Guests bring their own lunch

Yep, and there’s always a few weirdos on here who defend them too.

Well, I’m from an even more indirect culture, am also in my 50s and was brought up by a mother whose twin mantras were ‘No one likes a confident girl’ and ‘Your own needs are always last.’

Sorry they left their dirty plates for the convalescing post surgery host to wash up? Were they born in a barn!?

I am the Mark I "Gobby Middle Aged Woman", and still get the odd "Did that just actually happen?" moment that like you say, strikes you dumb!

I think that replying on a thread saying "I would have....you should have..." etc is so easy, but in the moment, you are so shocked your brain kind of 404's on you!

Please don't ever have them over at your house again. How awful.

I am, by anyone’s measure, no shrinking violet. I have no problems in calling out shit behaviour and I honestly don’t give two fucks what anyone might think of me. All that said, in ops situation, I think I might have been struck dumb! It is so far away from bloody normal, op is recovering from surgery, not at all at full throttle, faced with bloody weirdos. I can imagine being speechless.

Its more to do with being a woman. Sadly I (in my 50's) was brought up to not make a fuss, dont stand out, what will the neighbours say, put up with any old crap rather than speak out.

That stuff sticks when it has been hammered in to you as "manners" since you old enough to hear and not old enough to speak.

While I see what you are saying, the empire wasn’t exactly disseminated by women (bar a Queen or two from their ivory towers).

I can see that a selfish visitor could interpret your statement that you weren't up to preparing a meal for them at lunch as meaning you were capable of doing your own, but really it was incredibly rude to bring a picnic to eat at your table and not include you. Who on earth does that when visiting someone recovering from illness.

If you had been braver, I think you should have told them that as you had explained to them , you were not yet recovered enough to prepare a proper lunch and that you would need to wait until a family member called round with something for you.
All the toast did was made them think you hadn't got much of an appetite. They have managed to impose themselves on you, knowing you were not really up for a visit, and not even realise they have offended you by excluding you from their picnic in your own house, using your plates etc.

If it had been me visiting , I would have asked if a) you needed any shopping doing on the way, and b) whether you wanted to join in the picnic lunch, before I started getting the stuff out of the cool bag , and if you said yes, stretched it to serve an extra person.

I think I would have waited until they left before eating in the hope they got they got the message. Did they not even bring a packet of biscuits or a cake to share,?

Why didn’t you say that it was very rude of them to come over implying they’d bring lunch to you to help you post surgery and then only
feed themselves? People this idiotic sometimes need to have it spelt out to them when they’ve done something so thoughtless.

I think it is different in that they were at least physically capable of making food for themselves though.

I’m not British, though I lived in England for 20 years. I don’t recognise the fiesta of wet lettuce-ishness that is Mn in my English and Scottish female friends. Not blaming the OP here, as she’s convalescing from surgery which can make you feel like a limp rag, but as a general trend on here. If I were to judge by Mn, I would find it incredible you had an empire!

Wishing you a smooth recovery Op
What absolutely bonkers behaviour from them - makes absolutely no sense whatever way you cut it!

You didn’t invite them in the first place! When I had leg surgery, not even mobile (immediately got a clot, hope they gave you blood thinners!) I absolutely wasn’t up for visitors. I managed about 20 minutes of a colleague coming round.

They shouldn’t have come round, that was idiotic, but coming round would have meant bringing food/treats/flowers/a magazine like my colleague brought. She literally had a coffee then left again.

It makes sense to me. It's checking out how much further their rudeness extended.

User name checks out 😂

Send them a message thanking them for their visit and saying you really appreciated clearing up after them and washing their plates when they didn't bother to bring you any lunch.

But I'm petty.

But the problem is that in the moment you dont think to say that. We are conditioned (as women, and if you grow up in the UK) to "not make a fuss". Its like that moment of knowing you should have said to arsehole in the supermarket but 10 minutes too late!

I agree that calling them out on it is something that the OP should do.

It probably wont change them, but you never know, it might. I doubt that these CF bulldozers have only done this to the OP.

Still, you don’t bring a whole bunch of food and not think of the person you’re visiting. Especially if they made it clear they’re not up for hosting. In this situation I’d always assume they’re unable to get groceries and ask if they need something brought in, let alone ensure I have enough for lunch for them too!

I've had this happen to me and I was just as gobsmacked. I didn't bother seeing them again - they also left me to clear up the mess their children made when I could barely move or bend.
Some people are breathtakingly selfish.

I do hope you have a speedy recovery, OP.

In this case I don’t think even a preference for unambiguous, black and white instructions is the point. It’s not about processing information but more about a predisposition to thoughtful behaviour, to kindness.

They knew OP was severely hampered in terms of seeing to her own needs. Wouldn’t anyone counting themselves as old friends make a point of bringing her a few easy to handle treats, and MWable meals in particular?
These visitors didn’t think beyond their own needs on this visit, never mind ponder what would be of great help to OP.

Generosity of spirit is something one can learn, if it isn’t inbuilt during childhood.

I would disagree......clearly their "culture" is being a selfish cunt!

But that’s completely pointless. No point in seething in silent resentment at the time and then getting all brave and aggressive days later when it’s too late for the other person to resolve the situation.

The time to say it was at the time when the friend said ‘Aren’t you going to make yourself something and eat with us?’ To which the obvious reply is ‘Well, no, because I’m completely immobile, so I can’t. I understood you were bringing lunch.’