To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

I have a lot of sympathy, my 8 yr old when escalated can lash out, however he's almost 5 foot and if he hit a smaller girl I'd be down on him like a ton of bricks and he's ASD and ADHD. Also I can see when he's getting worked up like you could with your ss. The problem isn't your ss it's you and your dh lack of supervision when you know he needs more supervision.

So what you should have done so stop feeding the baby briefly or hand to your dh or sister to continue. Approach your ss, say, I see you're struggling, let's get some quiet time, pop up to your room to draw in peace. Then you or your sister actively get between the 2 kids and stop the 10 yr old from following him.

The problem in this entire scenario is passive parenting

No love, we dont 'disagree'. I dont disagree when someone is fundamentally incorrect.

And you continue to lash out and now try to make out that im in the wrong. And not only continue to try to abuse me, but double down on it. And try make me feel small.
Sigh. So predictable. Its a pattern.
And i see it. I see you.

Because you cant help showing it
Over and over.

Anyway I have better things to do than argue with the passive aggressive so I'm going to take the SS's initiative and walk away.

We shall see if you have as much in common with the niece as it seems.

Look, we clearly disagree and that's fine. However, you're apparently the type to make snide personal attacks on people when they don't agree with you ("shame on you"/"it's very clear what you are" etc).

If you're going to do that and then get butthurt when somebody tells you to wind your neck in you're going to look like a bit of a numpty.

What's the phrase for that on here? DARVO?

Either way it only works when people give a shit about your perceived offence.

It's interesting that you describe yourself as a normal, responsible adult when your posts on this thread show you've got a hair trigger response to any perceived disagreement and leap straight to insults and verbal aggression.

Either he can control his impulses and isn't a danger in which case he should be in trouble for hitting a much younger child. Or

He can't manage his impulses hence the hitting and requires understanding but then it's on you that he was allowed to escalate to that point and in that situation and also he shouldn't be around your much younger children

You wouldn't be able to hit someone for following you or calling you a crybaby. I work in criminal justice that is not reasonable force. It's also not self defence because she hadn't intimated she would assault him, she hadn't threatened him, he wasn't fearful that she would and frankly she's a 10 year old child. The fact that she's under 13 would be an aggravating factor against him if it were to go to court. Not that it would.

Yes all this. Your sister views him as a risk because he is a risk.
Unrelated males also pose a higher risk. Your sister is not being unreasonable. There are awful reasons behind why he has anger issues, but the end result is that he is a risk.

She wasn’t equally in the wrong. He lost all moral high ground and the right to an apology as soon as he raised his hand to her.

I have an almost 15 year old boy. I also have a 17 year old DD who is an extremely annoying big sister who drives her younger brother mad with annoying shit. I would be beyond angry if he ever dared to hit her. There’s no excuse for violence, ever. Particularly when it is a boy hitting a girl. Boys need to know that it is never ok. Otherwise they turn into men who think it’s fine to hit women and there are far too many of them in this world.

Im not a victim love.

But its very clear what you are.

I take accountability for my behaviour when it crosses the line even though its due to my trauma.

I'm guessing you're not a child though?

He absolutely shouldn't have hit her, regardless of how wound up he was. But I don't understand how your sister can completely ignore what happened immediately beforehand. A 10-year-old repeatedly demanding to see something after being told no, taking his sketchbook, following him when he'd walked away and then taunting him is not exactly innocent behaviour. You were also repeatedly telling her to leave him alone.
Calling him a ‘violent man’, threatening police/social services and saying he should be in care after one incident sounds hugely disproportionate, especially given his history and the fact he's already getting support. He needs to take responsibility for hitting her, but she's also old enough to learn that deliberately provoking someone and ignoring their boundaries has consequences. Both children need to be spoken to, not one child being painted as the sole villain.

Don't know when to stop? 🤣 I've only addressed you twice. Stop being such a victim. Nobody cares if you've got a mardy on.

Don't disagree with this. It's partly why I'm working so hard to help my son with his anger (he's younger). There will be worse situations and unpredictable people out there.

No, @Hoardasurass said ‘he really could have killed her’ and then went on to explain that this was because males punch harder and females skulls fracture more easily.

I am simply saying that he neither punched her nor hit her in the head so it’s unlikely that he ‘really could have killed her’ . Especially as what he actually did was shove/hit her in the shoulder.

Niece sounds awful. He was working hard on a drawing and she ruined it deliberately. He walked away exercising self restraint, which is a difficult thing to do. She followed him and made fun of his emotions.

Clearly he was completely wrong to hit/shove her but I'd have wanted to do it myself. Obviously I would never.

As someone with ADHD who sometimes struggles with managing emotions and impulsivity, and as someone who draws a lot.... I'm sympathetic.

I also have a son with anger management issues and it's extremely hard.

I can of course understand the mother being upset.

Yes he is a child, yes he is traumatised. But how many of you saying "poor misunderstood lad, neice should have known better" would want him dating their daughter?

Imagine a post on here "my teenage daughter came home from a date upset because the lad got angry at the arcade machines and they had to leave for him to calm down. She's told me he does have anger issues, he spends time out of class because of it and has told her he once hit a 10 year old who called him names. My daughter feels sorry for him because his mum used to hurt him". How many posters would say "tell your daughter to give him a other chance?" Or want their daughters to?

He is going to encounter many scenarios and people who wind him up, that's unavoidable in life. The drunk on the bus, the bully at work, the life and soul of the party who takes the joke too far. He is 15. The reality is he will end up in a lot more trouble than OP's sister being cross with him if he can't cope better than hitting people.

Bet this poor little 15yr old wouldn't have smacked an older boy in the face for "winding him up".

I think he might've. I did as a 9yo girl.

Are you one of those people that leaves their front door unlocked because "nobody should enter my house"?

They both need a bollocking.

However separately, he was TRYING to do the right thing and walk away and that should be acknowledged. Discuss with him what else he could have done, given the adult in the situation didn't step in actively.

She was pursuing and provoking - she needs a chat about fucking around and finding out, you cannot just push people who are trying to walk away, and always expect zero response because you are younger/a girl/whatever.

Regardless of the rights/wrongs, no human is able to totally predict or control any other humans behaviour, only their own - so whilst hitting someone isn't acceptable, provoking someone to the point of them hitting you is also not acceptable.

It is all very well the other person being in trouble for smacking you - but you STILL got smacked, and it still hurt, the fact it was wrong of them and they're in trouble does not take that away - and it could have been avoided by not behaving like a little shit.

My 15 year old has autism and adhd and he would react in a similar way if this happened to him. It sounds to me that they both need more supervision or keeping away from each other.

Of course we only have OP side of the story of how awful the 10yr old behaved and how her poor little SS tried so hard to run away until he was just forced to hit her. I wonder what story her sister would tell. Excusing, minimising and justifying this behaviour is not helping him one bit.
Well not if he wants to become a normal member of society.

There's nothing fair about that. So as long as you don't punch someone in the face, you can hit them all you want?

Clearly both were in the wrong. But you do need to take this more seriously than it sounds like you are. You say he is the same size as her - but males have more muscle mass and thus greater strength. He is much older than her. It is great that he is working on his anger but if this had been an unrelated child you bet the parents would have called the police and he would be in trouble.

You aren't protecting him by sticking up for him with your sister. She clearly needs to tell her child off for being persistently annoying (it is clearly never a good idea to taunt someone who is obviously angry, and it is an important lesson), however you need to look again at what can be done to help him with his temper. Do you think he understands the seriousness of what he has done - not that it was bad, but that it was seriously bad? There are cases all the time of people that hit someone once in anger and it results in serious injury or even death; appreciate that is more punches but if he can't control his anger next time it could be a punch. He needs to know that no matter how angry you are you can never, ever hurt anyone else. He needs better anger management techniques beyond walking away, which is great he is doing but as this case proves it doesn't always work.

Do you think the baby is part of the problem? Many children feel displaced when a new baby comes into the picture. It might be part of his overall anger at the world and his past treatment. If you aren't already i would encourage you and his dad giving home extra attention and love - though as above tied to helping him understand the seriousness of this problem.

Yeah no sorry no excuse. I'd be absolutely fuming if a 15 year old boy hit my 10 year old DD. She wound him up and was being annoying but absolutely no excuse for physical violence. Honestly don't blame your sister one bit.

To be fair though, he didn’t punch her. He didn’t hit her in the face either. He hit/shoved her in the shoulder. It sounds most like he was trying to get her away from him.