To think our DSs achievement is a lot down to me?

That is what parents do. Because you love your child and want the best for them.

Of course, but having spoken to them about it over the 40 years since secondary school I’ve got a good sense of their views. I’m confident they don’t claim that my achievements are theirs, any more than I claim (to myself or others) those of my children, nieces or friends’ children who I’ve also supported and mentored through their education, careers or other milestones.

This doesn't come off well.
Presumably if he ever does anything wrong or isn't a success in life that's also down to you? He worked hard and got results.

Most people's parents encourage their kids to aspire to a bit beyond stopping education at 16 and working minimum wage permanently, but they're not asking for medals. That's just being a reasonable parent.

We know role models are very important in encouraging young people to raise their aspirations.

You would be a bit of a knob to go on about it on results day but I think it’s more than ok to clock your contribution and as far raising it on an anonymous chatboard like MN it doesn’t bother me at all.

Individual academic success takes a village sometimes and why shouldn’t the villagers give themselves a discreet pat on the back?

Only you can answer for certain, but I suspect it's for attention, which you seem to need like the rest of us need oxygen.

Your feelings are valid and none of us can deny them.

What doesn't make sense to me , ( and I came from a conventional family setup, if relevant here), is I cannot imagine my mum would have said when I got A levels and professional exams etc, I don't think she would ever have said that 'she's proud of herself ".

What she did to support and encourage me was natural, she couldn't have stopped if she'd tried.It was unforced. It didn't cause any feeling of pride any more than feeling proud for putting a plate of scrambled eggs and beans on toast down for me and my brother at tea time made her feel proud. It's what parents do..

You are a truly unique stepmother. Your achievement is so much more than his achievement - here, on MN we see some stepmothers begrudging their step-children soft fruit - yes, honestly! And you gave him confidence, a chance of a better life, and a university place! You know that sometimes coaches are better than parents for making sure children will succeed in life - they give more of a shit about children, than biological parents do. Well, you are like one of those coaches. Congratulations and well done!

I’d like to think a lot of my son’s A in Scottish higher English was down to me as I took one look at his coursework essay and completely rewrote it. He got a very high mark for this component which dragged his grade up. Do I feel guilty? Nah. He needed 5 x A to apply for his computer science degree and he was made to take English by his school (most Scottish secondary schools do) when those doing A levels for computer science would be allowed to just do stem A levels.

The Green’s here think that we should do away with exams entirely and just use coursework. They’re totally clueless though and have no idea that this would just mean middle class kids get straight As as parents / tutors shoulder the work. Idiots.

Toxic mother. Dad was a great father, but unfortunately a victim of her abuse.

One thing mother did teach me was how limited narcissistic language is. You have pretty much exhausted it in your posts on here.

Let him claim the credit. You don't need to try and shine.

Astonishing, isn't it? Every time OP posts she confirms what she is.

but obviously I can’t talk about these things with anyone, so the best place is here.

@Stayinganontoday Obviously at some point you have been able to, because you claimed in another post that several members of the family have acknowledged your contribution, probably to prevent a meltdown from you on your son's special day.

What's changed?

Is their acknowledgement not enough for you? Have you kicked off at "how ungrateful" they are?

Have they had a bucket full of your attention seeking behaviour and told you to shut up?

Is that why you can't to talk to anyone about it?

Is that why you've come here looking for acknowledgement of your amazingness?

It's not working out well for you, is it?

I find it interesting that when he has done well you feel you can take credit and be “proud” of yourself, but when your daughter did not so well you don’t take responsibility for that as “thats on her, nothing more I could do”.

You don’t know what they think privately to themselves. OP isn’t saying anything about this to her stepson.

Your response is dreadfully narcissistic

You’re not even kidding are you. You truly cannot see it

I think the reason this post exists must surely show that underneath, OP , you do have an inkling that you are taking his achievements far too much as if they are yours..

That's how they keep you under their control, make you believe you can't function or be successful without them.

When she and my father dropped me off at university for the first time, the last thing she said to me before leaving was that I would fail and predicted I would be begging to come home within three months.

I.E: "you'd have never gotten to University if it wasn't for me"

Are you sure we didn't have the same mother? 🤣 Mine was telling everyone at my graduation (including my friends) that I wouldn't have succeeded without her help and support. There were a lot of raised eyebrows, presumably from people recognising what she was.

I suspect a small number of people don't think OP is being unreasonable because:

1. They were fortunate enough to have had a normal mother who willingly did things for them for love. I think these people can find it hard to believe that not all mothers are like those.

1. They are misunderstanding why people think OP is unreasonable. We all think it's good thing to support a child to succeed, but normal mother's do it for their child's sake, not for their own glory. OP has admitted the family has recognised her contribution, but that isn't enough for her.

1. They are narcissists themselves and expect their child's achievements to be about them.

I do think you can congratulate yourself on fostering a great relationship with your stepson. That's probably the greatest thing you've done and worth celebrating, regardless of the academic achievement which you can't really openly claim without ruffling feathers within the family.

"It wasn't easy, she had trained me well to believe I was a loser and a failure"

That's how they keep you under their control, make you believe you can't function or be successful without them.

I.E: "you'd have never gotten to University if it wasn't for me"