AIBU to feel hurt after husband broke our no-porn agreement?

Watching porn isn't a physical release. Men don't need to watch porn. And trying to pretend your husband isn't doing something really gross and disrespectful that he doesn't need to do, agreed not to do, and knows would hurt you if you found out, probably isn't a great decision.

This is so cringe. All this talk of 'coolwives'...! I don't trust or even like most men, but there are far worse things men are doing than watching porn

Anyone who thinks they are married to some angel who never lowers themselves to the gutter... get real! You're living in a ridiculous bubble that will probably pop with grandeur one day and have you crying on here

I'm torn on this tbh.

Overall I really dislike porn for many reasons.
But as I've got older I feel like it is something all men do. Do I like it, no. Do I agree with it, also no.

I think this thread has been hijacked once again - this always happens on these types of threads 🙄 people debating their own opinions on porn when that’s not even what the OP was asking.
It doesn’t matter your own personal opinions on if porn is acceptable because the OP and her husband made an agreement together which he has broken, so it’s understandable that you’re hurt OP.
I would advise an honest open conversation about what led him to do that and if he is willing to carry on that agreement or not and go from there.

I think men find it easiest to masturbate with what they are used to- they basically train themselves to react to a particular stimulus. So if they've only ever masturbated with porn, they might struggle without. If they start watching more extreme stuff, they end up needing ("needing") extreme stuff. If they've never seen more than a glimpse of a woman's ankle, they can wank themselves silly thinking about that ankle. This is one of the reasons that too much or too extreme porn use can affect normal sexual function- they've basically trained themselves on the wrong stimulus. But the brain is very plastic- they can train themselves back to normal again by avoiding porn.

Anyway, OP, it's completely up to you whether this is a red line. In your shoes and assuming an otherwise happy marriage I'd use it as a way into talking about things more generally as obviously the current situation is hard for you both, and of course especially for you as the one who has experienced a traumatic birth.

You can’t police what other people watch/do with their bodies. it really is as simple as that.

The great porn debate will never be solved on here. For me the issue is you made an agreement which he broke and thats undermined your trust a bit.

My view, fwiw, is you need to sit down and explain its not really about the porn its about the trust. From his perspective he has physical needs you are not able to meet, he probably understands and accepts why, and thinks its ok to quietly meet those needs in the interim, but the secrecy has broken your trust and made you feel crap.

I think you both need to be clear on how you feel and whats acceptable going forward. What are you both happy and not happy with at this stage in life, where can you compromise and are there ways to have not intercourse intimacy if you both want and are comfortable with it.

Listening with empathy on both sides is the key forward rather than the usual 'leave the pervy bastard' type responses as presumably you dont want to break up over this.

Anyway, the usual coolwives and apologists for online prostitution have turned up to defend creepy men, and make themselves feel better about their husbands being perverts addicted to online prositution.

So, I'll be off.

Anyway, OP, he lied. He didn't have to. He doesn't need to watch online prostitutes, at all, nobody does. He can just wank off if he feels the urge, like normal people do.

The question is what are you going to do about the creepy, lying pervert?

I'm extremely single, but carry on your fantasy!

I say this really gently, but I think you might be unrealistic to expect your husband to abide by the rules. I don't generally like it and I don't think it's right, I understand completely where you're coming from.. but the reality is a lot of men like porn and masturbating. It's a physical release. I get why it feels disrespectful particularly if you've recently had a baby.

If this was me.. I'd give my other half a little more space and turn a blind eye to what my partner did in his own space as long as it was hidden. If you make a big issue out of it, it might not stop him doing it, he will possibly keep it more hidden and then it will feel more secretive if caught. If he is a good man in all the over ways I would personally let it go for the time being. You're both adjusting to a lot of change with a new baby.

Some of these replies are wild. 😂

People who defend their use of porn, or their partner's use of porn, never admit that they are participating in the abuse of women, they always just focus on their own sexual gratification as if that justifies the trafficking.

I'm amazed how many women support this.

It just really must suck to know that if you don't have access to visual electronic devices so you can watch other people have sex, you can't orgasm. How terribly restrictive for you!

And excluding 'watching other people have intercourse' from the list of things you can do while self-stimulating really isn't very limiting, trust me. But then, I suppose considering your issue is a lack of imagination, it's not very surprising you don't understand that!

Of course most men watch porn! I don't say that from a place of pearl clutching, but as a realist. Men who don't watch porn are very clearly and obviously in the minority

I also don't think every man who watches porn is 'vile' and deserving of a firing squad

Yes, it's a shame you don't get it.

Not ignorant. Just dismissive. Cave painting are nowhere near in the same league as hardcore live-action porn, and may not have even been used as masturbatory material (certainly, it's really not very sexy).

No need to feel sorry for me, I’m more than fine thanks. And you’re being extremely limited, as if people don’t find a whole range of different things stimulating. It’s pointless having this chat though, people tend to get it or they don’t.

They don't 'need the visual'. If that were the case no man would be able to masturbate without porn. It might help them but it's not a 'need'.

Also, if they aren't horny in the first place why do they need to look at porn. And if they are horny in the first place then, again, why do they need to look at porn. It's just an excuse.

No, her comment about the cave drawing was perfectly fair.

You do sound very much like you're defending online prostitution, so you should stop doing that since you claim you're not.

And nobody needs online prostitution to wank. HTH.

This probably isn’t the best place to post as the majority of Mumsnet posters seem to think that all men need porn in order to survive and any woman who thinks her husband doesn’t watch porn is fooling herself. 🙄

I think you need to say to him exactly what you’ve posted: that you feel hurt, that you’re also affected by the lack of sexual intimacy, and that you feel like you can’t trust him. Make it clear that you need support and reassurance from him.

Majority? Perhaps, at least over an entire lifetime - but some men are actually decent people. Maybe not a high percentage, to be fair, but certainly a large minority.

I wasn't defending it, I was just pointing out that for some, they need the visual and being snarky about the quality of the cave stuff is dismissive and makes you sound a bit ignorant.
Again, I'm not defending it.

Drawings and written literature are not using physical human bodies, they rely on imagination, which is fine.

Of course hes been watching porn the whole time. The majority of men do, some women are just gullible to believe their man husband doesn't.

This is simply not true. We're not all simpletons walking around with fairy dust between our heads and unaware of the man we shared vows with just because that's what you want to believe. If your man is looking at porn, that's sad for you, but it's not a problem we share.