To think our DSs achievement is a lot down to me?

They all spout their poison from the same fucking script. That's why, once we see them for what they are, we can spot the signs in others a mile off.

I could have written your post about my mother.

I was nearly 40 before I realised that it wasn't normal for a mother to call her daughter (as early as I can remember) "an ungrateful cow" or a "selfish bitch", or that I should feel I owed her an eternal debt of gratitude for doing the things that normal mothers do for love.

When I eventually realised that I didn't deserve the spiteful insults and name-calling, that the eternal debt of gratitude was impossible to repay and nothing I could do to please her would ever be enough, I dropped the rope and, except in the most exceptional circumstances, never spoke to her again.

It wasn't easy, she had trained me well to believe I was a loser and a failure, despite being considerably more successful in life than she ever was. I felt guilty too. Having been made to feel guilty about everything for as long as I can remember, the habit was hard to break.

It was worth it though. My only regret is blaming myself for so long and recognising much earlier what she was.

I do feel one small grain of pity for her though. Her own mother was a weapons-grade narcissist and her step-mother was even worse. Grandad was shit at picking wives.

I know exactly what she meant - she meant that his achievements belong in large part to her. And that’s what I’m disagreeing with.

We have no idea from OP’s posts what the boys’ teachers have or have not encouraged him to do. And again, it’s great that she’s encouraged him to broaden his horizons and continue in education. That’s not at all the same as claiming credit for it. Also not sure why we need to denigrate social care but that’s an aside.

How do I know what sacrifices my family made? Because I have eyes, I could see what they were doing for me, I could see what other parents did and, as an adult, I know how hard it would have been. What a weird question.

What?? Did you revise and sit his exams for him? If not, it wasn't you. You can be as encouraging as you like if a child isn't interested and doesn't actually do the work they don't achieve the grades, I highly doubt you made a blind bit of difference.

Pretty sure if he'd failed you'd have pinned that on his mother's side of the family and their underachieving.

It's his achievement, not yours.

Nitpicking a poster's phrasing is unkind and unnecessary. You knew what she meant.

You also seem to have missed the part where the OP states the lad was seriously considering leaving school after GCSEs and going into social care. The fact that he went on to A levels after her intervention is indeed thanks to her.

It should also be obvious that this lad did not have teachers or mentors who saw his potential, so she was in effect the only one who encouraged him. It is not narcissistic to state that.

How do you know about whatever sacrifices your family made to get you where you are?

it was often done under the disguise of "Look what i've done for you, other parents wouldn't do xyz for their children, look how privileged you are" etc.

One of the big ones was "I gave up my life for you, all i ever wanted was children" as if I owed her one to achieve well because she made a decision to sacrifice a life to have children growing up?

Looking back "All i ever wanted was children" is a pretty toxic thing to aspire to, it certainly wasn't a statement of "I want children so that I can encourage them and mold them into being good and successful people" though... more "I want children that I can extend my ownership over and feel like I have something i can control in my life.

I didn't recognise it for what it was at the time but as an adult that now lives away from my mother (well, she's dead now but i'd still lived away from her for some time beforehand) it has become clear that a lot of what she was like wasn't normal.

Well I will say good for you.

I don’t take it for granted that someone who is no blood relation ( and goodness knows there are enough blood relations who do nothing) should make the effort to help someone else’s child succeed in life.

You’ll get no thanks probably - but he in turn will pass it on and hopefully be as good a parent or step parent to his own or other’s children as you’ve been for him.

Sadly, you are right, it does happen and it shouldn't.

Being proud of the children you bring up and helping them achieve is perfectly normal.

Minimising their achievements by taking credit for them is not normal.

Unfortunately, some self-absorbed mothers see their children as extensions of themselves rather than individuals in their own right.

I'm sorry you had one. I had one too.

I’m talking about the family I come from. I know lots of parents behave the way your mum did.

Exactly this.

Dunno, my mum definitely tried to look good through me - it happens.

Yes. You have every reason to be pleased with yourself. Your support could well have been life changing. He is fortunate to have you in his life and I hope he and his father acknowledge you.

I think to an extent every parent could say this but wouldn’t even think it, he got there through his own hard work, I’m a little, dismayed you’re telling is father and your mother and starting a thread to tell people it’s down to uou

do you have areas in your life you get credit for?

This is nonsense.

No one achieves by themselves.

Encouraging people, especially young people, to see things that way makes for a very self regarding, selfish society. It also makes them lonely when things go wrong, as logically, that achievement is theirs alone too.

In your child's case - were there parents who provided a safe, healthy home, food in the fridge, a roof over their heads, wifi, and so on.

Were there parents who expected their children to go to school, behave, engage, study, apply to university and get on in life? That expectation is belief in the child, so that builds a confidence too. And on and on with every aspect of a child's achievement.

Of course, the child does achieve, they rise to meet the challenge, they apply their own resources to a good outcome, they accept the bounty bestowed on them. They most certainly achieve, but it is most certainly not in a vacuum.

All of us get help, and we need the young to recognize that.

I am probably hard in my post but, truth be known, my lovely dog died today and I feel so sad, so excuse me?

My own parents made many sacrifices and created space and ambition for me, I was the first person in my family to go to university, I also have a doctorate and a professional qualification, all of which they supported me through immensely. They are very proud and I couldn’t have done it without them, or with it out the support of teachers and professors and mentors along the way. Not a single one of those people would ever dream of saying my achievements were ‘a lot down to them’ (to quote the OP). Support, encourage, yes - good on her for doing so. She hasn’t mentioned any sacrifice at all. But to claim is achievements as ‘a lot down to her’ (aside from being barely literate) is narcissistic and rather unattractive. People are responding to that narcissism, not the support.

I think what people are trying to tell you OP is that by all means, be happy, be proud and go and celebrate. The need for external validation of your role in it is bizarre though.

This.

That you think it's necessary to make a post to tell us you are so great on your son's special day says a lot about how self-absorbed you are.

On it's own it would be bad enough, but you have given yourself away a lot more than that.

If you have an ounce of humility (I'm not optimistic, unfortunately), you would look at the poll results and ask yourself why you didn't get the outcome you obviously expected.

I suggest you read through your posts and do some self-reflection, if you can.

Then, ask yourself why you are still here arguing the toss instead of celebrating the success your son deserves without expecting everyone else to stroke your ego or getting the arse when they don't.

I get the feeling you’ll let him know sooner or later.

My post is entirely based on what you have told us about yourself.

Having been brought up by a toxic self-absorbed narcissist, I recognise the type and avoid them as friends. So I am not your friend, nor you mine.

Bloody hell this thread is batshit nasty.
My daughter had a project that was 50% of an important exam and our neighbour a professor in the subject took a look over it and gave her valuable feedback that she adapted.
She aced the exam and dropped a card and fine bottle of Port to his house as she really felt he helped her take her project to the next level.

She speaks very highly of him and runs into him occasionally and always references his kindness to her when she was stresses and under pressure.

The OP has been doing this for years, of course she feels a part of his success.

My children have had teachers over the years that 100% went above and beyond for their students, and again they rightly give them full credit for their contribution to their overall success.

Looking on the bright side, it's got him out of the shitshow that is home life.

And the OP might not have used any of the MSc knowledge to help him cheat at the coursework component. Although then it would be purely his own efforts and the OP wouldn't be wanting to claim credit, as sitting there with him talking at her or say 'That's the US spelling, you need to change it to -ise for British English' (which is the limit of coursework parental involvement permitted by JCQ) isn't cheating in the way that explaining stuff, rewriting paragraphs or making any suggestion at all about improvements would be.

Obviously he is being celebrated. That's why you are so sore. Like a spoilt child, you want the attention he's getting. You think you deserve it, because you think you are special and superior to him and his dull-witted family. You are not.

Don't forget you - presumably voluntarily - married into this family of dimwits, so perhaps you aren't so clever after all...

Don't spoil the celebration with your petty anger at not being the centre of attention. Neither your son nor anyone else who witnesses it will forget you spoiling his special day.