AIBU to feel hurt after husband broke our no-porn agreement?

So feminists don't watch porn? Whatever. A survey this year said 44% of women use porn. Automatically not feminists? And that doesn't even include the swathes of women who consume non visual porn (erotic books, manga etc).

That's really very prudish, quite genuinely.

Porn being freely and widely available to satisfy (mostly) men's desire to watch people have (often rough and degrading) sex for money has influenced wider society negatively, driving up the rate of harmful sexual practices, and making it very difficult to prevent children and young people from being exposed to porn, and impossible to protect them from attitudes informed by porn.

I am not defending porn, I am not even sure Bonnie Blue or Lily Phillips don't need serious help and BBC or Netflix are not part of the problem there,

but come on, the OP's husband watching porn is completely unrelated to a 9 year old! Me getting drunk this weekend has no impact either.

Now it might have an impact on MY kids, and that's my problem, but absolutely not on anyone else.

Porn and prostitution are older than the Bible, I can't see how they would suddenly disappear

My god I wish I had the capacity to worry about my husband’s masturbatory habits. What he does in private is his lookout, as long as he’s not cheating and it doesn’t affect my sex life.

That would make you a self absorbed person. If we all only cared about things that directly affected us then where would society be.

It is on screen rape, vulnerable women trafficked or addicted, how could that have no impact on you whatsoever? You may not be watching it but you know that it is happening and don’t find it disgusting.

I do think the vast majority of men watch porn. The most recent anonymous study I can see, for the UK, found 82% of men do - and that might not capture everything one might consider porn, and its well known that, even in anonymized surveys, socially undesirable habits tend to be underreported.

No doubt, there must be some men that do not view porn - but if you believe your partner is not one of them, it is much more likely that you are being misled than it is that they are telling the truth.

You might be right, but people are going to be skeptical, since most women who believe their partner does not view porn are being lied to.

My app is mega glitchy/can't edit so i might not be able to type properly but ill try.

I'm afraid you've picked the wrong person here. I help counsel porn addicts. I am impacted.

One of the youngest was 9 years old. First saw it on his dad's phone when he didn't know he was looking. The dad had no idea. Another saw on a bus drivers phone. Their parents would of said at one time they were not impacted by pornography
pornography. A b

People watching pornography definitely impacts others. No one can say with 100% certainty that they are not impacted by pornography. There are so many ways in which you might not even realise.

It does have an impact on me because I am a feminist, and anything that is detrimental to women is detrimental to me.

Have the people defending porn use actually looked at the popular porn sites within the last 10 years? If you're imagine soft focus shots of Sam Fox rubbing her boobs or a couple or a few people having passionate sex that appears consensual, then think again.

The most popular stuff on all front pages is all about force, violence, simulated (or not) pedophilia, abuse, choking, spitting, incest, degradation and the sexualised use and abuse of women and girls. Look for yourself (or read the studies if you have more sense).

Are they wading through the suggestions to get to non abusive/illegal looking stuff? Maybe, but maybe they are instead reinforcing misogyny in their brain one wank at a time. And the non disgusting stuff is still paid prostitution/rape at the end of the day and the psychological effects of of porn actors (men and women) is very well documented.

I am aware of 'ethical porn' but how can you ever really know? Loads of people active in the sex industry report they are happy with it when they are in it, later the tales of coercion, abuse, drug use come out.

Written or drawn stimulation (depending on what it depicts - reinforcing pedophilia etc is not ok) is great.

Wanking and sex is fun...porn with real humans rots your brain, contributes to misogyny, abuse, crime and more. If you can turn a blind eye while knowing he consumes that behind the bathroom door then shame on you - weak and desperate behaviour.

I don't believe every man does it but I'd never risk it.

OP - I'd be dreadfully hurt but you know your boundaries - 'allowing' himself to be caught is either another layer - either he wanted you to know (I won't speculate why) or he's dumb and too desperate to wank.

well it has no impact whatsoever on you or me if someone is watching porn (in his own home, not the workplace)

Smoking or vaping impacts me. Porn? No.

It's quite baffling that so many feel a man's access to pornography should trump everything else. Like it's oxygen how could he possible live without it. What a damaging reductive view.

I meant more the last paragraph.

He happily agreed to not watch porn 9 years ago. Tbh I think most men would just go along with it and agree.

I dont see the issue him fulfilling his needs but there a time and place. Whole your in the house with baby isnt one of them

You're really defending a group of men watching porn at work?

Bloody hell unclench. 😂

@OtterlyAstounding I know someone who was in the staff room at work and realised the group of men huddling round a phone were watching porn. When she called them out on it the shits asked her if she had "seen something she should have?" Like it was her fault for looking - they were trying to intimidate her. She
had to lodge complaints more than once about them and they work in a very professional (or should be) setting and often with vulnerable people and have a lot of responsibility.

It's bloody everywhere and I'm sick of it. If I see one more music video where she's just about in her underwear and he's wearing everything he owns and dressed for the Arctic...

This is a very odd thread
I'm assuming it's because it's the summer holidays..
But anyway
Porn is out there ,it's always been out there ..not all women in porn are trafficked
Or abused ..lilly Phillips..bonnie blue ..the women desperate for a session with girthmaster .. clearly lots choose to partake in this .
It's up to the police to to prosecute where abuse has taken place
Men are going to seek it out ...before the net it was top shelf mags ..
Porn moves with the times
Having it as a non negotiable in a marriage,is a quick way to a divorce..
But if that's the ops line in the sand ..so be it ..

Is this a joke? I'm going to assume this is a joke.

This. Stop being so pathetic and selfish and self absorbed.

Is it so normal to watch porn these days that you have to have an agreement not to?

We all have boundaries. It's not about what we let our partners do, as they're adults with bodily autonomy, it's about what we'll stick around for, but in essence the result is the same - 'if you want to be in a relationship with me, you can't do x, as that's a deal breaker for me'. Then your partner has to decide if being with you, or doing x is more important.

He’s lied- he’s a wanker(in both senses of the word). I can understand why you’re hurt.
You say lack of sexual intimacy for 4 months, you’re probably exhausted from the newborn, in pain from the vaginal massacre and plate size wound inside you, and have a husband who has probably pestered you also. He’s feeling hard done by cause he is a dick, and unless he had a gaping wound on the end of his penis that stung like a bitch every time he pees/has sex, he’ll never understand how you are feeling.
All that said, have you tried to have sexual intimacy without penetration? Have you discussed it with a gp in case there is something not quite healed correctly? Have you used plenty of lube and do you completely trust your husband to listen to you during sex(this is the main point!), or is he selfish? It’s been years since I had kids but I remember being petrified of having sex after each one after the stitches had gone, but I trusted my husband to listen to me, and it wasn’t comfortable to begin with, but did get better.

Also, the poster who said she only watches “ethical porn” made me spit my tea out!! Made me think all her sex toys are probably made out of renewable ethically sourced wood! 😂😂

I’m sorry what?! Obviously it’s different when it’s a CHILD! The OP is talking about her husband! What a bizarre comparison.

If he watched porn before your relationship, he's going to continue doing it once in a relationship. It's up to you if you can tolerate it or not. But for me, it would be a divorce offence. That's how much I'm personally against pornography. It's disgusting and I couldn't find a "man" attractive that jerks off to videos. It's really emasculating and off-putting. Gross.