9 year old can’t come to play until he’s done the housework

My dc had age appropriate tasks and always had to tidy their rooms. I was however, flexible on when they had to do them.
If they were due to start a chore and they were asked to play I'd let them go, on the proviso that they finished the task/did another when they came back.
Life is too short to miss out on fun and they are only young for a short time. Socialising when young is as important as chores imo.
Now they are fully functioning adults with their own homes.
If I'd started a task that could be left until later and a friend invited me out I'd be downing tools to go out too.

Primary school was great fun. Don't tell me you wouldn't jump at the chance to hang out with your friends whilst learning for a week.

I want to have some fun and downtime too, and I haven't been playing with my mates all week.

I mean, my son is three, so he just understands helping lay the table, vacuuming and putting things he's stained in the wash, but if everyone pitches in, everyone gets to play faster.

You seem to think it’s cruel and its not down time from school.

Do it right and it’s quality family time. You can get good conversation while doing housework together. Key bit there being together.

His parents sound very sensible.

When I was 9, I would wash up after dinner, fold laundry, empty the bins, vacuum and help rake the leaves in the garden, as well as tidy my room and put all my own laundry away. That was all unsupervised too.

I think it’s important that everyone helps to clean and tidy, even toddlers. Saturday morning was our set time for doing a lot of housework and everyone had to help.

I don’t personally do this but I don’t think it’s a wrong thing to do, have times when all the family cleans the house together.

Mind do have chores but they aren’t hugely time sensitive, as in we don’t all have to be doing them at once.

It's hard to know who (if anyone) IBU without more details about what exactly the kid is expected to do. However I have an 8 year old who, god love her, takes the absolute piss with these kinds of things. Homework doesn't get done, toys don't get tidied up, unless I set really firm boundaries. With this type of child sometimes the consequences of not doing what they're asked when they're asked is the only thing they'll actually understand. I'd guess there's every chance that this kid was repeatedly encouraged to get the heck on and do his chores before his friends called round and he failed to listen....

I'm curious OP if kids aren't held to some sort of standard and expected to take responsibility for themselves and the world around them how do you think they learn this? Childhood should absolutely be protected and nurtured but this doesn't mean children should never have to work hard for something or be held accountible for their actions.

Ive 5 children
Dd12 and dd10 alternate the bathroom & kitchen dishes on a evening.
Dd7 clears the hallway and living room before bed
Ds6 hoovers hallway and living room before going upstairs
Ds1 is learning how to help put his toys away.
Dd12&dd10 are only allowed to go out together if beds are made and rooms are tidy and back by 7pm
Ds6&dd7 are not allowed to play out.

Absolutely. The Mumsnet mindset that if you have your kids (in particular boys) doing chores from an early age they will continue to do so in adulthood for their partner I find baffling. My dh didn’t have to do housework/chores as a kid but he was raised as a decent human being and as such is a fabulous husband and father who works incredibly hard to provide for his family. We share all household tasks because I didn’t marry a loser who will sit on his arse watching me do the chores. Nothing is too much trouble for him. Housework is never ending really but new appliances are always being made to make life easier and I know when my kids are grown there will be new products available that they will be able to use that Im sure I will find baffling.

I started properly when DS started reception. Start with little things and build up. Pack away toys, dust shelves in his room (there were 2), vacuumed the rug in his room, make his bed (basically means pulling up the quilt) were the 'chores' he started with aged 4-5. He still had a childhood.

sure, and they can have it. After they’ve emptied the dishwasher and hung out some washing on the rack. Mine is 8 and I ask him to do these things on the weekend.

Don’t see anything wrong with kids helping. In nursery they are expected to help tidy the toys away and are very capable even at 2/3/4.

Im 47. At that age we had to keep our rooms tidy and help out so maybe do the polishing or hoovering or something. We also washed and dried the pots after meals.

As a teen if i wanted to go out i had to do my bit in the house beforehand. We all
mucked in. I was a very self sufficent teen by the time i was 16 and in college/doing apprenticeship.

Start them young and it is just part of normal household life.

Wait until they are teens and 'capable' and the best of luck to you trying to persuade teenagers to do something that you have been doing for them up until now. If you could do it before, they will say, why shouldn't you carry on?

But if they've been doing it since they were physically able they are less likely to stomp and swear and refuse.

I completely agree @Dontlletmedownbruce, it's about much more than simply learning how to perform certain tasks.

Usually on these threads there are two camps, one extreme is that kids job is to relax and play, free from the stress of life, and enjoy themselves as much as possible. And the adults should do all the jobs in the house, sometimes including waiting on the children. Then the kids will just learn everything when they move out.
The other extreme is that kids are part of the family and should take on both the rewards and the grunt work, and they should have exactly the same hassle as everyone else.
I'm definitely more in the latter camp, the kids should do age appropriate family chores ad hoc and as much age appropriate of their own personal chores as possible as an expectation.
Our 3 and 6 year olds set and clear the table, put their own washing away (less about folding it though), tidy their own spaces (sometimes) and join in with shopping and "gardening" as well.
A lot of the time it's harder work to teach them than just do it myself, but it's part of their education and maybe even an investment!

A lot depends on the type of kids you have though, some are easier to get involved than others

I don't think its just about learning how to be an adult. There are many skills we can pick up when we need them even if unprepared. For me the most important elements are two fold, if a kid is doing a job then I am not. It not only reduces the workload but also shows them what I do. If they complain they hate a job or it takes too long, I'll say I agree with you, that's why it's so important to help me because I don't like it either and you understand it takes me a long time too. I hope if nothing else it will make them appreciate what I do. The second element is feeling useful and having a purpose. Children and especially teens often act out because they don't have a role in society. Even a simple thing like being responsible for something can really boost their self esteem and help them feel like they are more valued in the world.

I think it is good that children have a chore or two from about 6 or 7. Things like dusting, unloading the dishwasher, laying the table etc reinforce that they are part of a unit and that everyone pulls their weight not just mum. At 9 my chores would have included peeling the potatoes for dinner, dusting the dining room whilst dad hoovered, washing or drying up after dinner. My 7 year old brother would do the washing up with me, and dust the sitting room with dad and lay the table for dinner. None of it took that long.

I don’t think any age is too young. Even toddlers can help load and unload laundry and dust on low surfaces. The earlier everyone has expectations in the house the easier it is to introduce responsibility. And it can be introduced as a fun way to help mummy and daddy, it doesn’t prevent kids from becoming kids.

The main role of a parent is to turn out functioning adults and it sounds like they are well on their way!

Nope, very few of those things because he doesn’t need to be able to do them YET. He will make himself basic meals if he wants to but he doesn’t know how to operate the dishwasher or washing machine. I will teach him what he needs to know before he leaves for Uni if he hasn’t asked to learn before then.

FYI, we have two much older lads (& grandkids aged 1 - 12) and they are extremely capable adults who are very hands on with their own kids as well as good cooks etc. Chores seem to be split 50/50 in both households. One DIL is definitely a bit of a task master with oldest DGS so I let him chill when he visits us. 😂

There’s absolutely no need to make children do boring household tasks at a young age. It often breeds resentment and it definitely won’t make them superior partners, despite what you might think.

Can you send him round to mine?

I’m behind this 100%. His parents are preparing him for adulthood and ensuring he’ll pull his weight in any future relationships.

Yes, they should be doing this much earlier-even in children's books like the Faraway Tree, the kids know they don't go out until they've helped their parents. Any kids who don't do this tend to have an entitled attitude-one charmer came round, didn't clear up her plate or say please and thank you, and when the other kids, mine, and all the rest, were wiping the table after painting, she stood there like a little princess who expects a maid to do it! Apparently she is the same at school when the teacher tells her to do stuff.

Chores don't stop kids from being kids. You should have started teaching her at an earlier age and it just becomes part of normal life, children do their chores without complaint as they accept and understand it's what's required of members of the household, everyone has to chip in.

Assuming he’s not up sweeping chimneys or down the pit, I think this is great! He’s learning that everyone is responsible for taking care of the home they live in, and he stands a much better chance of not being one of the so-called male loneliness epidemic statistics we hear about!