To think our DSs achievement is a lot down to me?

I always claim the star* on DD1's A at GCSE RE because I did so much revision with her. Please note that this is entirely a joke between us and she now has a better grade than me at the degree we both did (not RE!)

OP parental support is one of the biggest contributors to academic success, but I'd keep these thoughts to yourself (especially as he is not your DS but your DSS). Well done to him - he's the real credit here.

By all means feel proud. You took on a stepkid and did a goof job of parenting them from the sounds of it.

It doesn't sound like you're raining on his parade, and mumsnet is a good place to air thoughts that you know shouldn't be public.

As a teacher, I'm very aware that parental support makes a huge difference. I'd never ever congratulate a parent in front of their child for their successes, but definitely have had a few where I have.thought they made a huge difference to their children, and equally there have been a couple over the years that I have felt sadly dragged their child down (not necessarily anything they could avoid).

So feel proud. You did a good thing. I am proud for my part in my Y13's sucesses this year (and yes, for a couple I wonder if I could/should have done more) and I don't think that takes away from my pride in the hard work that they have put in.

Yes, your child’s achievement is ultimately down to them. However, having supportive parents makes it much easier for them to achieve. There is a reason a lot more people from higher income families attend university than those from lower income groups and it’s not just down to income. Good parental support can overcome some of the disadvantages of lower income families.

My dc all attended uni. They all worked extremely hard and did very well. However, I read to them from a young age. There were always books in the house. We did lots of enriching extra curricular activities, not because we were pushing them but because we enjoyed it. If they needed extra help with subjects in school, they got it. I arranged unpaid work placements for them in careers they were interested in.

So yeah, their achievements were down to then and I give them full credit but they were extremely lucky to live in an environment that fostered and encouraged achievement.

It sounds like the op’s stepson was lucky to have her support and was able to realise his potential once he saw it as an option. I don’t see anything wrong with her feeling a little proud of her role in his success so long as she doesn’t say it out loud.

OP - you should have probably mentioned in your op that you obviously are not saying anything about your pride in your role in his success.

Congratulations to this bright young man, and best of luck to him. Having people around to support and encourage him in many different ways has given him opportunities to thrive. Being part of the team around him, including parents who have nurtured him in their own ways, grandparents, teachers and others you have played a part in raising his aspirations, so enjoy celebrating with him. Well done to every young person who has got the results they hoped for today, and extra love for those who feel disappointed in theirs, there are many more ways to measure success in life xx

I think it’s weird that you feel you want the validation of your own success via him!

Your whole situation sounds immensely fucked up. Hopefully the poor kid goes to university and never comes back to see any of you again!

I’d be very careful here. I was pushed into revising and going to uni as the first in my family. I hated uni and did enough to get a degree but don’t use it now. My parents still believe they did the right thing but the pressure of needing to complete was extra with the weight of the first in the family “pride.” I would look at it as you having given your DS support to achieve his potential but he could well have done it without as he is clearly capable so this is his win.

I would also think about why you feel this is so important compared to your DHs family education. Uni is great for some, but not all. Is your husband not successful? I know many people who didn’t bother with uni and earn easy 6 figures.

I get you OP, you’re not his parent.

I remember feeling the same when we were foster carers and one of ours we managed to get into uni. Huge deal (less than 500 looked after children go to university compared to 46% of ‘normal’ 18 year olds) and an enormous amount down to DH who was a teacher and me helping them.

It took literally thousands of hours over the years above ‘parenting’. No one in their birth family had even had a job, never mind go to post 16 education.

@Lynxie hmmmm

The comments are funny because on every middle class vs working class kids everyone shouts how having engaged, involved, active, educated parents DOES make a massive difference and it IS a privilege. Suddenly this is not the case anymore . 🙄

Well considering his dad steals your medication for a large part then yes it's down to you that he's not following his dad's footsteps.

Yes, in part! My step mum was a good role model for me, as neither of my parents went to uni. I do feel it was a team effort with her and my mum (my mum was the one day to day dealing with me) but my step mum actually helped me so much with the practical side of uni applications ect. You should be proud of yourself and of him.

I can hear my toxic mother's voice:

"How could you let me down like that? After all I've done for you...".

Before anyone gets too hot under the collar on this one probably best to read the OPs other thread.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5554671-aibu-to-want-to-stay

Their thinking is, ahem... interesting, to say the least.

But what if he had? Are you only going to claim the good news and not the bad?

How old was he when you first met?

Its called parenting.

Of course not 🤣 all failures are his she only wants the good so she can brag like she's doing now 😊

Yes it was all down to your superior parenting. You should write a book about how you are so much better than anyone.
I do hope your DH takes you out to celebrate, leaving your step son at home to ponder why he isn't such a great self starter as you.

Yeh I worked with a woman like this. Her son was terrified of her expectations as he existed purely to show her in a good light. When he gained a 1st class degree she said to me “that’s because of me isn’t it”. I could’ve stamped on her face. I knew the son would have to listen to that over and over. Not normal

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

Yes you’ve encouraged but if he really didn’t want to try and apply himself, he wouldn’t have.

This is his accomplishment, let him have it.

Grow up. All you did is a bit of parenting 👏 👏👏

Good point

FFS let him have his achievement for himself.

You sound like my toxic "but I paid for your music lessons" mother. She has always made everything about herself. She can't stand it when anyone else gets attention, even her own children and grandchildren.