AIBU to cut SIL out finally …

Seems to me, it’s as much your MiL as your SiL.

But I do feel a bit for her position as the one girl in among 4 boys. Your DH says she was competitive- maybe she just had to work extra hard to keep up with the expectations of her in a family dominated by men?

I'm sorry you went through all that & your in-laws made it so much worse. And for what? An adult's birthday?! It's actually shocking that people can be so callous.

You're doing the right thing keeping them at bay. I don't think I'd ever be able to see or talk to them again.

Not read anything quite so stupid in a long time on MN.

What a ridiculous answer.

Why ask the grandma? Surely in most families this is the first person you’d ask in the circumstances.

And this spoil brat of a SIL doesn’t want her mum to help out her son and family in a time of need. Disgusting behaviour.

Are you honestly saying her reaction is okay? You wouldn’t jump to help your family out?

She’s disgusting.

When my SIL was widowed (her husband was DH's brother)seven years ago I rang her every couple of weeks for a chat. DH died recently and she hasn't bothered to ring once and it won't be me picking up the 'phone.

Sounds like you don’t see her much anyway. Don’t push for her coming round, don’t facilitate any visits there, you’ll barely see her. Your mil sounds like she’s totally enmeshed,

Oh I don’t know.

Being foul mouthed is wonderfully effective sometimes. Not to mention cathartic.

I would far far rather be foul mouthed than someone who refuses to help a man whose wife and child are terribly ill in hospital.

What disgusting horrible advice, says alot about you.
There are far better ways to go about this without stopping to being foul mouthed.

Why on earth do you invite them?

You are starting to sound like a glutton for punishment.

My problem would be with the MIL who didnt want to help her son out.

Are you the poster who’s posted about all this loads before, without the AI?

Of course step back, you don’t like her, she doesn’t like you, so of course barely see her.

im sorry your baby was in nicu, but you seem to be using this to blame her and your mil, when what about all the other people you could have asked? Maybe some on my list aren’t an option for whatever reason but - your fil, his brothers, any of your family, any friends, a babysitter, a neighbour. If you really only have one person you can call on in an emergency, I’d say you need to widen your circle. And again, with the dropping off for nursery, surely that’s completely his father’s role? For 2 weeks, his job can cope.

you don’t like her, so you’re blaming her for things that aren’t her responsibility

Agree with all who say MIL is just as big a part in the awfulness of all of this, do you honestly think she sees yours and (twat)SIL as equal?
I think she would absolutely ditch them if she asked, and no way would I facilitate their relationship with her.

I think you have a MIL issue more than a SIL issue. Why on earth did she allow those things to happen?

I think you should protect yourself from SIL and MIL. I know you said that you're only angry at SIL because MIL has since stepped up, however I'd be really cautious of opening my heart to mil and of having any expectations of her to help when future shit hits the fan.

Taking you out of the picture, she priotised her DDs perfect birthday celebration over her DS's need to see his poorly newborn and very ill wife. He must have been scared for both of you, and wanting to support you in your family's most vulnerable moment. An adults birthday celebration going exactly the way she envisaged is not on the same level as that, not even close. Your MIL made a very poor choice then. Be careful you don't allow her to hurt you and your family again.

I would never contact her again, and beyond greeting her at the odd family event I would never bother again. You don't need to play nice. You can just wave and say hello and talk to anyone but her. Don't invite her over, and pull back.

You don't need to be unkind, and always remain civil and on nodding terms, but beyond that she does not get to have a relationship with you.

Dh can organise his own family and tbh this is harder for him op, this is family and it is really crap. So acknowledge his feelings, offer him support and focus on your children and lives, and give them no further air time.

I had a toxic MIL & BIL on my husband’s side. Again not to my face or directly, things like I had to be taken to hospital in an ambulance as I had a medical emergency and my MIL told my husband he should go on holiday without me (we weee on way to airport). BIL was always inviting my husband out and then suggesting that I was controlling if he didn’t go. I’m talking to lad weekends away to Ibiza etc. we had four young kids. BIL also had a wife and children but didn’t think he had to be faithful or present - out every weekend and during the week. When he separated (walked out on family 8 days before Christmas) MIL said it was as ex did not cook him dinner when he came in. He also never learned my siblings/parents names (after I had been in a relationship for 20 yrs with his brother). A couple of years ago I just snapped (I think it was after he asked me my parents names at a family gathering) I knew then that I would not make any effort ever again. I can’t explain but it was “the straw that broke the camel’s back” moment. I did not say anything at that moment, however at another meeting not much later, BIL introduced me to new GF - I was very rude to him (embarrassed him) this led to a massive row with my husband, but I just said to husband, no I have been treated badly by him for years and I won’t pretend it’s not happening any more. You have a relationship with him, I can be polite, I can put on a good front but he is a total sh*t and I won’t pretend otherwise. It also happened that about a year before this he came to a friends birthday drinks and said hello to whole table but blanked me - I told my husband during this row and he said “no way would he have done that” so I said ask your friends - it was fantastic as BIL had been doing that for years but was always cleaver enough not to do in public, until he slipped up. Anyway it’s all settled, I feel free, less stressed and husband happy. I don’t talk about them, if we see them in very polite - we have been on holiday together since and was fine. In a weird way BIL in now much nicer and even recently texted to say he hopes my parent is ok as they were in hospital. MIL I stopped making big effort with. I let all communication go via husband (children birthday gift etc) sorry for the long rant! But basically step back and make peace with the fact that they are not nice and it’s ok for you to know that. Be polite for your husbands sake and all will be fine

I have an opinionated, judgemental SIL. She made an unforgivable comment when I was pregnant with DS. It still shocks me.
However after 20 years and all our children grown up,I have learnt to gently push back. The reality is everyone finds her difficult not just me and those that cope best like her parents, come from her needing them too. She doesn’t need me of course.
Once I understood her world view it was easier to not get upset.

With your SIL she’s clearly in her own small bubble. Whereas you come from a place that accommodates extended family. Lower your expectations and be proactive with the bits that don’t work. She doesn’t invite you? Don’t feel you should invite her to similar things. It’s not petty or mean, she simply doesn’t see the same value in you or your relationship.