To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

If we saw this 15 year old lad standing next to this 10 year old girl… I think the almost unanimous response would have been one of horror and very much with the sister in her anger

You’re downplaying by saying niece being annoying. For someone who struggles to regulate, being provoked when you’ve tried to deescalate and walk away is not on either. She sounds a brat especially as her Aunt had told her repeatedly to stop. Sorry but this is not violence out of nowhere. That was unequivocally wrong but making niece a victim also misses the context. OP and her DP sound like good parents. Her dSIS using the incident to then say SS not a blood relation tells all need to know that she unlike OP does not view him is family. That comment was appalling.

The 10 year old behaved like a nasty little brat.

Following him taunting asking "are you gonna cry" isnt annoying little sister, its nasty piece of work

I agree with your assessment of the ss

YABU, in no way is it acceptable for a 15 year old boy to hit a ten year old girl, I would have called the police already. Stop dismissing it and trying to make it acceptable as it’s not, yes he may have issues but if he can do that to a young girl your going to have far bigger problems on your hands down the line.

I can’t believe you are minimising a teenage boy hitting a 10 year old girl!

She is a brat, but you and he lost any argument about that as soon as he lashed out.

Your sis is not overreacting. You should take the boy home if his anger is still so out of control. He may have made progress from where he was, but he is still not safe around other children.

I'm an awful parent and person in your book 😆😂. Calm down.

If a wife is being a dick to the husband, and so the husband punches her in the face. Does she still need to apologise for being a bit of a dick?

The 10 year old behaved like an annoying little sister

The 15 year old behaved like a violent brute

The end

You aren’t wrong but where is the sister in all this. I would be very pissed off with my daughter and would absolutely be insisting she apologise for the nasty name calling and also ruining his drawing.

it’s incredibly sad actually for the boy and he is a boy, not a man.

Your SS is a thug. Your niece is a nasty brat.

Both you and your sister need to sort out your respective kids rathrr than pointing fingers

No one is covered in glory here

No one is saying that verbal abuse is ok.

No one is saying the girl’s behaviour is ok. Her behaviour was appalling.

And if the OP was the girl’s Mum I might have some things to say about that.

The OP is parenting the 15 yo boy, and she was also the responsible adult in the room during the incident.

And she really doesn’t appear to be taking it seriously enough.

Sounds like the sister’s also doing a great job of raising her daughter to think she can do what she likes and never has to apologise for anything

Because we’re talking to the OP, not the girl’s mother.

She needs to focus on him. And that means she cannot excuse his violence at all, or this boy will cling to that. It does not matter what that girl did, at all. He cannot use violence.

Praise his walking away, praise his attempt to get out of the situation, tell him that was absolutely correct when being bullied/abused/upset. But do not ever say “you only hit out because she was upsetting you” because it is never ok for men to use violence. At that point, what she was doing no longer matters and it cannot be used as an excuse, at all.

This wasn’t self defence.

The thing is I was parented properly as a child so I wouldn’t need to behave or react like that as an adult

You've inadvertently hit the nail on the head here, there was absolutely NO parenting going on in this situation which is why it escalated. OP was the one in charge of the children at the time, and let all this happen, she let her niece continue to pester her SS, then she let her SS shout at her niece in retaliation.. which all then escalated into water spilling, name calling and her niece being hit.. at any point along the way she could have stepped in and properly intervened and if she isn't capable of doing it they should not be left alone in her care.

Being passive is not the same as parenting.

OP is the one in the wrong here.

Exactly
All the mental gymnastics being used to excuse this young man
My concern is that if he can get this angry with an annoying ten year old female cousin . How would he react to something even more serious ?

Your sister is not a safe person to be around your DSS.
I would take your family home and let everyone recover. Make sure that your DSS gets the help that he needs.

Sounds as if you’re doing a great job of raising him to think he can do what he likes.

Both kids were wrong, but I think what is important is that if neither are able to behave appropriately and neither follow your instructions, then they need to be kept separate. Your niece acting like that is because she’s been raised like that so I doubt her mum will make her accept any accountability for her behaviour, but I’m not surprised she doesn’t want him around her child as a 15 year old hitting a 10 year old is never okay.

You're missing the point, there you are putting all the responsibility on the boys. Girls also need to be raised to not be abusive.

Regardless of fault/apologies/everything else, the holiday cannot continue.

15
hit a girl
aged 10

my god, in your shoes I’d be petrified and in your sister’s shoes I’d be furious

I'm saying BOTH children need to be disciplined. The girls behaviour was disgusting but her mother and many posters here seem to think it's just the boy in the wrong because he resorted to violence. That was also very wrong, but it does not absolve the girl of any responsibility. Acting like it does send the message that girls mentally abusing boys is acceptable.

Another rather stupid response.

You are saying that there are only 2 options for men - be violent or meekly accept abuse.

I’ve got 2 boys, and I’m not raising them to do either of those things. Teaching boys never to be violent, particularly towards women, does not equate to teaching them to meekly accept abuse.

It’s an insane way to try and manipulate this.

he turned round and hit her and now he's being made out to be the bad guy
No, he IS the bad guy. I understand that your step son grew frustrated with your niece, but she's a 10 year old girl and he's a 15 year old boy. He should not have put his hands on her, full stop. It's bad guy behaviour.

This boy clearly has anger issues, which is understandable, but what is your partner doing about it? Is this boy in therapy? Is he getting any help? Going for a walk to calm down is not a good coping mechanism...

During this my sister was out with her other dc, my dp was in the shower and I was telling her multiple times to leave him alone and do something else even when she was repeatedly telling him to show her his drawing and she ignored me
Since you were in charge of the kids, it was your responsibility to handle the girl better. If she wouldn't listen, you should have removed her from the situation.

My sister is now back and furious
Understandably.

she said she doesn't want her children to share a space with a “violent man”, and has even mentioned going to the police and social services on us if we're happy to have him around our children as he's not related to us when asked where he should go she just replied care
It's not unreasonable to not wnat her kids near your step son, but calling the police and social services on him is a bit harsh. But as I said, you clearly need help with your step son, he's not coping.

AIBU to think she's overreacting?
Yes, she's not overreacting. If your 10 year old daughter was hit in school by a 15 year old boy would you really not think this is bad?

I know SS shouldn't have hit her and he knows this too
That's good, but he also had a meltdown at the arcades for something minor. He doesn't just need to "know" that he does wrong, he also needs some help with learning how to manage his anger and frustration. In a few years, he'll be an adult in the eyes of the law, and he can't just regret it and "know he's done wrong" when he hits people, or do worse.

but she hasn't apologised for her part in deliberatly winding him up
I do think the kid was annoying, but that's normal 10 year old kiddie behaviour: they annoy the hell out of people. I don't think she should apologise to your step son, especially considering the fact that he hit her, but I do think her parents should do better, and talk to her about provoking people and respecting their boundaries when they say stop, or when she's being asked to leave people alone.

and sister says she doesn't need to as she's a child and he's nearly an adult
She needs to talk to her kid about not being annoying when people ask her to stop being annoying.

@PapaSteel
Pack up and go home
DP and yourself may be understanding whilst doing your best by the 15 year old SS but he's obviously got anger management issues
So needs more therapy
And I wonder what his bio mother actually said to trigger him into this state in the time he was with her
Also wonder what his bio dads actually like?
Your sisters hysteria is a reaction to terrible shrill spoilt-brat parenting
But having said that the 10year old shouldn't have been so awful either
Take this as a wake-up call and
Get SS some therapy now
I find it astonishing to the character of your partner he has taken on a child not his

👏🏻👏🏻

Exactly. And said much better than o could put.

Just because he was wrong doesn’t mean he should out up with abuse in the first place.