To not allow DS to go to leeds festival if he fails his GCSEs?

Good grief! Goodbye to your nasty ‘partner’!

Sorry, I missed your update.

Can you speak to your son, explain your fears: go with love, tell him how proud you are he got through even some exams and you'll face whatever the outcome is together?
That you know he's hurting and your biggest worry is that how he is reacting at the moment will get him into trouble or danger? That he's not currently making the best judgements and you are worried he'll try drugs or act in a way that will get him hurt or worse? That's why you're worried about him going to the festival.

Could you try again with the therapy? Express to him that you know how excellent he is at rugby and you're concerned all this anger and upset will inevitably end up ruining his rugby career if he doesn't channel it in the right way so will he please try talking to someone?

Could you encourage him to contact his friends and meet up with them before they go to the festival? E.g. he can express to them that he was having a bad time of it and didn't react in the right way and he wants them all to have a great time at rugby going forward and at the festival.

Sometimes I think just explaining to teens and having a heart to heart can help them to seen, when they feel respected and listened to then they are more likely to open up.

I stand by what I said about your partner undermining you though... he does need to back off at this time.

I can understand your worries regarding his behaviour OP, however DP was very wrong to link this to exam results. He was also very wrong and hugely overstepping to make threats. His comments about the rugby team are very worrying. DP sounds like a prize dick, lacking any empathy.
DP needs to go.

@PrinceHood your ‘D’P needs to wind his neck in. He’s got zero right to ban your son from doing anything and the fact you are even entertaining supporting him in this is worrying. I’ll be honest… I didn’t read all the ins and outs of your op because most of it appears to be some kind of justification for punishing your poor child - I think the tldr version is your son has been grieving his father - and his step/half siblings for several years and as a result has been acting out. He’s refused therapy which he clearly needs.

How do you think this punishment will help your son seek help? How do you think this will help him learn to manage himself and change his behaviour?

Your DP is a shit. Tell him to fuck off and leave parenting of your son to you.

Gosh, I can't imagine what a state I would be in if I lost a parent and my siblings in one fell swoop.

Is there anything that can be done in terms of going to court so he can have access to his siblings? I feel like you can apply for a cold arrangements order for him to be allowed to spend time with his half siblings. He might not want it, but he might well be grateful that you're purified to try on his behalf if he did.

On the festival: a) he's undermining you b) you have a duty to your son to show him that you'll prioritise him when you think your partner is wrong and c) if you wanted this to be a consequence you should have said it in April.

Have a word and see if you can make sure his friends have your number in case of an emergency and see if you can e.g. get him to carry a card with your contract details in case he loses his phone or drinks so much he passes out. Obviously all the usual chat about being sensible etc etc.

My partner has said he hopes he gets kicked off the team which maybe he deserves

This is genuinely awful. Taking away the one things he loves will definitely teach him a lesson!

My Mum did that with me. I went further off the rails because I didn't even have my very much loved hobby and I've never forgiven her (I didn't get kicked out, she refused to let me go as punishment). I'm NC with her for numerous reasons, but I thought that one was particularly cruel and now having my own kids I understand even less. Your partner hoping he loses this sport and you thinking he probably deserves it is no different in my opinion.

I'm sure he's feeling shit enough about himself without this on top. I agree being supportive and encouraging him again to go to therapy is a good idea.

Oh my God your poor poor son. Having to deal with the loss of his father and not being allowed to see his siblings, and now your partner is saying vile things about him and wanting to punish him.

Your partner is a cunt. Plain and simple. Ditch him and prioritise your son. He is screaming out for help.

Possibly the partner is well aware of this?

This might be a stupid question, OP, but do you ever actually talk to him about his dad? Properly, seriously talk to him?
I agree that your partner needs to step back - your son is not his son.
GCSEs can be retaken, but maybe he also needs support with the rugby too.... if this is his one interest then it's nit a bad one, and it needs to be encouraged.

Your partner has now broken his relationship with your son. If he had one.
your son will not forgive or forget your partner overstepping the mark like this.
Rally round your son. Support him. Tell him you do not agree with your partner. Put him first.
if your partner doesn’t like it you’ll have a decision to make.

Please support your son.
He must have have been around 14 years old when his Dear Dad passed away.
Its a sensitive age and then to also have to deal with a bereavement.

The pain he must be feeling is just unimaginable.
Its a terrible thing to have happened to him.

Your DP is not his dad so shouldn't be telling you how to parent your DS.

I'm 50 and my mom passed away last year and I get panic attacks and anxiety even thinking about it.

Wtf? Your son’s life has imploded and you are prioritising grades?? Give your head a wobble and tell your boyfriend to back off.

You really are letting your DP have WAY too much say in the parenting of YOUR child.

Poor kid. I wouldn’t be surprised if his behaviour improves if your partner is out of the picture.

This 💯

Your son has had an awful time. We are going as a family if you need eyes on or a beacon for him message me privately. Let him go as your boy has been through a lot of upheaval, bless him. Xx

This 100%

He is hurting.
The passing away of his dad all of a sudden has really affected him.
Your son is struggling.
Bereavement is a terrible thing. It's the worst pain ever.
It must be terrible for your son to think that he will never see his Dear Dad again.
I feel so sad even thinking about it.

I think you need to have a close relationship with your DS. One where at least you can talk to him about what he's feeling.

I totally disagree about the way your DP is interfering.
It appears he wants your DS to suffer more than he's already suffering.
You will lose your son if you let your DP dictate like this. How dare he tell you with what choices to make with the upbringing of your son.
And also wishing that your DS gets kicked off the rugby team.
Your DP is a selfish idiot.

Your partner is an unempathetic arsehole who finds your son a nuisance. Listen to nothing he says at all when it comes to parenting your son. Consider dumping him altogether.

He gets no say, at all, in your parenting.

And of COURSE you shouldn't punish your son like this. Oh, I think I'll casually ruin his hopes and make him hate my guts to please the bloke I'm shagging, that'll teach the little shit.

FFS.

He undermined you by making a 'parenting' decision without your consent regarding your older teen son who is grieving for his father and siblings too.

I would tell your partner in no uncertain terms that due to what your boy is going through, you make the parenting calls.

Bereavement can impact adults profoundly, let alone a teen during his formative years. If GCSEs don't come out well there are other options, resits and paths he could tread.

By going along with your partner, you'll push your son away. He needs to come first, especially at this crucial point. Such profound loss at this juncture would be hard for anyone to deal with, he really needs support.

This is a great reply and articulates my thoughts.

As an aside, my Dad died when I was in my 30s and it completely floored me - I felt like the world tipped on its axis. I cannot imagine dealing with that as a child.

FFS, ditch your utter twat of a partner (who has massively over stepped here, he’s not a resident parent figure, so why is he trying g to parent your son?) and give your poor boy a break. GCSEs can be re-taken. Your son can never get his dad back and he is clearly hurting.

You've got a partner problem.

Grief hits us in various ways and your son needs help. Any punishments should come from you, not your partner, your son needs support.

Get rid of your nasty boyfriend and support your son.

I wonder where your partner is going with this. Is he trying to.engineer a breakdown of your relationship with your son? Would he quite like to clear the house so he can move in?
Seperately do you have any reason to think your son might not be reasonably safe at a festival? Is there drugs or excessive alcohol use?
I think you need to sort out for yourself exactly what your issue with the festival is and where it is really coming from. Not your partner's. Preventing him.from going ( if that's even possible) on safety / health grounds is very very different from punishing him for bad grades. A responsible caring parent might conceivably consider the former but I don't think the latter is at all helpful. Yes wanting him excluded from Rugby is quite ew and makes me wonder what else he'd like to exclude him from.