9 year old can’t come to play until he’s done the housework

Pathetic.

You should start getting them to help with chores from young, age appropriate chores of course then increase responsibility as they get older.

At 9 my daughter was emptying the dishwasher every morning so it was ready for the day and sorting the laundry into white, coloured and darks on Saturdays etc. she was soon after that folding and putting away her clothes after they were washed and dried.

Of course there are days she will skip or miss the chores but the important thing is she learned and her responsibilities increased as she got older. She still had enough time to play and study etc and "be kids". It's not like he's scrubbing floors all day like the Victorian age, and cleaning chimneys at night.

You labelling it as sad makes no sense, it's fine if you don't want your daughter to do chores at her age that's your perogative.

Frankly I would rather his parents thought him to do chores instead of raise a lazy man who expects his wife or partner to do everything while he practices weaponized incompetence.

And I see many mothers think by doing everything that makes them great mothers, no it's just taking the easy way out and pushing a problem to the future or for someone who else to deal with, usually another woman in the form of the wife or partner in the future.

From aged 7, I was cooking, cleaning, shopping and taming care of my siblings. Taught me vakuable lufe skills.

From on the moment mine could walk they did age appropriate chores - such as putting their clothes in the washing basket and carrying their plastic plate or bowl to the kitchen after tea. as they got older obviously increased to harder things but I wanted mine to grow up learning and believing that we are a family and we help each other. Mum does not equal personal slave.

if mine were in the middle of doing homework from school or a chore such as unloading the dishwasher or whatever was their turn and a friend knocked for them to play , I would tell them once it is completed to usual standard (ie not hurried through and done half heartedly) they can go out. Would tell friend they will be out in about 10 mins etc (or however long task would take)

so important that kids learn to complete tasks and to contribute in their own little way around the house . Not saying they have a list of 20 things to do before breakfast or bring put to work with endlessly scrubbing and ironing and cleaning but learning to contribute to family life by putting away their washing or unloading the dishwasher etc is not taking up much of their time but teaching them a lot about living together, helping each other out and the reality that life isn’t all one big game. Biting stuff has to be done!

doing the drying up or helping to pair the socks may be dull but will not kill them!

My three year old loves helping to clean including the windows etc. it’s part of being part of the household, we all do things that we can see need doing so we can live in a nice place

All the adults I know with mental health issues are the ones who are struggling with the basic life admin, self care and regulation that wasn't expected of them by their parents.

At 9, he’s very much a child, with many years of boring adulthood ahead of him. Let children be children. Age appropriate chores should come after play.

When I'm anxious I get on with cleaning as well but that's my problem- I wouldn't talk about it with my children nor expect them to do anything. Sorry for your experience.

Another time when I was a teenager, my mum was talking loudly about what housework needed to be done (she could never relax in the summer holidays, she always had to be busy) while I was trying to enjoy a lie-in. I got the hoover out, and started using it, in my pyjamas. Far from being grateful, she wailed “that’s a horrible way of reacting!”

I remember a time I couldn’t say hello to guests when they arrived, because I was standing in the corner (for something that wasn’t my fault). I had been taught that it was rude not to say hello to guests. That injustice still rankles to this day.

I don’t believe it is irrelevant, just stating my experience, but thankyou for your kind words anyway

Thankyou

All these lovely words from posters mean a lot to me, they really do 💐💐

I read your post and Im sorry this happened to you

You're talking about abuse and with respect this is nothing to do with what OP seems to have observed about her child's friend and what the posters on here are talking about and what is good parenting for children so is somewhat irrelevant to this thread.

In my case it’s true though.

I’ve posted about how abusive my mother was, making me do absolutely everything in the house from the age of 8, not being allowed to eat my favourite meals, making me watch everyone else eat. Not being allowed to stop til everything was done, if she was feeling more generous I could eat a reheated portion, but more usually just being allowed to make poached egg on toast.

I didn’t do much housework when I finally moved out, though I’ve got better at doing it since. I still leave things for another day sometimes though, just because I can, and no-one minds.

I brought my own DDs up doing little age appropriate chores, starting from little things like tidying up their toys, to washing up to hoovering, dusting etc. I certainly didn’t treat them like my mother treated me.

Thankyou,

After a lot of therapy over the years I’ve learned to deal with it, though she has been abusive in other ways too. I have nothing to do with her now, and the day I hear she’s died, I’m having a massive party, though I’m taking someone who remembers everything to come to the rest home to make sure she’s really gone!

Thankyou,

It was an awful childhood, I was always so happy to escape to school so I could get away from her. Of course now she’s rewritten history and I didn’t have to do all this, and used to hide in the bathroom whenever work had to be done. She said my brother did his fair share too.

Except he didn’t, he was, and still is at the age of 60, the golden child. I have nothing to do with either of them.

I did loads of chores as a kid, hence my kids don't do much. But they all seem very nice.

You'd be horrified here, 10 year old DS has to do washing up. Everyone else can be sat down chilling.

Same with 18 and 16 year olds at his age. Both are now responsible young men who appreciate the work ethic and can actually see when jobs need to be done.

Everyone is responsible for our home being nice.

I believe in kids accepting responsibility for their environment from a very young age, so that it becomes second nature to look after themselves and their surroundings. The younger they start, the easier it is for them, and we've all seen extremely young children mimic their parents' (usually Mum's) chores with dusting etc. I particularly agree with the Japanese habit of the schoolchildren cleaning and tidying their school and preparing and cleaning away their lunches. It gives them a sense of pride in their abilities and care for their immediate social circle. Adults are primed to love babies and young animals but that shouldn't mean we carry on babying them after they're toddlers.

So what's the difference?

Everyone’s kids and family set ups are different. However I’ve found that if we start them young and do little and often, chores are just seen as things that need to be done, like brushing our teeth. We all pitch in and it gets done faster. My kids really rose to it and felt really good about themselves taking on some little responsibilities.
BUT as this is MN, I must caveat this with this being MY kids and MY experience and what works for us, I’m not saying that everyone should do this!

@likelysuspect - I wasn't denying anything just sharing my experience which I am entitled to do.

Agree, it’s not a matter of them helping with housework OR playing. They can do both.

Oh yes, this old chestnut, that so many posters on here seem to have examples of how a child being brought up in x style, means they're the complete opposite when adults

The exception proves the rule. We know that children generally grow up with habits and behaviours that are formed out of the behaviours and role modelling they saw and experienced as children. Why people try to deny this I do not know.

It doesn't sound sad to me - surely there are lots of times when if one child calls unexpectedly for the other they aren't available to drop everything and come out?

My DS has a similar arrangement with some of our neighbours but if it is a "call for" speculative situation rather than an arranged meet-up then he or they might be out, hosting other people, having protected family time, doing chores or homework before being on "free time", in the bath, eating, in the middle of doing something else that they want to finish - or even just not feel like socialising with that particular friend right then. That's not sad, that's just having a normal, full life.