Guests bring their own lunch

Good for you OP I agree with you. Your now ex-friends are either extremely rude, mean as hell or mad. Were you tempted to say "what sandwich have you made for me?"

This sounds like the type of thing my brother and wife would do. It’s not meant maliciously, they are just tactless. They would be mortified if they realised they had offended someone. I’d give your friends the benefit of the doubt.

I haven't read the whole thread, I have mentioned that I may have similarly got the wrong end of the stick (from the semantics) being autistic, so hopefully it wasn't my post that people are interpreting as suggesting that the friend might be autistic. Given the follow up post from OP, it certainly does sound as if the friend was fully in the picture, which I didn't pick up from the original post. She certainly didn't pick up on the cues that it was a bad time to visit in the first instance.

Please excuse my social ineptitude OP 😏

And I suspect she thought she was doing @thevoiceofreasoning a HUGE favour by visiting:

"Oh, @thevoiceofreasoning must be lonely, all that recovering by herself. She's sure to enjoy us visiting. We'll cheer her up."

Their presence was your present, OP.

Yes I agree... it wasn't a conscious plan to taunt you with the picnic food... and yet...it felt to me like she thought you hadn't delivered what she saw as your part of the bargain and so she was sticking closely to the terms of the new agreement.
The individual packaging just seems a bit pre meditated.

I don't know why but this has really struck a chord with me in dealings with extended family

Obviously it's all baffling, even if they had somehow got it into their heads that they were just saving you trouble by bringing their own lunch and didn't consider bringing more to share. I have sometimes felt wrongfooted about when you're meant to bring something and when not (though never in a situation like this!). But I can't understand why, when they saw you didn't in fact have your own lunch ready, that they didn't then offer to share or at the very least offer to get you something, even if it was to get you your own food. How on earth could they not even ask if they could make your toast for you?

Obviously it's all baffling, even if they had somehow got it into their heads that they were just saving you trouble by bringing their own lunch and didn't consider bringing more to share. I have sometimes felt wrongfooted about when you're meant to bring something and when not (though never in a situation like this!). But I can't understand why, when they saw you didn't in fact have your own lunch ready, that they didn't then offer to share or at the very least offer to get you something, even if it was to get you your own food. How on earth could they not even ask if they could make your toast for you?

Some people on this thread have commented that she was good enough to travel and visit you but beware....some people only visit because it suits them. They are dead bored and can't entertain themselves.

I dealt with an energy vampire who used to call by...drain me of my energy, be nosy/ask a million questions, and eat anything in sight.

That's good to know....thanks for sharing :)

Agreed, my son is autistic and only 17 and he wouldn’t do this

It's just bloody unbelievable. I can't believe the poster who said you were mean for starting this thread owing to the fact that your "friend" might be autistic.....but surely one of 3 wasn't autistic and could see how totally bonkers and rude this was. I'm cringing with second hand embarrassment for them. Surely even an autistic person can see this is a total no-no?

I completely agree with all this. I think the phrase that goes something like ‘never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity’ is relevant here. Some people have invented all sorts of scenarios in their head about how the friend wanted revenge and set out specifically to upset the op through calculated sandwich making. I think she’s just thick.

I’m not sure how many other Scots are on here but this thread is giving me vibes of the Hogmanay episode of still game where Jack and Victor are at the country pub, the landlord asks them if they want some food and they pull out their own sandwiches

Yeah I mean she might have thought she was doing the op a favour visiting and saving her effort bringing their own lunch, but no one with any sense of manners fronts up to someone’s house, empty handed, and brings their own lunch then sits and eats it and leaves their dirty dishes, and thinks their mere presence is a gift.

She did drive 2 hours each way to see you, and you say that you never visit her. So maybe she sees the drive as the gift, if you see what I mean. Gas, effort, the stress of dealing with motorways, and so on. At the same time, you usually cook for her and her family when she visits, at your own expense.

To me, this incident gives the impression that she thinks she has generously graced you with her presence and generously allowed you to host her without doing any of your normal host "duties." She perhaps feels quite chuffed that she gave you some company with almost no effort on your part.

I think her social deficit here is not understanding that visiting a person who is ill, a person who has just had surgery, or a person who has just had a baby, is a different set of etiquette. When you are visiting such a person, you bring help. You do not burden them in any way. Leaving your dirty dishes by the sink for her to clean up (on! crutches!) is a faux pas. Bringing lunch for yourself but not for the ill person, especially when you have invited yourself and essentially done so over her protestations, is rude. Don't invite yourself to an ill person's house without bringing something to make their life better. Definitely don't make their life harder.

I also agree with the person upthread who speculated that when you said she is "sensitive" what she really is, is self-centered.

I agree with you, because it's the only thing that makes sense.
Because surely no-one could be that socially clueless, graceless and stingy?

I still can't believe they haven't just gotten the wrong end of the stick. Could they have assumed you weren't up to eating lunch? If they haven't it sounds like you should fade the friendship out. Could you not have explicitly asked them to share things out? I think I'd have done in the circumstances. They certainly shouldn't have come to you without a card and gift. It doesn't sound like there is a lot of give and take. Hope you are soon on the mend. Op.

That's why I think she couldn't comprehend why OP was saying she couldn't cater and thought its as easy to make a sandwich for us as it is for her.... took umbridge and thought, well if that's the case we will bring OUR lunch and just our lunch, if that's what she wants and she can eat her own.

She was making a point and the other's with her all knew that which is why no one else offered the OP anything. I think she seriously expected OP to have made her own lunch. But having got the hump and wanting to make her point, she wasn't going to offer anything. Its the individual packaging and catering for specific sandwich orders that makes me think this.

Just thoughtless, lacking in imagination/empathy, maybe dismissing surgery as only a minor thing due to lack of thought or knowledge (or interest), and then offended as she views the lunch issue as a favour withdrawn for no reason and was probably saying to her self ... "well I would'nt have offered to drive there if I'd know we wouldn't even get lunch. "

So she sees driving to you as a favour and lunch as a return favour from you, and regards you as not keeping your part of the bargain, hence the offence taken, and doesn't have the wit (or the kindness) to credit your reasons for not doing lunch that day.
Its transactional and passive aggressive. Especially as she more or less ordered you to eat your own lunch (so they didn't have to feel guility) and then sat there and watched you struggle to get to kitchen to make ... toast.

it says a lot about her character to do this

I realise this is pure speculation on my part tho.