To not allow DS to go to leeds festival if he fails his GCSEs?

Some private schools still have “grammar” in their names - I’d assumed OP was referring to one of those.

I can’t believe what I’ve just read. Your son has lost his dad and effectively his siblings and his mother lets a complete twat of a boyfriend treat him like shit. Fucking hell woman. Tell your boyfriend to wind his neck in and be a decent and compassionate mother to your poor son. What the heck is it to do with him. Go right ahead and undermine him. Don’t you dare put his feelings above your child’s.

No such thing as a private grammar school

Poor, poor, boy. Your partner is spiteful. After everything your son has been through you should be celebrating him just getting through his GCSEs. Give your head a wobble.

My Dad died when I was 12. I'm 43 and still not really over it. I had counselling at 39. Thats when I felt able to talk about it.
Fuck his GCSEs. Let him have fun. He can re sit them if and when hes ready. Have a little compassion for Christ's sake.

To be fair to those friends they absolutely should distance themselves if he does any of those things. Their parents would probably be giving them that advice.
But then he needs to know he can ring you.

You might not live with your partner but he is assuming a parenting role that your DS does not want.

OP, if he does badly in his GCSEs, he will feel badly enough about himself anyway, without your forbidding him from going to Leeds festival - so if that is what all his mates are doing, let him go with them. I’m sorry, but it’s really not for your DP to lay down the law to him - I’m not a bit surprised he told your DP to F off - I’m only surprised he hasn’t turned round and told DP that he’s not his Dad and has no right to say anything. Tell DP that the Leeds festival was simply something that happens at the end of year 11 - then have a quiet word with your son about what his next steps will be if he really has done badly. I can’t think his school will continue with a full bursary for someone who doesn’t take exams seriously, so you need to find out what is likely to happen next. Is rugby with school or outside school? He’s clearly a bright boy, but the competition at the top of rugby is fierce, and there’s no guarantee he’ll make it, no matter how focused he is, and he needs to know this, and be aware that he needs a plan B. But denying him the Leeds festival is punishing a lad who is already suffering from what life has thrown at him. Don’t make it worse.

This can’t be real, can it? If so then that lad just needs a cuddle and the reassurance that his exams right now are not that important. Let him go to the festival, let him have connections with friends and have happy moments.

If you were going to punish a kid for their exam performance be then that should be based on their input not their output, so the results are irrelevant. Although in this case I don’t see why punishment is warranted at all, why would you punish something that was a result of him grieving.

Your DP is bang out of order , undermining you as a parent and then accusing you of undermining him

I'm wondering if this is a reverse written by the boyfriend. There's a remoteness in the posts by the OP

As much as he’s had a terrible time, and your partner is a twat who needs to back the fuck off…
Given what you describe of his behaviour, and that he “doesn’t care about anything”, I’d be wary of him going to Leeds because of what he’ll potentially get up to when there.
There’s rite of passage and then there’s off the rails and getting lamped by security or winding up in medical.

Then again if you try to stop him, I expect he’ll tell you to fuck off and do a disappearing act anyway.

Either way you’re going to be dealing with fallout.

The poor lad’s dad died 2 years ago and you’re wondering why he’s gone off the rails? Wow.

my hubbys dad died when he was 17 and he’s still scarred by it 40 years later.

be kind to him

I don't think that carrot/stick type of approach works with 16 year olds, especially bright ones. It's for much younger children. With older teens it always goes nuclear, they dig in and that just makes everything worse.

Your son is 2 years away from adulthood and he will be able to choose whether to see you or your partner ever again. If you have burned your bridges it could be catastrophic.

He's more than a set of exam results and he needs to hear that from you.

You just need to encourage him to make a plan to build on what he's got. If that's 1 A level and a couple of BTECs at the local college, retaking Maths and then maybe a Sports Events Management degree, that's fine. The important thing is to have a plan that he can see himself doing.

He has had a terrible two years and lost his dad. He was a good, trying hard kid before that. He has lost his dad, his siblings, life seems like hell and teenage hormones are raging. He will disappointed enough if all this has caused him to do poorly in his GCSEs ...and now you (or your partner) want to punish him by stopping him going to a festival if he hasn't done well.
When things aren't going well at yours, with a partner to also navigate, he no longer has a dad to go to and dad's partner is making him unwelcome.
I think that your partner was overstepping in making this decision and telling your son about it while you were out. He didn't bother to check whether you agreed with this decision or not.
This leaves you in a difficult position as in order to support your son you will have to overturn your partner's decision.
I would do just that in this case ...overturn your partner's decision and make sure that for the future these things need talked over between the two of you and that you, as parent, always has the final decision.

Wake up to what your ds has been thru.
Support him.
Get him support.
If festival is paid for he shld go. Talk to him about drugs.
Regardless results.
He can retake. Take a new path.
Cut out your dp

Your son needs to go to LeedsFest and have an amazing time knowing that whatever he does he can come to you.

So when her 16yr old child develops drug induced pyschosis, that will be an amazing time ? Nobody is going to judge the parent that sent their emotionally unstable child into the arena of drugs and more drugs ?

Oh. And he's lost access to his siblings.

How cruel the adults around him are.

Good Lord. I've heard it all now.

Loses his Dad at a very sensitive age, in what would have been theost stressful years of his life yet anyway. He finds his own, constructive, way to deal with it through rugby. He has mum's boyfriend who has no sympathy judging him when he's just lost his Dad.. It's all gone a bit wrong for him with the rugby and GCSEs and you can't understand why. Now, you're actively wanting his support mechanisms taken away from him ( friends and festival / rugby).

Jesus. Poor kid.

Has he grieved properly? Consider booking him onto grief counselling that's more specialised than in-school support. He is acting out, but if you don't support him he'll be even more alienated from you

He has lost his Dad. Your partner - of however long - had absolutely no business to be laying down the law & if he now feels undermined then frankly, good. Maybe he’ll think twice next time. Your DS is screaming I’m grieving and I just need you to love me and tell me I’m safe. He has a whole lifetime for GcSE resits, rugby, everything else. The person who needs a strong word is DP. Your son needs to go to LeedsFest and have an amazing time knowing that whatever he does he can come to you.

Sounds like he’s had a horrific two years. He’s battling grief and not doing well with it. He needs love and care. Not punishment.

LTB

Let him go to Leeds. Geez. He lost his dad and cant see his siblings. Your partner is mean saying he wishes he gets kicked off the team of the only thing he cares about. How about you put your son first and let him love what he loves.

You are an absolutely awful, I could use stronger words to describe you but I shall refrain.

his dad died two years ago, there’s a high chance he would mess his gcses up. I’m a widow with two teens and my son was 9 when it happened. Those first two years were the most challenging, worse than challenging they were horrific. It will be the same for your son. GCSEs being within this two year time frame - I would just be happy that he sat them.

have some compassion. This should have made you realise there are bigger things than GCSEs.

You need to "undermine" your partner - he was utterly and totally out of line and, given he is so into "consequences", needs to experience those.

Yes they are!