AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

Congratulations op, a grandchild to love.. This is good news.
The timing might not be perfect but it could be so much worse.

God OP, they sound like a dream team.

Since she is apparently happy enough to have kids, she could potentially have two by 25 - THEN start working full time and never have that tricky exhausted period to take off work just when she’s getting traction. Don’t forget she’ll have a stonking 43 years left to work even if she didn’t do anything before then.

LOTS of people don’t start teacher training until mid twenties.

The fact that she could teach a few (or a lot!) music lessons along the way is fantastic. Make sure both her and her DH if he is self employed are well set up with business bank accounts (mettle gives free agent accounting software that will keep expenses and invoicing, tax planning etc on track). No debt! No agonising about what to do! Young and married and full of energy for kids! Married to a man who you say is really helpful and contributes to the home (who could actually buy a fixer upper and fix it up in the future, something increasingly out of reach).

I know it might not be how you had envisaged it but it really could be so much worse. They sound like fantastic young people tbh.

It sounds like she wants a career in teaching. So that’s fine if she takes a break now her degree is finished, before doing the teacher training course. People start teacher training courses at all ages and all stages of life. Even if she spends a few years now focusing on being a mum, after that she can then start her career as a teacher - which is a great job and can fit around her family needs. So all sounds promising to me.

Ah yes, I would feel the same.
However as everyone has pointed out it will work out in the end. It's just not what you had in your head for her and you're allowed to feel disappointed for a bit.
I'm sure you won't let her know that and you'll soon be excited about the baby.

Don't be ridiculous. My daughter was born holding my iud in her hand. A few of my friends have babies conceived while on the pill.

Those stats are when the contraception is used perfectly and it's rarely perfect in real life. Real world success rates of various contraceptive methods are different.

Long-acting methods like IUDs and implants exceed 99% real-world effectiveness. Daily pills, patches, and rings drop to about 91% due to missed doses, while barrier and behavioral methods range from 76% to 82% efficiency in typical daily use.

That's unfair. It's only natural that OP would have hoped her daughter would qualify and have a couple of years teaching before having a child. And the husband have time to improve his earnings..
She's now seeing the positives as well as fearing the negatives so all's well..

You say birth control doesn’t fail, but then list various rates of failure? So it clearly does fail.

The failure rates look low but if you think the UK population aged 16-65 is ~43 million

Let’s say 2/3 of them are in relationships or having sex on average once a week. Probably a conservative estimate given that 1/3 are already excluded as celibate.

So 28 million people having 14 million shags per week. Not all of them will be using contraception but probably most, let’s say 10 million shags per week involve contraception.

Looking at your list and taking an average failure rate of around 0.475% (probably lower than reality as I imagine condoms, the least reliable, are also the most prevalent), that is 47500 contraceptive failures per week, or ~ 2.5 million per year. Obviously they don’t all result in pregnancies but contraceptive failure is not that unusual.

Just from reading your posts they sound like an amazing, grounded, lovely couple and I suspect they will make wonderful parents.

In terms of careers, whenever I see one of these posts I think of my cousins. The eldest got pregnant when she was 18, my father (who acted as a father figure to them after their father died young) was devastated saying she would now never go to university or have a career and her life was over. Her younger sibling swore it would never happen to him and was very careful.

I lost touch when my father died, but looked them up 20 years later. She was a visiting professor in a European university, and had a huge list of publications and public appearances. She had built a wonderful, fulfilling and meaningful career (in the same profession as my father) alongside her happy family.

Her sibling was still working in the (now technologically obsolete) family business he had inherited from his father and mine, never having gone to university, divorced and on dating sites.

I know which life I'd rather my dc had.

I had kids at 21/23 and tbh it was a doddle I had boundless energy, could cope without sleep. I’d done plenty of fun stuff in my late teens so I didn’t feel I was missing out particularly. The only hard bit was getting up the career ladder that didn’t really start until youngest went to nursery at 3 so I was 26 when i started my career. But it worked out.
what it does mean is that once your kids are adults you are only in your early forties so plenty of years to travel/ take time for you. (Unless like me you go mad and decide to have a third child at 37!!)

My mum was 23 when she had me. She had finished her degree and was married. I definitely recommend having a younger mum. She had enough energy for us and another bonus - my grandparents were young enough to be very involved. Enjoy your new grandbaby OP!

It's a huge shock and of course you're concerned about their futures - but your DD and her DH sound so smart and capable, I think they'll cope with this, and she'll get back to her career in a couple of years.

Sorry @Postmanpatri but you do and say nothing.

She is 21 not 12.

She has a plan, has saved, worked to get her degree, married her high school sweetheart.

Ok the timing might be a bit soon after graduation but thats not prohibitive to her career.

One of my closest friends is a very successful head teacher, she found out she was pregnant during her final exams, went on to do her pgce and has had an outstanding career.

Take a step back and look at your dd. You have raised her well. Trust her.

YANBU to feel however you feel, however YWBVU to express how you feel to her.

My mum felt similar when I got unexpectedly pregnant aged 23 (I had graduated and done an MA, but had just started graduate medical school and she was convinced that was the end of that), with the added issue that now-DH and I weren't married or even engaged and had actually only been together for less than a year. She wouldn't have wanted me to have had a termination, but her default assumption that I'd have to give up medical school and the 7 months of handwringing, bemoaning my fate and alternating between trying to pressure me into a shotgun wedding and reminding me I didn't have to stay with DH if I didn't want to didn't make for a particularly enjoyable or easy pregnancy.

12 years on I have absolutely no regrets - DS1 is amazing, I did stay at medical school and become a doctor, which I love, (though I have further negatively affected my career prospects in DM's eyes by going on to have two more kids, taking a year off each time and always working part-time, so I'm still quite junior) but my relationship with her has never really recovered.

I was quite frankly completely freaking out myself about unexpected impending parenthood and whether or not we would cope, and instead of being calm and supportive (or at the very least quiet, and venting her concerns elsewhere!) she needed me to reassure and calm her down constantly. It was draining and made me realise I couldn't actually rely on her. I now keep all problems and worries (cancer scares, exam failures, work issues, financial problems, issues with the DC) completely to myself until they either go away, I have dealt with them or I have as much info as possible and really have to tell her because she's going to notice 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I was 21. Don’t be like my parents they were totally unsupportive to me and my long term partner now husband. Nearly 18 years on I still get told I put the cart before the horse and that’s why we are financially not as well off. Had a big effect on me

It will be a hard road though. It’s hard enough as it is without juggling a child and the expense of not working for a year. I suppose as her husband is a tradesman he might be able to do the before care drop offs and then finish work before school finishes.

It’s not that well paid at all, unless it’s different in Scotland. My friends husband is a joiner and only earns about 45k with many years of experience.

I agree with this.

I can totally understand why you are a bit shocked as it was unexpected, I would be too, but they sound like they are sensible, and they have good support around them.

Plus she still has her degree, maybe she won’t be using it just now, but she will always have that in future.

I.understand it's a shock and I am not belittling that. But please remember that when the baby arrives you will love them so much and your daughter can go into teaching at any time. It's a good career and can be fairly flexible.

Congratulations. If your dds partner is a joiner he should be getting a pretty decent wage. I don't think I know a poor joiner 😂

The thing is though, it is her life. She is choosing how she wants to do things. As she should be.
I really hope you didnt show even a glimmer of devastation or disappointment at her lovely news. I had a parent who's face said it all. Needless to say, 20 years down the line I have minimal contact with that parent.

I'd be gutted too. Once you have kids your life is over

Congratulations on your soon to be grandchild. Sounds like a lovely supportive couple with good careers, supportive families and switched on.

Sounds like they’ll make a success and you have reason to be proud of how they are handling the news.

You're devastated that your DD has achieved educationally, got qualified, fallen in love and you will have a grandchild?

I think you are being astoundingly negative and narrow-minded.

This is equally a really valid point. You have effectively supported them playing at being grown ups. They should have been standing on their own two feet before taking the huge step of marriage, and then they may have been a bit more careful. They have the huge commitment of marriage without ever having properly lived together as independent adults. I think I’d be more upset and worried about that than the baby.