AIBU to feel hurt after husband broke our no-porn agreement?

I think part of that is the weird stuff they watch (and women who watch porn are included in that, as if they watch porn it's often very violent or degrading, I presume due to internalised misogyny or trauma). These days, apparently even the vanilla porn is overwhelmingly the faux incest of the 'step' variety, and there's a host of reeeeally weird stuff that men watch - escalation over time means they need to keep upping how extreme it is, so they can get into quite gross territory pretty quickly.

The other thing these days is that a lot of men don't watch porn to masturbate to - they just have it open on a second monitor while they work from home, and just look at it now and then as entertainment. It's really bizarre.

The "agreement" was meaningless to him, as it would be to the vast majority of blokes. He never stopped watching it.

I just don't think it can be true that they can't. Do we think that before widespread print media, men just didn't masturbate? It's hard to actually find this out from the historical record, as men don't exactly write it down, but I just can't believe it.

OTOH framing it as "we both agreed that we shouldn't watch porn" feels dishonest. There's obviously some variation with the people involved, but in 9 cases out of 10, the man is giving up more than the woman with this agreement. It's absolutely fine if OP wants that as an agreement, but I think the both sides framing is a little dishonest.

Not all sex has to be P in V. There are alternatives that can satisfy both whilst leaving out the part that hurts. I quite like men 'sorting themselves out' if i can be involved.

I think that wanking off to potential rape is not the behaviour of a decent person, no. Obviously everyone has good points and bad points, and no one is a monolith, but to get sexual satisfaction by watching dehumanising content that could be coerced/rape is not the behaviour of someone with moral integrity.

That doesn't mean they're '100% of a dick', but it does mean that they're severely lacking in decency in regards to that, so not a decent person, overall.

You honestly believe that watching porn and being a 'decent person' are mutually exclusive?

I don't like porn, I think it's problematic for a number of reasons. I also think it's over the top and wildly judgemental to suggest that no one who watches porn, something that is very normalised within our society, can possibly be a good person.

The drop in usage when viewers had to register their details to watch tells us that men know full well it's not ok. Why else wouldn't they want their details known, if there's nothing to be ashamed of? And no way is it to do with security risks or fear of identity theft because they will be signing up to a ton of other sites without qualms.

Someone mentioned ‘ethical porn’. What is this please and how is it identifiable. (I guess the answer to the first question might inform
the second)

It never stopped.

I think this is part of the issue for me (along with the obvious ethical concerns) where the lines become more blurred when 'everyone watches porn' is mentioned. What is now defined as 'porn' and what is more than that? Surely everyone has a different line and this needs to be agreed to to understand? Porn is no longer watching an unknown person or 'celebrity' in a scene, I feel it is much more personal now. Porn can be defined as wanking off to explicit social media posts, following the person with the option to messege the person. It can be joining in with a reddit thread where someone shares explicit photos. Where is the line between 'porn' and 'sexting?'.

It's not about what he does with his body. OP hasn't objected to that.

It's the moral and ethical mismatch of values. OP thought she and her husband shared a view that matters to her and now she's found they don't, and it's compounded by his sneakiness and deceit at a time when she needs his support and to be able to trust him.

Agree! And I get you with the fan fiction 😏 It's the best smutty romance out there.

Agreed. I masturbate, although I haven't had sex since before DS was born. I use my imagination. I used to read a lot of erotica too (mostly fan fiction, although I did know someone who had written and published erotica and I have some of her books.) DS was conceived the old fashioned way (sex) although I have one friend who's DD was conceived via sperm donor/artificial insemination.

Who on earth is pretending sex is a male thing, or cringing at the idea of sex??

That's a very good question. No, I think that would cross a huge boundary for most people using OF. FWIW I really loathe porn and anything like that especially as I get older. I don't know how we go about making porn less normalised. I hope it's true that the younger generation of men are not watching it as much and so hopefully less in demand.

Well obviously we do, no tattoos or piercings (other than ears) until 18, no sex until 16, etc etc. (I could go on.)

I police what my DS watches, and I'm sure you'd be up in arms if I was showing him (a two year old) porn.

Nobody is “cringing at the idea of sex”. Some of us are cringing at the conflation of masturbation and pornography.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. You aren't saying he shouldn't masturbate, so all the posters saying "what's the poor man to do with less sex?" are irrelvant.

He agreed not to do something and he did it. He can manage fine without it it really isn't a hardship.

You have had 9 months of being pregnant and then the labour and recovery. Your body has performed miracles and been through trauma. I'm sure he could manage to pleasure his without porn but he chose to watch it.

Yanbu OP. It's a betrayal, you both agreed this was something that was not okay within the relationship just like any other boundary and he went and stomped on it. My husband and I have the same boundary and he is very aware if he crossed it they'd not be a relationship anymore.

I listen to a podcast, the actress was heavily addicted to cocaine since starting in the industry.
In one scene deep throat she passed out, the camera was redirected to all lower half, the actor too, while she was unconscious.
Reading about the huge sex trafficking rings around the world, it can’t be separated from what’s happening on screen.

What exactly is ethical porn? Unless you mean written erotica, there's always a chance someone has been coerced into something.

So would you be okay with him paying to chat to a woman on Only Fans while he masturbates to her? Is that private? Where do you draw the line? It's okay to draw it at 'no porn ever'.

I think it depends on what it is. Cheating is obviously off limits unless agreed otherwise. Personal 'bathing time' as I see it is more of a private thing. I can't and don't want to police that. If the bathroom door is closed, it's closed! I wouldn't even want to know!

Sadly these threads attract posters who cringe at the idea of sex, and like to pretend sex is a male thing (and try to shame women at the same time).

Of course you had a baby and sex is the very last thing on your mind. I am more puzzled by women who want to have sex very soon after the birth. Just going to the loo is a mission, and something most of us dread, but sex?

That said, a partner (male or a lesbian partner, it doesn't matter) masturbating when their other half needs time and space? Such a non issue. They're not having an affair.

Also, a lot of men don't like watching other men having sex even if it is consensual. If they want sex, they can just go and ask for it like an adult.

All of this, "all men do it," stuff is just so lame.

It's like the 1950s equivalent of "all men cheat" or "all men beat their wives" so we should just accept it and turn a blind eye.

Roast beef, anyone? Starters? Martinis? Oh, don't mind that black eye. That was given to me when I asked about my DH's mistress! I know I shouldn't have asked, silly me, all men cheat. That's what everyone tells me! Refill your drink?

Well, I'm afraid that isn't going to happen and women like me will continue to not allow the normalisation of porn under the guise of "all men and even women" trope.

I'm very happy to see that the OP has taken a stance against it because she's being honest to herself, her partner and others about the damage that porn causes.

Firmly on her side about this and firmly believe it can and will be overcome. Rooting for you, OP! Don't let society normalise abuse within your marriage and via the porn industry!

I'm off for a cuppa ❤