Guests bring their own lunch

I know! Calling me mean for starting the thread is more offensive than the “friend” that didn’t bring lunch! Lol

Well upon reflection … although I’ve know them for a number of years I guess we are not that close for me to say “oi where’s mine?!’ Like I probably would if it had been my best friend who had done this (heaven forbid!) But I was really looking forward to some nice nibbles and snacks* and was just in disbelief when I saw she had only put out three plates! Then when she asked me what was I having, I was so unprepared for the question I just mumbled I’ll make some toast and hobbled into the kitchen to fling some bread in the toaster! 🤣

• I haven’t shared this part before because I thought people would surely think I’m making it up … but friend is actually a trained chef so I was really expecting a gourmet lunch! 😂

That's why I think she couldn't comprehend why OP was saying she couldn't cater and thought its as easy to make a sandwich for us as it is for her.... took umbridge and thought, well if that's the case we will bring OUR lunch and just our lunch, if that's what she wants and she can eat her own.

She was making a point and the other's with her all knew that which is why no one else offered the OP anything. I think she seriously expected OP to have made her own lunch. But having got the hump and wanting to make her point, she wasn't going to offer anything. Its the individual packaging and catering for specific sandwich orders that makes me think this.

Just thoughtless, lacking in imagination/empathy, maybe dismissing surgery as only a minor thing due to lack of thought or knowledge (or interest), and then offended as she views the lunch issue as a favour withdrawn for no reason and was probably saying to her self ... "well I would'nt have offered to drive there if I'd know we wouldn't even get lunch. "

So she sees driving to you as a favour and lunch as a return favour from you, and regards you as not keeping your part of the bargain, hence the offence taken, and doesn't have the wit (or the kindness) to credit your reasons for not doing lunch that day.
Its transactional and passive aggressive. Especially as she more or less ordered you to eat your own lunch (so they didn't have to feel guility) and then sat there and watched you struggle to get to kitchen to make ... toast.

it says a lot about her character to do this

I realise this is pure speculation on my part tho.

That is what I consider the most baffling aspect.
It's one thing to bring a few bowls of stuff and plate it up.

But she made such a point of wrapping it up in individual portions for three and also took home all the individual portions of fruit and yogurts that they didn't eat.

And sat there handed it out to the three lucky ones leaving the OP sitting there like a complete numpty, then instructed her to bring her own lunch. Even the thickest person watching the poor op struggling out to make some toast would have twigged or softened at that point. But she didn't. It's almost beyond insensitive, so it has to be deliberate.. but why? its baffling. As previously OP catered for them.

OP said this person is very oversensitive. I can only think that having said she'd drive to visit OP, she took offense when OP said she couldn't cater as usual and didn't have the brain capacity to put herself in the OP's shoes and realise what catering after surgery would entail, but couldn't see past that and felt a bit snubbed as if she'd been tricked into agreeing to a visit only to find out she was denied lunch, and thought. Right then. If I have to bring my own lunch, that is what I will do.. and that's why she made such a point of it?

It's such a very odd way to treat the OP. The worst part telling her to go and get her own lunch... I thought that was very clearly was implying that she thought if OP could make her own lunch, she could have made theirs. If that's the thinking, it was really passive aggressive. She just couldn't see past her own needs. And completely lacks empathy.

I wouldn't want to ever cook for them again.

I don't blame you OP for feeling that its not worth dealing with the drama at present. It's so tiring recovering from surgery without coping with someone crying at you and you just don't need it. You can always say it if the moment presents itself in the future. Wishing you a speedy recovery.

No, let them make the toast.

Next time they visit make them toast and serve yourself something really nice! 😂

Well upon reflection … although I’ve know them for a number of years I guess we are not that close for me to say “oi where’s mine?!’ Like I probably would if it had been my best friend who had done this (heaven forbid!) But I was really looking forward to some nice nibbles and snacks* and was just in disbelief when I saw she had only put out three plates! Then when she asked me what was I having, I was so unprepared for the question I just mumbled I’ll make some toast and hobbled into the kitchen to fling some bread in the toaster! 🤣

• I haven’t shared this part before because I thought people would surely think I’m making it up … but friend is actually a trained chef so I was really expecting a gourmet lunch! 😂

She did drive 2 hours each way to see you, and you say that you never visit her. So maybe she sees the drive as the gift, if you see what I mean. Gas, effort, the stress of dealing with motorways, and so on. At the same time, you usually cook for her and her family when she visits, at your own expense.

To me, this incident gives the impression that she thinks she has generously graced you with her presence and generously allowed you to host her without doing any of your normal host "duties." She perhaps feels quite chuffed that she gave you some company with almost no effort on your part.

I think her social deficit here is not understanding that visiting a person who is ill, a person who has just had surgery, or a person who has just had a baby, is a different set of etiquette. When you are visiting such a person, you bring help. You do not burden them in any way. Leaving your dirty dishes by the sink for her to clean up (on! crutches!) is a faux pas. Bringing lunch for yourself but not for the ill person, especially when you have invited yourself and essentially done so over her protestations, is rude. Don't invite yourself to an ill person's house without bringing something to make their life better. Definitely don't make their life harder.

I also agree with the person upthread who speculated that when you said she is "sensitive" what she really is, is self-centered.

Absolutely this.

They clearly like you well enough to make the effort (and pay petrol!) to drive 2 hours to see you and 2 hours home. I wouldn't drive for 4 hours with a 10 year old in tow unless it was someone very close to me.

Honestly OP, I think you are a bit mean to start a gleeful thread on MN about them.

Of course in their situation I'd have brought flowers, and lunch but my DD (who is Autistic) wouldn't have picked up on that expectation unless I'd told her.