Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guests bring their own lunch

567 replies

thevoiceofreasoning · 09/08/2026 16:50

I have recently had surgery and I am pretty immobile … just about get around on crutches indoors. Friends (m and f married couple with 10 year old daughter) wanted to visit me at my home. I’m not really up to guests to be honest but they more or less invited themselves. I agreed and they said they would arrive around 11am and stay until about 3pm (they live a couple of hours drive away from me). Since this timing clearly spanned over lunchtime I thought it was only fair to warn them I wasn’t really up to making a meal for them, which is something I usually always do when they visit a few times a year. The wife says oh that’s not a problem we will bring something with us. i thought oh that will be nice … a bit of company and something nice to eat brought in!
Well they all arrived carrying big cool bag and busied themselves putting things in my fridge etc. We chatted for a while and then wife stood up and said she would fix lunch… checking with me where I kept my plates etc. whilst I remained sat in the lounge. When everything is plated … individual pots of salad, wrapped up sandwiches etc. kind of picnic style and she announced it was ready, I suddenly realised that she had only put out 3 plates for them and had not included me! She then turned and said ‘Oh are you going to make yourself something and join us?”
I was so shocked I just mumbled oh I will make myself some toast. And then sat there with them eating a couple of slices of toast whilst they had their individually plated picnic goodies! The funny thing is I truly believe they thought they were being considerate bringing their own food so I didn’t have to bother cooking.
I can sort of laugh about it but I am also gobsmacked they could think that was ok! However, now looking back I guess I did make an assumption that they would bring something for me to eat too. AIBU? Love to hear people’s thoughts on this!

OP posts:
Viperregency · 09/08/2026 20:22

thevoiceofreasoning · 09/08/2026 20:18

Thank you. I’m pleased you think it’s as bizarre as I do … I was sat thinking it over and I was beginning to wonder if I was overreacting … being unwell can take its toll! Especially as they sat there eating seemed totally oblivious as to how their behaviour could be interpreted as beyond selfish! I wouldn’t dream of visiting anyone in those circumstances without a full blown goodie lunch for all, flowers and a good book or a few magazines for them to read!

Show quote history

It’s so bizzare, if someone says I can’t cook you immediately say don’t worry we will bring lunch what would you fancy? You then bring too much food and something like a cake or box of chocolates for them.

Sitting there in someone’s home, eating the lunch you brought and not bringing anything for them, is outrageously bad mannered, as is not cleaning up after themselves.

did They even offer to make your toast for you?

Ethelspagetti · 09/08/2026 20:21

thevoiceofreasoning · 09/08/2026 20:20

Nope! They stacked the dishes by the sink but no offer to wash up!

Show quote history

I can’t believe they didn’t even wash up! That’s terrible 😢

Original poster
thevoiceofreasoning · 09/08/2026 20:20

Treemouse · 09/08/2026 20:09

multiple guests did this to me post c- surgery when they invited themselves round- I just don’t think people are that considerate anymore or take the time to think about what would help someone post surgery. Not having to think about, plan or prepare a meal when you are recovering is a massive help - even for just one meal. I really hope they at least had the decency to clean up after themselves OP.

Nope! They stacked the dishes by the sink but no offer to wash up!

OP posts:
Original poster
thevoiceofreasoning · 09/08/2026 20:18

Loub1987 · 09/08/2026 19:50

I think (and it says a lot) this is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever read in MumsNet. Who would go to someone’s house after surgery and firstly, not bring food but secondly eat lunch without them?! Sorry OP, hope you feel better soon.

Thank you. I’m pleased you think it’s as bizarre as I do … I was sat thinking it over and I was beginning to wonder if I was overreacting … being unwell can take its toll! Especially as they sat there eating seemed totally oblivious as to how their behaviour could be interpreted as beyond selfish! I wouldn’t dream of visiting anyone in those circumstances without a full blown goodie lunch for all, flowers and a good book or a few magazines for them to read!

OP posts:
OVienna · 09/08/2026 20:16

Your friends are totally bonkers.

Notavailabletryanotherone1 · 09/08/2026 20:13

Bless you, of course you made the assumption they would also provide lunch for you, anyone would have! Unbelievably rude not to have actually .

cornflakecrunchie · 09/08/2026 20:11

My God..
This is why I don't court 'friends' any more.
Been let down once too often!

Treemouse · 09/08/2026 20:09

multiple guests did this to me post c- surgery when they invited themselves round- I just don’t think people are that considerate anymore or take the time to think about what would help someone post surgery. Not having to think about, plan or prepare a meal when you are recovering is a massive help - even for just one meal. I really hope they at least had the decency to clean up after themselves OP.

Original poster
thevoiceofreasoning · 09/08/2026 20:09

WithoutABlush · 09/08/2026 19:47

That makes it even odder, then —as does the fact that they drove for two hours to see you when you were convalescing, which suggests they actually care about you!

Show quote history

Yes that is a good point! All very odd. But they did come out of their way to visit … they wasn’t calling in on their way to somewhere else.

OP posts:
MeridaBrave · 09/08/2026 20:06

So rude. Like unhinged rude.

i probably would have said, I’m on crutches I can’t make myself lunch, I didn’t ask DP/DH to leave me anything since I thought you were bringing lunch. Can you make me something?

graphista2 · 09/08/2026 20:04

Wow! Please learn the power of no! And glad to hear you aren’t staying friends with people who aren’t really friends!

“no that doesn’t work for me I am still recovering and very much not up to visitors will see you when I am fully recovered” arseholes! If you ARE insisting on visiting someone sick/recovering you bring a dish for you all to eat and stay an hour max!!

stuns me how oblivious people are to others lives and needs!

SparkyBlue · 09/08/2026 20:03

Arlanymor · 09/08/2026 16:56

Sounds like a lack of proper communication between you all to be honest. You said you couldn't make them lunch for them, they said they could bring lunch (you did say 'for them' in your post). Surgery totally messes up food schedules, so they could have assumed you were eating a specific diet and/or at specific times. They didn't ask - but neither did you clarify when you said you couldn't make lunch 'for them' whether or not the plan was to all eat together or not. They interpreted it in the way they did - doesn't make them mean - if it were me I would have brought more stuff for you, but to be honest I would have had the conversation with my mate. Not least because they might also want me to bring other stuff if they were a bit restricted to their home during recovery. But no one is the big bad wolf here - people just need to talk more effectively!

Edited

Even apart from the fact that the OP is recovering from surgery to turn up to visit someone who lives a couple of hours away without bringing something like a cake or biscuits would be unheard of in my own social circle/family. They were horribly inconsiderate and rude. Nothing to do with miscommunication

Ilovemyfam · 09/08/2026 19:57

I think their behavior is so odd that it is hilarious. I hope that they washed up. Oh wait - when they left did you find your toast-crumbed plate and buttery unwashed beside the sink ?

FormerlySpeckledyHen · 09/08/2026 19:56

I really hope these friends see this thread. Get well soon OP.

BobbysDazzler · 09/08/2026 19:55

I'm shocked! I wouldn't dream of behaviour like that!

I wouldn't even repeatedly turn up to a friends for them to cook all the time, I would offer to take us all out or get a takeaway in or something (assuming they were well) and in your case I'd have been feeding us all, washing up and leaving treats behind to make your next couple of days a bit easier!!

Ethelspagetti · 09/08/2026 19:55

Wow that’s so rude of them! Unbelievable! I personally wouldn’t have them over again! You’d think they’d be more considerate as you’ve had surgery! They don’t seem to care about you very much, which is sad.

Loub1987 · 09/08/2026 19:50

I think (and it says a lot) this is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever read in MumsNet. Who would go to someone’s house after surgery and firstly, not bring food but secondly eat lunch without them?! Sorry OP, hope you feel better soon.

WithoutABlush · 09/08/2026 19:47

thevoiceofreasoning · 09/08/2026 19:43

Oh thank you … sorry I missed that comment!
Well the wife is normally quite a sensitive woman and slightly overstrung if anything. This is why I was really shocked at the behaviour! I wouldn’t dream of taking a picnic to anyone’s house and not including them … even if they hadn’t just had surgery! It’s just so alien to me … but I honestly don’t think they realised they had done anything wrong. I’m just going to distance myself and certainly they will not be invited to my house again!

Show quote history

That makes it even odder, then —as does the fact that they drove for two hours to see you when you were convalescing, which suggests they actually care about you!

Speakeasier · 09/08/2026 19:47

WithoutABlush · 09/08/2026 19:38

Sure, but out of the three visitors, one was an adult woman, and one was a ten-year-old girl! Did they not get the memo about putting others first, don’t cause a scene etc? It sounds as if what ‘should’ have happened is that the visiting female friend realises in horror as she’s plating up that she should have brought lunch for the OP, gives her portion to the OP and sits there nibbling a lettuce leaf and claiming she isn’t hungry, or had felt a bit carsick etc.

Show quote history

It was a general conditioning for women. That doesn’t mean everyone experienced it. Some women were brought up to be selfish nobbers like the OP’s ex friend.

I have a mixture of friends: some are like me and have a life long battle to overcome their conditioning; some were brought up as princesses and don’t struggle to prioritise themselves at all and can be quite selfish and some are assertive but also generous and kind. But I would say more British middle aged women have experienced my kind of conditioning than happens in many other countries.

Chaarlene · 09/08/2026 19:44

Ha ha, I actually know people like this (in fact, if you hadn't said they have a 10 year old I would have thought they were the same family). The thing is, you think you are a bolshy stand-up for yourself kind of a gal, but when it happens, you are so gobsmacked you are kind of waiting for the penny to drop for them - and it just doesn't. Solidarity!

Original poster
thevoiceofreasoning · 09/08/2026 19:43

WithoutABlush · 09/08/2026 19:32

Let me point out that I specifically excluded you from the wet lettuce category earlier, OP. Surgery takes it out of you psychologically as well as physically. General anaesthetics (and I had three within the space of a few months the year before last) make me weirdly weepy for days, quite apart from whatever physical recovery is going on.

What are these people like usually, OP?

Show quote history

Oh thank you … sorry I missed that comment!
Well the wife is normally quite a sensitive woman and slightly overstrung if anything. This is why I was really shocked at the behaviour! I wouldn’t dream of taking a picnic to anyone’s house and not including them … even if they hadn’t just had surgery! It’s just so alien to me … but I honestly don’t think they realised they had done anything wrong. I’m just going to distance myself and certainly they will not be invited to my house again!

OP posts:
Zaza2020 · 09/08/2026 19:41

Funny how as humans we are all different. I'd never dream on doing that. In fact i'd go further than that and prepare a nice lunch for everyone. Selfish in my opinion.

WithoutABlush · 09/08/2026 19:38

Speakeasier · 09/08/2026 19:34

Exactly. Don’t cause a scene, put others first, prioritise men’s wellbeing and feelings, feel a bit crap about yourself so you never get above yourself, be polite to your elders, don’t speak until you’re spoken to and so on and on and on.

Show quote history

Sure, but out of the three visitors, one was an adult woman, and one was a ten-year-old girl! Did they not get the memo about putting others first, don’t cause a scene etc? It sounds as if what ‘should’ have happened is that the visiting female friend realises in horror as she’s plating up that she should have brought lunch for the OP, gives her portion to the OP and sits there nibbling a lettuce leaf and claiming she isn’t hungry, or had felt a bit carsick etc.

PoliteGreyDreamer · 09/08/2026 19:36

Oh god this thread is giving me flashbacks to coming home after giving birth. I had spent a week in hospital and my in laws insisted on turning up about an hour after we got home. They brought sandwiches for themselves, but not us...

Twinkylightsg · 09/08/2026 19:35

The 5 percent who said yabu are as batshit crazy as these people.