AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

Why aren't you excited to meet your grandchild?

I can understand your sadness.

In your shoes, I'd sit them both down and ask for their plans about housing. I'd have done this before they got married, tbh, but that ship has sailed

Your daughter would be very wise to stick to her plans to start teacher training and to put the baby in childcare or see if the husband's parents can babysit. She might be able to take a leave of absence from her course, but she should aim to return asap.

@Postmanpatri honestly they sound like a really mature couple with real commitment to their plans.
No point in starting teacher training this year but at her age deferring for a year or two will not be a big deal. Private music teaching pays well and is easy to fit around a baby if DH/family can take over as it's generally evenings/weekends. I did it for years very successfully.
And if she opts for primary teaching the world will be her oyster as a musician!
I'd view this as a slight deviation from the intended path and nothing to be devastated about. They sound really impressive tbh.

Its perfectly fine to call this situation "unplanned".

I'm with you, I'd be devastated too. She's still living you, and in a relationship with a nice guy, but their both young, haven't experienced much real life yet, so relationship might not last. This is probably wrong decision...hope it end up well.

The Importance of Grannies
They teach us so much

The quiet wisdom of the years,
  old wives’ tales whispered
  over cups of tea,
  recipes measured by hand,
  remedies brewed from faith and wild herbs.

They show us strength,
  resilience in every wrinkle,
  endurance stitched into every story,
  stamina in the way they rise
  and carry on,
  no matter what life brings.

They teach us how to make ends meet,
  how to mend what’s broken,
  how to turn little into enough.

They love us, fiercely, softly,
  holding us when the world feels cruel,
  scolding us when we stray,
  challenging us
  to make good choices,
  to walk proud,
  to remember where we come from.

Because grannies
  they are the roots beneath us,
  the heart of the home,
  the keepers of all that matters.

Congratulations granny @Postmanpatri 💐

Whatever else you, or rather dd, do see if she can defer her place for a year. That means she hasn’t lost the place, she can decide next August what she wants to do.

Yes everyone thinks you only work 9 / 3 and look at all those holidays 🙄

Her teacher training will wait. The timing, in my opinion, is perfect, as it means she can have the latter half of her pregnancy free, and 6 months with baby if she defers her training a year until next September. She may of course decide to take more time at home, which is also fine. We don't always plan for these things, but once they happen, we have to make the most of them. There's no point in wasting time and energy feeling devastated.

There are plus points to having kids young, too. She will still be young when s/he starts school, which would fit well around her chosen career as a teacher!

You've interpreted those stats wrong.

It's not for every 100 pregnancies 1 was conceived due to contraceptive failure.

Taking the condoms for example:

Its for every 200 times people shag using a condom correctly 3 pregnancies will occur.

The reality is alot of people don't use them correctly so failures happen more often than the 3 in 200.

Those are very different stats to your interpretation.

And, it's entirely plausible that the pregnancy wasn't "planned" but they were negligent with their contraception which increased the odds.

I just want to say OP that I married my high school sweetheart and unexpectedly fell pregnant a year after graduating uni (as also living at home! We moved out soon after having the baby). 15 years later DH and I are happier than ever, own our own home, both have successful high paying careers and 2 happy and healthy children. We have absolutely no regrets, it’s actually worked out really well and we have so much more to look forward to as we enter our 40s. If they’re a strong couple and hard working they’ll make it work. I found getting pregnant really motivated me, I was back at uni for my masters when pregnant with my second. There’s something to be said for being in your 20s and full of energy! The thought of it all exhausts me now ha. Just to give you some positivity. Living in an affordable area really changes things I think, it’s why we weren’t held back too much.

MeetMeOnTheCorner
This is the thing, none of my nieces friends are struggling, they’re all flourishing. They all have supportive parents young enough to help with childcare whilst they return to education or get their careers off the ground.

For a start her husband isn't a boy.
And devastation is for when the worst happens not for when a precious baby comes into a loving family.
She's young enough to have the baby, become a family and still have a good career -if that's what she chooses.
It's not your choice or life but it's your daughters choice so if i were you i would make the best of it and welcome your precious grandchild when it arrives.

21 is very young these days and they are not very mature in my view. They could have waited and certainly done more effective birth control. Yes, it’s too early and a bit sad. She will find it much much harder to study with dc and certainly working as a teacher too. Why did they not work and set themselves up like everyone else?

I’m finding this is increasingly common. My friends daughter was pregnant at 18, baby at 19, married at 23. They are very middle class, mumsnet would love them 🤣 detached 4 bed house in a very desirable south London area, professional mum and dad. My niece has lots of friends who have chosen to ‘have babies and get married in their early 20’s. Those of us in our late 40s and older, the ‘have it all’ generation find these young ones putting family first a strange concept. They’re having children in their prime, their children will be grown up before they’re in middle age.

I can understand why it doesn't seem like the best timing OP.

But it's also not the worst. She's finished uni, her husband is working.

I got married and had kids in my 20s. Then built my professional career later, when the kids were at school.

I don't have any regrets about doing it this way round. It worked well for us to have them then. Had lots of energy for the toddler years and then freedom in our 40s!

She has a degree. She has a partner in work.
It could be so much worse. What is guaranteed to make things worse is if you express jf you express one ounce of disappointment that your expectations are not being met. They need positive support. Good luck to them.

Her husband is a grown man, not a boy. They're adults, not teenagers. If they're happy, then that's the most important thing. They sound very sensible.

That's very good money at his age, and in a few years, if he wants to, he can set up on his own and make more money that way. I'd be thrilled if my daughter married a joiner - especially in the age of high unemployment and AI.

"she was anorexic as a teenager and her cycle has never been regular since"
Between this and the fact her husband is a lovely boy, id be genuinely delighted for her!

Im sure she worried about her fertility.

Congratulations!

She sounds brilliant @Postmanpatri and you should be very proud of her, and her DH.

They can almost afford their own house, are in a stable relationship, support you, and in a few months will have a beautiful baby. Moreover, she knows what she wants to do career wise and can fall back on private teaching instruments while tiddler is small. I mean. She has her life pretty well sorted by most people's standards.

Count blessings, rather than potential losses. Life is too short to worry about the what ifs. And most importantly enjoy your new grand-baby. How incredibly special is that?

OP it may seem a bit young but she’s married and past uni. Joinery is a good solid career. She will be just fine. Try to feel lucky you’ll be a young granny. I had my kids quite late so if they don’t have kids in their 20s I will be pretty old which does make me sad (not that I’ll ever let on to them that I feel that way)

On what money?