AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

It’s not about women being able to work, it’s specifically about teaching.

Are you a teacher? Because I am, and it isn’t in any way family friendly in the early years. During my PGCE and my early career, I was out of the house from 7am to 7pm. And then I was working probably another hour when I got home and half a day on weekends as well. That was what it took to get all the planning, marking and paperwork done. That’s not very family friendly.

Teachers aren’t in school over the holidays, but are often working for several days of them. And obviously you can’t do drop off or pickup to school as you need to be at your own school, so you spend a fortune in wrap around care (assuming you can get it!). And then you won’t necessarily be allowed time off for your own children’s school events. Also, none of the nurseries around me offer term time places (except 9-3 preschools but that doesn’t work around teaching either) so you end up paying for loads of childcare you don’t need.

The vast majority of my friends who became parents later in their career (when in theory the work-life balance is better!) have only felt able to work part time. Many of them were refused the option so either quit or burn out, and those that do part time still work the same hours as a non-teaching full time job but only get 3 days pay.

If it’s any consolation the people I know that had babies young (17,21 and 22), who are now in their 40s are the most organised, efficient and consistently employed people I know. Having a child young means they have energy and have no option but to crack on with things. She can defer teaching, teachers are always in demand and she will have term time off. For you this feels disappointing, for her it sounds like she is getting everything she wanted, and what many people want but don’t get - a degree, married, a future career, a baby, and a mum who wants the best for her.

I wouldn’t be devastated . My DD got pregnant at 16, my granddaughter is now 21. I wasn’t devastated. There are much worse things.

My youngest daughter died at 21 years old ( 21 months ago)

Now that was devastating.

When your DD's baby is starting school, she will only be 26. Even if she waited until then to do teacher training, she'd still have a long career ahead of her.

I have two colleagues of similar ages. One has a 4 year old, one has an 18 yr old.

The one who had their child young is doing better with their career than the other. Not by much, and they’re both doing very well - but having a child means you take some time out. When you’re young, fit and motivated youve got the opportunity to minimise that impact in some way. Sleep deprivation isnt going to hit her in the same way it does someone older. She’ll have had a baby and got her degree in the same time frame plenty of others take to get their degree.

I had my DC in my early 20's. I was married, we owned our own home (mortgaged) and both had decent jobs. Was it ideal? No. I missed out on being a young adult and really getting to know now-ExH properly before committing to having children with him. He was more than a bit of a twat and our marriage ended when DC2 was 2 years old. Did I muddle through? Yes. I'm now approaching my 40's with a solid career and the prospect of my teenagers flying the nest while my friends the same age are dealing with babies and toddlers.

Your DD's relationship sounds pretty good. I'd encourage her to start the teacher training so it isn't so daunting to return to after maternity leave.

You can have a baby young and still have a brilliant life. She will be in her 40s and in her prime when her kids have grown up! She will have her freedom again in her forties. It's not as bad as it seems :) xx

YANBU. Doesn't seem any point in her going to Uni and getting a degree and getting into £50,000 worth of debt, if she was just going to get married at 21 and have a baby a few months later...
What a liad of nonsense!
The degree doesn't expire after a year! She will always have that.
You will get loads of posters saying they managed to achieve a very successful highly paid career despite having a baby at 20 or so, but in the real world, most women won't.

Those that are motivated usually manage to achieve. Sure, ive worked with many families that have needed support but there often there has been no encouragement or work ethic there but when a young adult wants to achieve they can. I have seen many young people that have had children when they wrre 16 , 17 and 18 and have had so many ACEs do incredibly well by the time they were 22/23. Their star continues to rise.
There is no reason, from the information we have that the Op's daughter wont do well.

I wouldn't believe her when she says the baby 'wasn't planned' either.
It was.

It's amazing that you have an insight to the young women's sex life and know exactly what has gone on. Quite incredible in fact!

In 2026, there is absolutely no need whatsoever for a woman to get pregnant 'accidentality...'
of course not 🙄 It never happens and it will never happen again to anyone! ( sarcasm, just in case)

...or even 5 or 6 years finance allowing.. she'll be more mature, more experienced in child development, and still in her 20s. .....

I would love it if my DD did this. I did the "sensible" thing of using my twenties to build a career and go travelling - I didn't actually enjoy travelling that much, and I hated the career I was in. Even though I was with my DH from age 22, we didn't have a child until I was 32, and I ended up having a baby and doing my teacher training (my new career) all at the same time, 10 years later than your daughter. I then had secondary infertility, and didn't have my 2nd until 38, and then ran out of time to have my much wanted 3rd child.

I believed the crap that your 20s is for partying and travelling and building your career and having fun - but having fun for me was none of those things, it was having my children. My children have brought far more joy to my life than any partying or travelling. Everyone is different, and I hope she is doing what makes her happy, in which case, be happy for her.
And having children affects your career whatever age you do it at. In fact, I sometimes think having children before you start your career probably affects it less than having children in the middle, which is what most people do.

I am so worried she is throwing her life away,
I absolutely hate this expression when a parent says it about their child, especially when it is around marriage, babies and uni.
They are not ' throwing their lives away', they are just taking a different route to the one they originally planned, or the ones parents ( usually mums) want them to do.

Actually your dd sounds like she has her head screwed in and is in great position. She has a lot going for her.

I work with many professional women across different departments who are in their early to mid 30s with children in secondary school. Some, like your dd got their degree and settled down quick, some did their degree while their children were babies and toddlers, all are doing well, with nice partners, homes and children.

You're entitled to feel as you do, but honestly I'd be happy if my daughter (or son) gets happily settled with a partner who is going to look after them and the baby. No reason she can't do teacher training later-it'll maybe be an advantage she'll understand the parents perspective, and from a career view, she won't need to worry about taking maternity leave etc.
Biologically, it's better to have kids before 25 (a gynae told me) and it's more likely that grandparents will be younger/healthier and able to support.

Your daughter is happily married, pregnant with her first child, and has earned a degree. What exactly is there to be devastated about? I'd be thrilled. Why is establishing a 'career ' some kind of sacred thing?

From this description, it all sounds wonderful. She can step back into her career plans once the baby goes to nursery.
I am shocked by the few posters who have said "do you know why she is keeping it?" She's a married woman, with a hard-working, loving husband, a degree, responsible, not a 15 year old! (And I say this as someone who, for various reasons, didn't have my first child until 40).

Of course it won't hold her back. I completed a masters with a 1 year old while pregnant with baby number 2. I then went back to work on a higher salary because I was able to use my new qualification to obtain a better job where I worked. We don't keel over and die because we have a couple of kids. People have children every day and manage.

What a negative Nancy you are. What a leap to say her degree was pointless!
This couple kept their relationship alive through university and somehow still managed to save up. They're living where they grew up and therefore have a network of family and friends on their doorstep. There's no reason she can't do her teacher training in a year or so.

We waited until 29 after one year of marriage. What followed was years of infertility and rising anxiety. I would not have worried at all if DS and GF were in this situation when they graduated after what happened to us.

It will be useful being a teacher during school holidays as your DD will more or less be on holiday whenever your DGC Her husband will be likely to make some of their furniture. I am sure with help from your side of the family and in-laws they will be fine. Your daughter and her husband are not teenagers .Wishing all of your family All the best.

Your daughter was me 58 years ago, OP, and my DH was actually slightly younger than me. This year we celebrated our 58th wedding anniversary, have 2 children in their 50s and 3 grandchildren in their 20s and wouldn't change a thing. Yes, it wasn't easy and we had to work very hard, but neither DH or I regret that early marriage or unplanned pregnancy. Being young parents and grandparents suited us and we both had good careers eventually.

She sounds like she has positioned herself for a career whenever she decides to pursue it.
Consider if she established herself over years with no children and then had to decide to leave / pull back or try and work full time in a teaching job whilst looking after a small baby - often you have to drop income when returning and there's no good time to do that.
This way she will start by building it around the child or even children and she will still be young enough to build that career and it will only get easier.

The only grandparent we have isn't very interested and has never even changed a nappy. Are you taking on grandchildren? We've got two lovely ones who would love to be spoiled by someone who is interested in them 😂

Your dd is married her husband has a good job. She has a degree under her belt. If they already had a house it would be more ideal but you say she has enough deposit. They will be fine. Congratulations to you all.

Why on earth would it set her career back several years?! Presumably she'll take a year or 2 and then go on to training. Plenty of women work with kids, it's not the 1940s.

Teaching is one of the best careers to have children as you'll be off in the school holidays and can usually get term time only childcare arrangements.
And if he's self-employed then he'll be able to have lots of flexibility in his working hours too.

£35k where you live if a house is £150 is a brilliant salary. And he can always go more on the side if they need more.

Honestly it sounds like you’ve set them up for a lovely life 🥰

and you get to be a (presumably) young Granny 👵. That just sounds fantastic. My dd is 28 and probably not going to have children and I would love to be a granny so I’m dead envious. I can make shortbread and tablet !

This could work in her favour OP. In a year or so time she can get back on teacher training and have a fantastic career which won't later be interrupted. Quite a few teachers I know completed degrees and then had kids either just before or just after teacher training.
Now in their 30s when everyone else is going off to have babies they are able to snatch up all sorts of opportunities.

She's married to someone she's been with quite a long time and they've kept the relationship going while she was went to university, and he's got himself a reliable job. That's not easy. Most relationships end in the first year or university.

I know you might quietly be upset and have wanted a different order of things, but don't let them know. Please be happy and supportive or you could lose her forever. Another positive is you get to be a grandmother while still young and fit and will get to know your grandchild for longer than you otherwise would - time is precious and you've gained 10 extra years with your grandchildren!

It's not ideal but try to be proud of her for making a mature decision. The first year is hard and she may be struggling with having to delay her career so she will need your help these early years.