/ baby was ‘unplanned’.

Contraception can fail but it’s very rare. What ‘unplanned’ really means is having sex without contraception but the goal at the time was not to conceive.

But you'd have to be deluded to say it won't hold you back ......

.

But this is just silly. You don't become incapable of pursuing a career because you have a baby.

I would also consider that the baby was planned and this is what they both wanted but, pre empting your disappointment, she has found it easier to say to you that the pregnancy is a surprise.