AIBU for feeling devastated about my graduate daughter's pregnancy?

AHH so it's pure resentment and jealousy then.

I was in a similar role to
your daughter. Never had kids kept putting it off, dated arseholes and so no kids, no marriage.
My sister did it the other way round. Met someone at 18, married at 21, baby at 22, next time at 24. Then she rebooted her career, studied, her job actually benefitted from her mum experiences.
Her kids are 32 and 30 now and are fabulous. She’s still really happily married and her and DH have a lovely life. Lots of freedom, both sets of parents got to enjoy being quite young grandparents, too. She’s done really well in her career.
I have a few friends who had kids at 40 and over. They were all delighted to do so but now we are getting close to 60, I can see how tough it is. Looking after elderly parents, demanding teens, feeling on the back foot at work. Every one has said to me… love my kids, but wish I had given birth in my early 20’s.
Teaching is a career she can access as soon as she’s ready. She sounds very bright.
My late mum wanted us both to have careers and not have our children in our 20’s. I felt some pressure there. I had a conversation with my mum when she was really ill and she deeply regretted saying it, as I took it to heart.
Your daughter still has her degree and when she’s ready, she will go again.
You are going to love being a grandma.
Try not to worry. As long as everyone is happy and healthy, the future will be a bright one.

I am so ridiculously jealous of you. You are about to get a grandchild, whilst you are young. Your daughter is in a stable relationship, has got her degree under her belt . Her husband has an ai proof career and seems like a good partner/ childhood sweetheart.)
The timing is not perfect for her (career wise) but she has made her choice and obviously wants this.
My daughter has informed me she is never having children. I believe her. It’s her choice, but I would dearly love Grandchildren at some point.

It will be wonderful. Try to be happy for her. Children are wonderful

Meh I’m one of them real pieces of shit who had their first kid at 16, never even started uni let alone finished it. Ops kid will be fine not everyone wants to spend 22-27 posting a yearly photo of a margarita on the beach to instagram before having kids at the acceptable age of 28.
Not everyone likes partying i might get accused of “coping with my sad life” here but I for one hate the feeling of being drunk

I don’t agree with your assertion that aspiring to be a mother is a small life and I sure as fuck don’t think doing so makes them a bad parent. I think maybe you’re a little bit chippy from your own background from what you’ve said, different people can want different things, and that’s ok.

Not wanting a high flying career doesn’t make that person or their life small. I personally admire people who know what they want from life and make that their reality, rather than doing what they think others think they should do.

I understand OP and I’d feel the same. She is limiting her life at a very young age and doesn’t have the life experience to see that. However, there is nothing you can do now but be supportive.

As always on here you’ll get loads of people telling you it’s completely fine and that they or someone they know had kids young and are now high fliers. Meanwhile in the real world…

I see where you’re coming from OP. She’s young with lots of life to live but honestly she’s in a great position to be a mum plus you’ll have a grandchild whilst you’re young. Best wishes

Oh interesting - so AN aspiration, not THE aspiration?

You seem to be agreeing that's one of many things one might wish for?

Anyone who limits their dreams is certainly making their life many many times smaller than it needs to be. Do those people make good parents? I'm not sure.....you don't seem either, acknowledging as you do that it's simply one thing amongst many to aim for.....

I'm the first person in my family to make it past year nine. They could not continue past that point; they had to work full-time. From 14.

How deeply embarrassing for you to have assumed otherwise.

You support all their decisions! Simply. Stop living through your child it's her life and it will go the best way possible. Degrees don't disappear and a husband who is a joiner at 21 that is a great job give him more credit. Another 10 years you'll be on here gloating about their great house and 2 grandchildren and how he has his own business.

Don't dismiss the supermarket job. DH's cousin's DS worked weekends in a supermarket as a student. After graduation he continued to work there full-time and worked his way up to assistant manager level. He recently asked for a transfer closer to family and they offered him the job of manager of a brand new store.

I think having a child at her age will probably derail her career less than if she were older. I know three mums that had kids at 17. All of them are still with the original partner and doing exceptionally well. Because she is so young and will get a ton of support.

I’d love this for my kids, OP. They sound absolutely delightful to be around and like they work really well as a couple. Having had my own kids at 30+ I’m tired now and wish I’d had them younger.

OP - The only thing you can do right now is be supportive of your daughter. She’s nearly 22 and just graduated… not 16 and sitting her GCSEs.
You also have a patronising attitude which I don’t like. ‘Lovely boy’ - your son in law is 22. Also - joiners can earn a lot of money - yes you got to put in the hours but you’ll reap the rewards.

OP it’s not the end of the world. My niece had her first at nineteen (unplanned), her second at 22 (planned) and has achieved a huge amount in her career. She’s had several promotions, got qualifications through her job, speaks three languages. You don’t lose your ambition through becoming a mother.

This! I started my career at 28, I’m now 30, I aren’t even married or have children yet! It’s so young and I think she’s done it right. This is not a waste. I’d have loved to have been married with a baby to a lovely man at that age.

It sounds fine OP. Two young adults having a baby. Nothing awful.

I think you need to get a grip. I’m 38. My child I had at 21 is 16. I am still happily married to my husband (went on to have two more by 26).

I have a degree. All mine are now at secondary at 38 I have loads of time to dedicate to my career even further.

I understand disappointment to a degree but devastated? pathetic. A cancer diagnosis at 21 is devastating by the way.

You would be making a huge difference. It should be more highly paid and the work made stable. Good luck. X

My wife and I met at school,we were married at 20 and my wife became pregnant almost immediately,after the initial shock we got together and panned our way forward.We both worked hard ,had another child ,then I worked during the day and in the evening I did the childcare while my wife did an accountancy degree,it took a few years because she was doing it part time,but now she has a great job and we have a great family.Your DD sounds very sensible ,her partner sounds hardworking and it sounds like they are in love.If it was my DD I would be happy for them and looking forward to becoming a grandparent.

This was exactly what happened to me at the same age and it all worked out fine. First DC was born 3 months after I graduated and I had another DC a year later and bought a house the year after that. I then started my teacher training when they were at school and I was still in my 20s. She’ll be fine.

@Postmanpatri try and look at the positives here. A baby is a blessing and even more so because they are married and both committed to planning for their future careers. Don’t worry about her joiner husband as that is a solid job and won’t be taken away by AI.
your daughter can go and do her teacher training and that could work perfectly with the child is of school age if she is already employed as a teacher - she can get the holidays off etc.

At the end of the day if they are thrilled by their news and seeing as they are both adults I would try and shrug off any devastating feelings OP and embrace the new journey as a grand parent.

I also wouldn’t get to hung up on not owning a house yet. They can rent, they have plenty of time to buy a home. We didn’t get our ‘forever home’ until we we were 30s and kids were primary school age, as we had ours younger we’ve been able to take out a longer term mortgage because we will be done with active parenting by mid 40s but earning well with no more planned interruptions, plenty of time to overpay on the mortgage to get it paid off by a more reasonable age (mortgage is currently until 68, but would like to have it done by about 55 really).

Honestly Op, I don’t know what you are devastated about .
She is married , has a good degree , worked while studying , has a hardworking lovely husband . They are looking to buy their own home and so will not be relying on you to sub them and their child
What is the problem?

Why would anyone assume OP would be babysitting everyday? When I had a baby at a young age I had to pay for all childcare because my parents were still working full time as would be common among many younger grandparents.