AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

Just wanted to say your daughter sounds really lovely. No doubt she'll be a great mum and a great teacher too once she's back at work.

It's ok. I know quite a few ppl who had kids young and it was fine. And the kids were really healthy and clever. And they will still.be young parents when the kids are adults and can enjoy loads of years together. Your daughter can start her career a bit later ans having a child will give her a good insight into child development. It's not the disaster you think it is.

You dd and her dh sound like the type of people who are decent, hard working and just bloody lovely.

What can you do?

Get excited!

Two (young) young people have decided to do things a little differently.

They will do what we all did - figure it out as they go along.

Love is a beautiful thing OP and it seems that you have a lot of that around you.

Nothing can buy that.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be disappointed. 21 isn’t a normal age to have a baby for someone who went to university and had plans to start their career. Teacher training (and then actual teaching as a newly qualified) isn’t massively family-friendly so this will put her teaching career back several years, if she ever does it at all.

But- you would be unreasonable to voice this to her. It’s her life and she gets to make her own decisions. All you can do is be supportive and there to guide her if she needs help.

Congratulations @Postmanpatri you're going to be a granny! How lovely.

I understand it must be a shock, but please, please don't do what my mum did when I announced I was pregnant at that age. She told me she wasn't ready to be a grandma yet and that she wasn't going to help me in any way, shape or form. I ended up a (divorced) single mum, dragging myself through uni with 2 young children in tow. It was i credible tough and whilst I accept it was all my choice, I can't tell you what a difference having a mum that helped just a little would have made.
So please, what ever you do, don't let her know you're devastated, because it sounds like you have a lovely relationship this far.

Also confused on your opinions of their jobs.. surely a joiner would make double a teacher!

Help available for First Time Buyers in Scotland

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I qualified as a teacher when I was 26 as I decided to have a few years out of education/training. I don’t feel it was too late. I now train student teachers and supervise their inductions once they qualify. In my experience, some of the most effective teachers are the ones who have a little life experience behind them. Don’t worry! Good luck to her.

Also perfect age to have a baby, younger pregnancies are generally easier on our bodies and less risk of complications. We're fitter, stronger and have much more energy to have a child at that age. It definitely gets harder when you leave it until later.

If he's a joiner and not earning good money there's something wrong.

Why are you 'devastated'?

She got her degree, she is married and it sounds like you don't live in an expensive part of the country and that they will manage to buy their first home.

She will be able to do her teacher training after she has had the baby.

It's hardly the end of the world!

Sounds like a lovely life, I can see why she'd be keen to stay local!

She’s the perfect age physically to have a baby. She sounds intelligent and sensible. She’s married, is saving for a house and has a plan. She has plenty of time to do a pgce. My dsis had a baby when she was 21 and just finishing off her degree. Didn’t stop her. She bought a house at 22, married at 23, and had her second baby at 26. Her oldest is nearly 20 and her youngest 14. Her life is lovely!

Having a baby doesn’t stop you progressing in your career. I was pregnant when finishing off my masters and started a doctorate when dc was 3.

She sounds very sensible and they seem to be working hard towards their goals. Music teachers are in very high demand. It is quite a feat for such a young couple to have so much in savings already. Congratulations!

Devastated is a strong word OP.
You would be devastated if DD became very sick and her life shortened. She and her husband sound sensible. Let them crack on with their lives. You will gain a grandchild and DD can pursue her career later on.

I was married at 18 (baby on the way) and a mum at 19. Did my degree at 27, professional qualifications shortly after. Was an FD at 34 and an FD of a FTSE 250 several years later.

She has her whole life ahead of her. Let her live it however she chooses.

T.b.h I think you should respect her decisions and her choice of partner. In years to come, as AI strips away so many career choices (including teaching), being a Joiner may be a fabulous career choice.

Young people are doing this now because rents are unaffordable for them. Best way to save for a deposit. If you have kind, loving parents who support you, then I don't see the issue if it works for all involved, It's how my parents and grandparents once lived and it still works in Italy.

You know what, it's very young and I think it's understandable to feel disappointed.

However, they are in love, they got married, they're about to buy a house, they are both hard workers...they have a lot going for them! And she's only 22. Her degree will keep and she can pretty easily go back to teaching in the future.

I'm just saying it could be a LOT worse. In many ways this could work out great. When the child is older they could both be going to school together! School holidays will mostly be off together etc. There are positives here, too, @Postmanpatri. Allow yourself to feel the disappointment and then try to focus on said positives.

Devastated

There are far worse situations your DD could have found herself in than married and pregnant.

And I agree with the PP who cast doubt on birth control failure, as it is extremely rare.

If that really is the case then I would expect her to be very, very keen to find out why.

Looking at your list and taking an average failure rate of around 0.475% (probably lower than reality as I imagine condoms, the least reliable, are also the most prevalent)

@noonames Yes, that's why when my DD asked me for advice on contraception, I advised her to never ever rely solely on condoms! They probably did take a risk and pregnancy is the result, but they won't do it again.

My DD also arrived a couple of years earlier than planned due to DH and I taking a risk...😁

It's very difficult in the UK (and I would say in Scotland in particular) to escape the social class you were born into. Especially if there is a boyfriend, now husband, pulling you away from your new life.

I suspect it's more likely than not that she will resettle into the community and life she started out in and perhaps end up in a more modest, working class job.

But is that such a bad thing? If she's happy? (And by happy I mean not being drained of energy, ambition and potential by a less intellectually and socially able partner.)

There's a lot to be said for living in a tight-knit community, surrounded by people you know and love. Social mobility, and geographical mobility, aren't everything!