AIBU to help pay for my niece's private school fees?

Personally, I think if your niece was living 50/50 with their Dad and his step kids (are they married?), then the answer would be no, as you need to treat all those in the family unit in the same way and if you are treating your niece in one way, then you should treat your steps in the same way too.

But if niece does not live there and Dad and his new partner are not married, then its up to you. He has not make an official lifelong commitment to his stepkids so they aren't really official stepkids and they have a Dad to help somewhere presumably. You are not covering the full fees, just helping to make it more manageable for your ex SIL.

My only fear would be that at some point in the future, your brother may come knocking for help with his stepkids too. So its important to make it clear you are just top up and not paying the fees.

I think he would find it morally hard to say "no" to his bio child being sent to a private school that is well suited to her, he would be denying her a good chance and that is not what parents are meant to do.

Given you aren’t therefore paying towards school fees, but hobbies etc you do need to decide asap if you will do this for any future dcs your brother has (either with his current partner or a future one). He may reasonably say no to a child he has with his current partner going to a private school if he can’t afford to send his step-kids, but hobbies and activities are different. I would assume there would be an expectation that you would treat any other DNs the same way as your current DN.

This thread is refreshing in a way.

On the step parenting forum step parents are often berated because they don't insist that all of their families must treat their step-children exactly the same as blood relatives, even if they barely know them. To not do so is unspeakably cruel.

I have long suspected that most people don't actually believe this but just like to use it as a stick to beat step mothers with. The responses to this thread align with my suspicions. Actually most people are fine with treating step-children of family members differently.

I think you sound an absolutely lovely auntie and I’d play it down and say her mother is paying most of it and you’re just helping with a bit of uniform and afew books to cushion it a bit (not that you should have too)

Your brothers new wife’s kids are not your concern whatsoever.

Do you think the child’s Mother would agree to her 3rd child being treated differently to her first 2? I would put money on it that she would not….

I would also nearly bet that when the father/brother is due to pay something for his first child, his 2nd wife will remind him that the child’s mother has more than enough funds to pay for private education and it will be raised time and time again, all because a loving aunty wants to assist her niece.

Have you mentioned to him that it's 'not fair' to her that she has a crap, uninvolved dad who doesn't prioritise her wellbeing?

Op, if your brother has another child with his new partner would you also pay for them?

Agree. And I would be keeping a sharp eye out that your niece isn’t disadvantaged further by her father and his wife to ‘make up for it’ with the other kids.. I would almost put money on it this will occur.

I know it is not the point of your thread, OP, but your brother is a twat.

@Changingusernameforthis Honestly, what's "unfair" about her Mum paying all the school fees for her daughter?! He's so illogical.

Great outcome.

Parents don't have rights independently, any 'rights' they do have are to fulfil their responsibilities to their children. OP, I'd entirely ignore your brother here and treat your relationship with your niece and her mother independently. Your brother doesn't sound like a sufficiently involved parent, who prioritises her best interests, that he really gets to have a say in much to do with her.

The thing I'd focus on is continuity of education for your niece. Are you comfortably off or would you be contributing up to the limit of what you could afford? If your niece starts at this school, she really ought to be able to finish her education there if at all possible, especially if she's had bullying issues at school in the past. Moving a child who is potentially fragile due to past experiences from a settled environment is something that should be avoided if possible. So in your position, I'd check with your ex SIL that she's reasonably confident that she could afford the fees for the whole time (factoring in increases and extras), with the amount you're willing to contribute, and I'd offer less than you would actually be willing to give to 'build in' some leeway.

What happens if your brother stops your niece from going to private school due to his step children and not being able to send them then 18 months down the line they split up and he never sees the step kids again? Your niece has lost out on the opportunity due to her Dad prioritising children who are no longer apart of the family.
Obviously this is just a possibility but it's worth him considering, you never know what is going to happen in life.

I would be concerned about future children on both sides and make it clear now that this offer is for neice alone so they can take that into consideration

Your brother 'moved on ' quickly after the split, who's to say that in two years time there may be another partner another set of stepkids! Whereas your neice will always be your neice. If you and your husband want to gift money to friend, not your business if she happens to spend it on neices education.

I do think though OP you need to have your brother on side for this, and you do need to talk round issues like, what if he and his new partner have a child ? What if his ex has another child with someone else?

the problem with blended families is they can get complicated, right now you have one DN, who has a single parent who’s a high earner. This may well change.

(This is even before you consider how you would change your view of your brother’s step children if he was to adopt them. Do you as a couple only see blood family as family or accepted adopted children as family? There’s not a “one size fits all” view on this and you and your dh need to be in the same page about fairness and this.)

My stepmother stopped my brother from going to the grammar school he was offered a place at, because her daughter ( in the same class at primary school) didn’t get in. We only found out later by accident. I don’t know if my father knew at the time, but I do know it meant my brother did not receive a good education and it has had lifelong effects. It still comes up now, 50 years later.
OP, your niece has been disadvantaged by her parents splitting up, and it’s pretty shocking that she is sadly not her father’s priority anymore. If you can help out, that would be a lovely thing to do, assuming that you can afford to make this a long term commitment.

I think it's a lovely thing to do for your niece. Education and the environment they spend their secondary school years in are so vitally important.

It might be worthwhile pointing out to your brother that his daughter is always going to be treated differently than her step mother’s own children who I presume live with him full time.

so there’s the starting point, those kids see him more than his own daughter.

who has the better bedrooms in their house? My guess it would be the children who live there full time.

with the other children’s adult relatives, does your niece receive birthday and Christmas gifts the same as they do?

Does their father buy your niece presents or take her out? I bet your brother certainly does with his wife’s children.

so it is always going to be different for your niece and being a decent parent means we should hope that our children have better opportunities and a future than we had/have.

the above is where I would go with the conversation. If your niece’s mum is happy for you to contribute and you can, good job !

YANBU What a lovely thing to do for your friend and your niece.

I'd ignore your brother, and do it anyway, and either be honest with him about it, or keep it from him to avoid any future issues (such as him asking you for money if he has a child with this new partner of his).

I think it's unfair of him for his child to not get this opportunity just because his new partner has children who are fathered by someone else!

Good for you & your husband, you sound like a lovely friend and Auntie/Uncle!

@listentoheart I don't know the legalities, but one of my friends sent her children to a private school and has paid all the fees. I think her ex still had to sign some paperwork though.

He likes to give the impression to other people that he's contributing, but he's not!

The brother appears to have no interest in the child’s schooling and is objecting to the private school on the grounds that his SC won’t be able to go so his partner will be pissed off. The OP and her DH have their niece’s best interests at heart unlike her own father.

Yes absolutely all of this.

As others have said it's your money and his stepchildren are NOT your relatives.

I don't even get his mentality, so his partner will be upset that you paid for his other daughter's tuition even though they are not his children or your niece or nephew???