To think Dsis is overeacting after SS hit niece?

But the evidence is… he lost it so badly he had to be escorted out of the arcade by the DP. What did he lose it? A claw game.

his tolerance level is obviously in the gutter

this 10 year old probably just had to say a couple of comments

and if it was so cruel and heinous why in god’s name did the Op not intervene. This must have taken place almost within arm’s reach of her!!

Maybe she thought the niece would do as she was told? Like I say, the niece’s behaviour was pretty outside of the norm, I think it’s fair that she wasn’t expecting it. All her children were just sitting happily drawing and colouring until the niece started goading her step son. Maybe she’s just not used to that kind of behaviour?

1. he is getting help for his “anger” at school
2. *He has in the past shoved and been in fights with other boys who thought it would be funny to pick on him hence school being involved. He’s at a mainstream school but he spends a lot of time in their sen hub whether it’s going there to calm down *
3. *His school also gave him a timeout pass so he can leave the classroom if needs be*

You keep saying that the school doesn’t want the child to be around their peers. I’m not sure where you’re getting that from?? The OP said that her SS was considered vulnerable and as such spent some of his time in the school’s SEN hub. She also said he has a good group of supportive friends. I mean yes, the OP is of course reporting things from her perspective, that’s kind of the nature of AIBU, but that doesn’t mean you can just make stuff up to suit your argument.

The Op, spectating this ghastly bullying by this 10 year old against a much bigger male 15 year old… simply spectated. Unwilling to put her baby down and walk the 2/3 steps to intervene.

The boy had lost it 24 hours previously with an arcade game!!! To the extent he had to be escorted out by the DP!

My guess… the Op has massively exaggerated the behaviour of this 10 yr old.

The parents ‘in all their wisdom’ decided to take their family on a caravan holiday. This was based on the fact they have raised their own children to show empathy and compassion and do what they are asked. The siblings get on well and there is no history of violence in the home.

The sister ‘in all her wisdom’ decided to leave her 10 year old who apparently has very little (if any) empathy, poor social skills, poor impulse control and does not do as she is told in the OP’s caravan. This was apparently because the niece ‘didn’t want to do’ the chosen activity.

I mean given that the niece’s behaviour that day is unlikely to have been an unprecedented anomaly, in the OP’s position I would have said no. However, I think she can be forgiven for not predicting that a 10 year old would take another person’s property, damage it and then follow them into their private space goading them and laughing at their distress.

At no point during the supposed terrorising of the 15 year old by the 10 year old was the Op sufficiently concerned to put down her feeding baby and cross the… 5ft? (It’s a caravan) to intervene.

Curious

and rather indicates how bad this terrorising was

The Op is clearly very sympathetic to the boy
this is all her version of the 10 year old

worth remembering the night before he’d lost it with an arcade game.
And the school don’t wish for him to be around peers

@Andimpleased to add, a 6 year old is in Y2. When my son was in Y2 he could (and did) tell me which children were shy, which found school tough, which missed their parents, which found maths hard, which weren’t able to do certain things and why. He knew one child had recently lost a parent and that they were very sad and needed extra kindness. He knew which kids had two mums, which only had one parent, which ones lived with grandparents etc. He isn’t particularly emotionally mature - this is normal.

Of course it’s concerning that this 15 year old shoved/hit a younger child. NO ONE is saying it isn’t. The OP didn’t say it wasn’t. The child is getting additional support. They have endured years of physical and emotional abuse and that is a REASON, not an excuse.

I am genuinely more concerned by all the people who seem to think that the 10 year old niece’s behaviour was ‘normal’. Is that assumption based on the behaviour of your own children, or children in your family? I can assure you that it is not normal for a child about to enter high school not to know that tormenting and goading another person is wrong. So unaware was she that this was awful behaviour she was quite happy to do it in front of another adult, even after being told multiple times to stop. Imagine what she’s doing when the adults aren’t watching.

I don’t know if her behaviour is due to poor parenting or an underlying difference in her development (or both) but I am genuinely concerned that there might be parents on here who aren’t teaching their children empathy or that think a 6 year old can’t understand that people are different and need to be treated differently. I also find it interesting that those who are demonstrating a lack of empathy themselves also seem to be the ones who aren’t shocked or surprised by the niece’s behaviour.

You sound like you have issues then to address with your 6 year old if this really is the case

The school this boy attends has taken the decision to separate him from his peers for the majority of the time.

The OP and her husband, in all their wisdom, thought the confined space of a caravan plus three other young children, including a 10 year old who has no experience of living with a violent NF teen boy, was sensible.

This is all on the adults

Who said anything about social services? I said he shouldn’t be around younger children unless he’s heavily supervised, which I think is common sense really given he hit a 10 year old girl because she was winding him up. It’s great that he knows to “take himself away” when he can’t control his anger, but that doesn’t mean if young children follow him (as they often do because they are immature) it’s their fault if he attacks them.

I think you are vastly underestimating what typically developing children can do with the right guidance and attentive parenting. Perhaps a 6 year old is not old enough to ‘read the room’ without help (many are) but if you explain in age appropriate language and model the behaviour you are expecting of course they can understand that people are different and need to interacted with in different ways. Just the same as they could understand that a wheelchair user might not be able to play football, a hearing impaired person can’t hear them talking and their frail, elderly grandparents can’t be jumped on. Did you not teach your kids this stuff?

My children are 8 and 10. My daughter is admittedly a particularly empathetic and gentle child who would not have needed to be told not to goad and torment someone, but my 8 year old is very boisterous and cheeky. Both know how to behave with people with differing needs. If they weren’t able to behave in an appropriate way with a particular person (which at 6 is more likely to be a difficulty with impulse control than understanding) then I would consider it MY responsibility be supervise them with that person until I was confident with that they could.

This 10 year old girl hasn’t grown up living with a teen boy who has serious anger issues.

She is 10. She was being annoying, pressing buttons and antagonistic.

He was violent. And hit someone much smaller and younger.

You’d expect a 6 year old, 6(!), to grasp the implications of autism in your nephew (that he can be violent?)?

If i knew a 12 year old was liable to kick off and hit my 6 year old if she was annoying and pushed buttons (which 6 year olds are liable to do!) then I wouldn’t have him around her. Full stop.

I feel what you've failed to understand is - she would never do this. Because she understands. You are telling me she could never understand, she does because shes been exposed to this. She knows we aren't all the same. I have 2 other kids who would also not get into someones personal space during a melt down, all I said if one kid was gonna - it would be her.

If you're not raising your kids to be considerate to other peoples boundaries that is a you issue. Even if those boundaries are not reasonable sometimes.

I really don't understand your post- you think my concern should be for your nephew "who is allowed to hit out"?

And you may consider your 6 year old to rule the house, but she's still a little girl who needs protecting by the adults in her life i.e you

You've clearly never met my 6 year old. Don't worry about her - she rules the entire house. But thanks for the concern about her and not my nephew who is allowed to hit out 😂

If you would expect this from a 6 year old, then please, please never allow her around your nephew without an adult supervising closely enough to protect the little girl if required.

Because this far too much to put on a 6 year old. She is too young to deal with handling the potential responses of a volatile, much older cousin. Tbh I find your post really disturbing.

Idk what you read but no, if MY eldest child (16) hit my daughter i'd be fuming.
My autistic nephew who everyone in my family is aware has different boundaries because he has additional needs, and his parents allow for it (therefore, we all warn our children of outbursts) I would absolutely expect her to respect his space and stuff.

Your 12 year old boy hit your daughter, half his age, a 6 year old and you would demand your 6 year old daughter who “presses buttons” apologises to him as a well as him?

6! she is 6! There won’t be malice there and there won’t be a real grasp of sensing when someone is about to blow and there will be zero understanding of autism.

Poor girl

Bit late to the thread but I have a nephew (12) whos autistic and highly strung, I can calm him down fairly easily - sometimes just like any other human he needs space. He absolutely has been raised with a 'you shouldn't hit' followed by 'it's okay we understand why you did it' by his parents. And I get it too - his frustration builds up and whilst I think they absolutely over allow it and it makes his outbursts worse... I understand to an extent why he does it/can't help himself. That's a product of his issues and the way he has been raised. You've had him fully for the past 2 years now, you are the ones who need to work on the it's not acceptable chat really.

My daughter is 6, shes a little nut - she absolutely presses every button she can sometimes. She doesn't really read a room - and she HATES to listen (I have 2 other perfectly behaved children, she can absolutely be a shit bag though)

If my nephew hit my daughter, I'd make sure they BOTH apologized. Not that she would deserve any type of violence, not ever - but also, she knows full well about particular nephew (we have 16 combined nieces and nephews) so if she pushed him to a limit they'd both be in front of me apologizing, 100%.

I actually don't think you are being unreasonable here.

I think you just don’t get that violence is unacceptable there are no excuses….and teaching someone who resorts to violence that there ARE excuses for lack of control is harmful to them

…and hitting people at school

Most of the people in prison are abused and traumatised…are you this compassionate with them? Hope so. It’s compassionate to this young adolescent to realise that excuses do him no favours and he’s headed on a dangerous path ..unless he realises violence is never acceptable