To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

If I saw a 15yo turn up to a junior school to thump a Year 5 I would think that was insane. At 15 you know to tell an adult. Are you really saying the only way to keep a sibling safe is to put hands on someone else? What does that teach them?!

The thinking is clearly warped.
Tis to be pitied really.

I was giving both sides . I agreed she should have stopped when op said no

Dn is only 10 she doesn’t know/understand his struggles and won’t necessarily recognise he was getting overwhelmed.

She is old enough to understand 'No' and 'Stop it', that name calling is unkind, and that when someone walks away, they don't want you to follow.

It seems he shoved her shoulder as a last resort when walking away didn't work. What else could he have done to make her leave him alone?

I think it's important to remember that he pushed/shoved her, after a great deal of provocation and no adult intervention which, although not acceptable given age and size difference, is absolutely not the same as punching her in the face. Some posters are using words like 'assaulted', and talking about calling the police or banning this child from being near OP's own children, as if he attacked her and caused actual injury.
Going on the assumption that the niece isn't physically hurt (because I think OP would have included this info if that had been the case), people need to stop equating this with domestically violent adult relationships or their own experiences of child abuse and remember that these are both children - the son as well as the niece. He needs help to manage his past experiences and how he responds to situations. He doesn't need to be treated as if he he's an adult male with a long history of attacking women!

I just wanted to say I think it is awesome you are supporting your ss - you can’t give up on kids and youve made clear he is getting help and taking steps to get himself out of a situation he knows could escalate. Your dn sounds a complete brat. If you sis had so many concerns about him being around then maybe she should have been parenting her own child rather than leaving her with you and (5 was it) children to look after. I can also see you are not saying he shouldn’t have hit and he knows that too. I do perhaps think you could have taken more steps to get you dn away though. Whilst she knew exactly what she was doing and should have stopped when you told her not to, the fact is she didn’t and so you should perhaps have upped the level of interference there.

There is NO reason for a 15 year old boy to hit a 10 year old girl.
You are not getting it. This behaviour is completely unacceptable and you need to remove him.

Imagine him in 10 years time in a relationship. He lashes out because his gf was ‘winding him up’. Come on… STOP minimising this. Stop enabling this. Get a grip and recognise what you are raising - an abuser, now and into the future.

God, I hope my girls are lesbians.

@Anyahyacinth apologies I think I am occasionally confusing your posts with another poster who has a similar writing style and is saying broadly the same things.

I think it was you that said that the behaviours leading up to violence are irrelevant and that is not true at all. They are not considered irrelevant in the legal system or any other formal context.

The behaviour of all parties concerned and the circumstances preceding violence are all important factors when assessing future risk and considering underlying pathology and patterns of behaviour.

Whilst it is true to say that all acts of violence are unacceptable that does not make them all the same. An adult man beating his daughter with dog leads is not the same as a child hitting another child after repeated provocation in a confined space.

The context can help us to assess future risk. In this case the wider context is a child who has only recently been removed from an abusive situation, is having help to manage his difficulties with emotional regulation, is in a loving and supportive home, has a good relationship with his step siblings (and has demonstrated no violence within the home), is managing well at mainstream school with help and has a good group of supportive friends.

There are things that can be excused for sure, but I draw the line at a teenage boy hitting a little girl. We are what we do and the endless excusing of violent behaviour doesn’t wash.

You appear to have grown up in some sort of alternate universe where you think it’s normal/fine to be like this as a teen and grow out of it.

It really isn’t.

What exactly do you mean by he hit her? There is a big difference between a slap on the arm or a punch to the face? Was she hurt? It's hard to gage if DS is over reacting without the specifics.

Oh dear.

People wind other people up all the time. It doesn't mean you are entitled to smack them one.

"It's okay son, she was asking for it", is a messed up message to give.

Making excuses for such retaliation is how abusers are made.

Not to mention, one day he will retaliate against the wrong one, someone who also feels justified to violently retaliate, and end up with his head weaved into the floor.

She should apologise for being rude and damaging his art work. And to her aunt for being rude and ignoring her.
This isn’t an adult who should be able to control his emotions. It’s a child who’s working hard to become a better person having had a shit start to life.

Both of you are right.

you are correct that your ss is a troubled young man working on his issues having been dealt a shit hand in life and that he deserves empathy and compassion.
your Dsis is right to expect her dd not to be physically assaulted by a older child even if said child is a brat. Dn is only 10 she doesn’t know/understand his struggles and won’t necessarily recognise he was getting overwhelmed. He was wrong to hit her.

i would leave the holiday, its not good for your ss to be around people who clearly dislike him and don’t include him in the family.

Maybe for now see your sister separately on your own (or possibly with your younger children) your ss doesn’t need people like that in his life.

I think a lot of kids that aren't abuse survivors would have struggled to walk away in this situation and would've done more than just shove her shoulder. Niece will actually get hit properly if she does this kind of stuff to other girls who haven't been told all their lives that it's wrong to hit females.

And that is disturbing, more than anything in the OP.

No female should be apologising for being hit by a male. You are so wrong.

So you expect an older sibling to stand by and watch their sibling being bullied

Not a problem! I can see how it could be read like that, I should have been clearer.

Ah, it sounded to me as though you were having a dig thinking I had spelled the phrase incorrectly.

I apologise for my snark.

Yes, precisely. A school day for me. Based on pronunciation alone I believed it to be ‘desserts’, and I was wrong.

If not diving particularly deeply into English language idioms makes me dumb then alas, I’m guilty as charged.

Nope. I literally stated this in the comment. And now you look as dumb as a bag of hammers. Yep, every day is a school day - for you :)

https://www.merriam-webster.com/grammar/just-deserts-or-just-desserts

A 15 year old boy shouldn’t be hitting a girl 10 year old girl despite his age and despite whatever she has done to antagonise him. He sounds like he has anger issues and you might need some additional help with him. Fully commend you for taking him on, it must be difficult,