Teen daughter has come out gay

I think being happy, healthy and hopefully a good career that they enjoy is all we should hope for with children, whatever form that takes. Their sexuality shouldn't be anyones business.

Well, I was going to say that the world is a much more open place than it was 25 years ago, but having read this thread, perhaps I can see why OP was moved to cry. People calling heterosexual relationships "normal" relationships in relation to same-sex relationships! Wow.

OP - statistically, as a lesbian your daughter is far less likely to face intimate partner abuse. Plus she won't have to deal with the crap that comes with living with a man.

Personally (and yes, anecdotes isn't data, but...)the majority of lesbian couples over 35 that I know have children. The majority have been in their relationship for well over a decade. And overall they report far healthier, happier sex lives, and more equitable division of labour than friends in mixed-sex relationships.

I think the issue is that we still live in a society where heternormativity dominates - the majority of us still expect our children to be heterosexual, so it disturbs our expected vision of their lives as adults when they are gay. But you know your daughter is still your much-loved daughter, no matter who she brings home.

I will give you this little anecdote which made me feel really positive for all of our teenagers. At my son's recent Year 11 prom, the prom couple (traditionally Prom King and Queen) voted for by their peers was my friend's daughter and her girlfriend. 30 years ago, when I was at school, no one was even openly gay by the end of Yr11, and yet here their relationship is being openly celebrated in our rural community secondary school.

I hope your daughter has all the wonderful experiences that the teen years bring and your relationship continues to be one where she can talk to you so openly.

I don’t really understand the ‘probably won’t be having kids thing’. If current birth trends continue at LEAST 1 in 4 girls born now won’t be having children, regardless of sexuality, so it’s not a given anyway. Add to that plenty of gay and lesbian couples have families 🤷‍♀️

I'm Bi and never came out to my parents. It says a great deal about you that she felt comfortable enough to tell you.

There's nothing you really need to do differently just support her and be there for her.

Hand on heart I could not care less. I’ve not mourned a thing, I have not given it a moments headspace, I can’t stress enough what a non issue it is even for her grandparents and great grandpa.

Am glad your son had a good experience.
My child did not.
Came out in school and was very badly bullied (A well known London Academy). One of the things that happened was a group of kids were talking about taking him out the roof and throwing him off.
His life was made a misery and we had to pull him out of the school.
Saying “Get a grip” is quite a triggering thing to read, consequently.

Well that’s very nice for him and for you. My 18yo son is gay and has faced a huge amount of homophobia. To say that ‘nobody cares’ is ignorant and shockingly naive. For example, a woman barged between my son and his boyfriend when they were holding hands, breaking them apart, and told them they were disgusting. He was bullied so much at school that he left after his GCSE’s, even though he was offered a place to study for A levels. His sexuality is neither here nor there to me. It’s part of who he is. But his life has been harder thus far because of it. Just because your son’s experience has been fine, doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone else. Maybe you need to get a grip yourself.

My daughter is gay. I can hand on heart say I’ve never given it a moments thought. It just is what it is. I don’t care either way, I’m just happy she’s living her life. It occupies not a nano second of my thoughts. There is nothing you need to do. She has experienced no discrimination and has met some lovely and not so lovely girls. Same as if she were straight

Totally disagree with this.

She might have cried in just the same way if her daughter had come to her and said she'd lost her virginity to a lad.

It seems more that the crying is an outpouring of emotion about her child growing into an adult, and the concerns she has around that. She doesn't have any issue with her child's sexuality of itself.

If her daughter was straight, she might fear teen pregnancy, physical abuse etc.

With her daughter being gay, she might fear a harder route to pregnancy, homophobic treatment from others etc.

All legitimate fears of a doting mother.

There's also an enormous difference between being homophobic and worrying for someone because of the challenges they may face as a result of being gay. I think to ignore those potential challenges / difficulties is ridiculously ignorant and also pretty offensive to gay people who face those challenges / difficulties.

A conversation I had with my cousin and his husband, some years ago, about travel, has always stuck with me. We were talking about potential holiday plans and he started going through countries they'd like to visit but have to avoid due to their sexuality and the laws in those countries. I love my cousin and his husband dearly and I was simply just incredibly sad for them. It genuinely affected me and I had a bit of a cry about it later on. Not because I'm homophobic and have a problem with them being gay but because I was so upset that their experience of the world is different to mine purely because they love each other, rather than women.

They've recently had to move to a new neighbourhood because, despite being in an affluent blue state, they found their children were being excluded from parties, play dates etc as a direct result of the children's peers' parents being homophobic.

do you have children?

This is a really good point. It can be emotional in a way that your dc being heterosexual isn't because there is never that moment of declaration - with all that says about imminent adulthood etc.

If it were customary - and it might soon be - for dc to some out as straight, there would be an inherent emotionality around that moment too. Like leaving nursery, or school leaver's assembly etc. Parents often shed a tear at weddings.

You know, i was actually quite relieved when my d introduced me to her girlfriend. In her early teenage years she'd had some horrible experiences with boys (trying to fit in i guess) a couple of young men should really be behind bars.

My ex, who is a horrible man, actually agrees with me (probably the only thing we've ever agreed on)

Im actually really happy my girl is lesbian in truth.

Are you living under a rock?! I'm not gay, and as far as I know, my kids aren't as they''ve always been with the opposite sex. Even I know and have seen the amount of abuse people get online for mentioning the fact, or even in RL bigoted attitudes still exist!

I think it's the 'shock' part that was the issue.

It was not uncommon in the 20th century for children to be brought up be two women often as a result of war.
Perhaps OPs tears were because her daughter is at the next stage of growing up ready for the move away.

What music is that? Do you think 'they' only listen to YMCA?!

Because no one had any idea at all! she is in her 20s and never really had a boyfriend and never expressed her attraction to girls. We’re a very close family.

I'm embarrassed for you bringing up grand children in reference to a 15 year old child in the first place. Women, gay or straight, aren't breeding machines.

I always make a point of saying girlfriend or boyfriend around my ds. He’s now at the point where he’s rolling his eyes at me!

I would assume he was interested in girls and you could knock me over with a feather if he turned out to be gay. But he’s very aware I accept him whatever. But yeah, I’m allowed a moment of surprise.

Not deliberately disingenuous but I accept that it must be harder to tell with some teens than with others. They tend to drop heavy hints in their selection of cultural material, particularly music.

My daughter came out as gay when she was 18. Honestly if I had scrutinised the signs I would maybe have picked it up earlier. Six years down the road (she is still with the same partner and we are all happy for them) .

I feel that this is a different sort of coming out. My DS is gay but not trans, so isn’t looking at hormone treatment or surgery. He’s not rejecting his birth identity. There is a lot more to consider with a trans child than with a gay child.

If any of my teens came out as gay I’d be shocked. No issue. But sometimes you know and sometimes you don’t. You’re being disingenuous.

Why was it a shock to find out your niece is a lesbian?

My stepdaughter came out as Trans a few years back. Heartbreaking and disappointing, particularly for her mum, but as long as 'he's' happy, that's all that counts for us in the end...