AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

Are you beginning to feel a bit more positive about this yet?

I undestand the shock but this isn't a devasting, negative thing.

I can understand your feelings OP but the positives are she has completed her education & she does sound like she has her head screwed on (offering to move out asap)

She has a music degree, even better.

She could even start music lessons and grinds now and work all the way up to the birth and also it allows her flexibility when the baby is young.

She's an intelligent young lady. I've no doubt she will be fine.

Why aren't you happy to have a grandkid?

Update upthread - They live here as they were saving for a house deposit, but she immediately said they would move out before the baby was born.

I fell pregnant before my degree was even finished, to a completely unsuitable violent man. I ended up living back with my parents and had on paper absolutely destroyed what should have been a very promising life.

It was a hard few years but I have a life most people would dream of now, and earn well
in the six figures (my child is now 18). If I had had a husband who was supportive and already working, those early years would have been fine too.

Her life definitely is not ruined. It’s just not how you envisaged it. As others have said though, the young marriage was already a very strong indicator that this was likely to be their path, or they wouldn’t have settled down so early. So it can’t have been too much of a surprise really.

This was pretty much me. Married whilst still at uni and then pregnant at 22. No money. No plan. And I'm certain my parents felt the same as you did but never expressed it. I was at a top uni, loads of potential etc. We had two kids who are now late teens. We're still married. We juggled work and career possibilities. I have a brilliant career in the sector my degree was in and it's worked out pretty identically to how it would have done if we'd have waited, it's just been a little back to front. We're now early 40s and concentrating on our careers more than ever with two amazing, independent children. Don't write her off for taking an atypical path. Support her, she'll be fine.

I do understand your disappointment. However your son-in-law is only 22 but has a trade and can run his own business in the future if he wishes. I'd be happy with that.
A young woman who lives near me had her first child before embarking on teacher training. I'm sure it was very hard for a while but she's been working for some years now and still happily married.

She is 22 and has a good degree, a good husband and will still be young once she finishes having a family so she can use that degree .I think it sounds positive.

YANBU to be worried. Ultimately it is their choice but I do think they should have settled into some accommodation first. I guess there are advantages to having children young. She'll have time on her side for a career going forward.

I can see why you are disappointed though.

It's maybe not the way you'd envisaged things, and yes in an ideal world your daughter would have her PGDE and probationer year done, and own their own home etc etc but having a baby and doing her PGDE aren't necessarily incompatible.
I teach on a PGDE and I've had several students take a break for maternity. If she's due in February/ March, she could get most of the course done and then return to do final placement. Or she could see if the university will defer her place until next year. I would let her have time to settle with this news and see what she decides to do about her course.

I got married straight from uni and had dc pretty much straight away.

We had a tough few years, but now my youngest has just finished his first year at uni and we're much freer, whereas my friends are still doing school pickups and talking about secondary school nerves.
Last couple of years, me and dh have holidayed alone (children could have joined us but had other things to do) at least once a year, and we go out together etc.

I'm glad we did it this way round.

I think the important thing is that she has completed her education - I don't see that it needs to be a problem. As people have said, she has a lot going for her so I would say her prospects are still good, in fact she may benefit from starting a family earlier.

Hi, I'm new here and been lurking a few days but I wanted to reply to your post. I totally understand your in your shock and why you feel the way you do but honestly it's not the end of the world. I was pregnant at 21, my daughter was born when I was 22 and we were married by the time I was 23. I am now 40 and my daughter is almost 18, we are both thriving, I have done well for myself with a career working with children and my daughter is about to enter her second year of college and apply for university, I have been with my husband for nearly 22 years and we are still going strong so it can work. Your daughter and her husband sound like a sensible level headed couple, they will be fine. And I can assure you that the moment you hold that little grand baby in your arms anything you feel now won't matter anymore and you wouldn't want to change a thing :-)

Yes, it's not uncommon.

Based on the house price mentioned, the OP may be in my part of the country.

Most young women round here decide to keep their babies and wouldn't consider aborting for career reasons when they're in a stable relationship.

Yeah I did this.

in all honesty, she’s got a degree, they are married and will be moving out.

I’m not seeing the issue

i did my pgce when my youngest went into school and taught for the next twenty years.

"devastated" needs to be saved for "My 15 year old daughter is pregnant by an abusive drug addict"

I think it's a bit odd to get married so young and I would be concerned that it was driven by lack of confidence about forming relationships (particularly given her mental health history). But if the relationship is happy and fulfilling for her, a baby at this stage doesn't sound like a disaster or barrier to her having a decent job in the future.

Jeez not like she’s 16..she’s clearly worked hard and has a stable relationship with her husband. Joinery is a great trade something that’s always going to be needed! It’s unfortunate they’d not got a place or her a job first but it will come. They also sound like a lovely couple.

I was 22 when I had my eldest son, I was training to be a nurse. I took a break, had him and went back to finish my training. Married his dad and had another son. We bought a house pre baby as we had no family locally to live with (or who we’d want to live with) but his family were furious and disappointed and my mum told me to get rid of my son. So that was nice.

Despite how you feel this baby is coming, I hope, given how you feel they find somewhere to live soon. 22 is young but it’s not the end of the world, my son is now 25! A lovely boy, has a great job and I couldn’t be prouder of him.i am Still a nurse too, having him made me more determined to do well and provide a nice life for us all, it’s perhaps not a high flying big money career but it’s well paid and provides for us well

I think you are overreacting.

She's 21 not 12!

If she was to have an unplanned baby, there couldn't be a better time or better career path as teaching is one of those roles that most compatible with young children.

She'll be 26 when her child starts school. Only 26 when starting her career. A lot of people are only just beginning to decide what career they even want!

She's intelligent and also in a committed relationship which are further positives.

It would be far worse if she couldn't have children -believe me I know.

This is far from devastating. You're her mum. You job is to support her. Shake off your devastation amd realise it's not about you.

He’s got a good trade and she has a degree that she can use in a few years , it isn’t ideal but doesn’t sound like anything to be devastated about .