Teen daughter has come out gay

Twenty odd years ago, my mum cried when I told her I am gay. She was mortified as she wanted to be supportive. She was just worried though as she didn't know what my life would look like and felt sad for the future relationship she thought we would have.

Now I have been married for over a decade and in a relationship for two decades. She has two beautiful grand children and sees me live a life that makes me very happy.

You are allowed to have your own feelings about this. Don't be hard on yourself - your daughter has had longer to process this and your response to her was perfect.

OP I think you handled it well. And it's good she was comfortable confiding in you

And, rightly or wrongly, life is generally easier for people who conform to social norms

And it's easier for a woman to get pregnant if she's having sex with a man

And we all want our children to be safe, happy and have an easy life

So, i understand why you were upset

My advice =

(1) I wouldn't make a big issue of it, same way you wouldn't make a big deal if she told you she was straight

(2) not popular on here, but i do suspect some teens think they're gay because they feel more comfortable around people of their own sex. As they grow older, their views may change. I know several people who thought they were gay as teens but ended up in relationships with people of opposite sex

(3) don't make an issue of it. It's not positive or negative

(4) be open minded and supportive

Good luck

OP, by no means a given, as all women are subjected to male violence regardless of who they are sexually attracted so, and some women are of course capable of abusive behaviour- but one upside i would be pleased about is that your daughter is less likely to be subject to the vagaries of male entitlement/dominance/misogynistic attitudes in her romantic relationships. You see those behaviours hundreds of times a week on mumsnet. Like I say before anyone gets upset, abuse, or merely just being an arse, happens in same sex female women-loving-women relationships but so much less prevalent. I would be celebrating this if I were you 😍

@Skippyasyermuni · Yesterday 22:25
Ah, so if she has sat you down and said, “mum, I’m straight,” then you’d have had a cry and been worried?

This comment is honestly as daft and pointless, as when a woman posts to say she is worried about her husband's close friendship with a younger woman at work, and them messaging each other regularly, and her not being involved in the friendship at all, and someone saying 'would you care if his friend was a man OP?'

An 'off the charts' daft comment.

This is brave @Theworldsgonemadagain
You’ll get absolutely flamed but I think many people share your view; and I think even more have concerns at the impact on children of having same sex parents. I think it’s accepted that two (decent) parents of opposing sexes is the ideal for a child to develop; I don’t think we know what the impact is or isn’t of having children in same sex marriages. I get the impression society is more accepting of two women as parents rather than two men. Of course everyone does their best. Who knows in the future what we will have determined - there have been many changes in the last 100 years - divorce, single parents, gay parents- what impact this has on peoples development remains to be seen. I do think we will realise that the absence of fathers can have negative consequences; particularly for boys, it’s generally accepted aswell that children who are adopted or not brought up by their genetic parents typically have lower life chances (of course this doesn’t reflect individuals- I’m talking in a sociological sense). However That’s all another controversial thread!

I’m sure some people fall into the little category you’ve mentioned. But for most of us it’s not that rigid or negative. I don’t assume my kids will be heterosexual and I certainly don’t assume they will have kids, but statistically they are more likely to have kids than not, so it’s not a negative thing to privately wonder if they’ll have kids one day. There’s plenty of things my kids are more likely to do/be than not, so acknowledging that in my own brain doesn’t mean I will have negative feelings if things work out differently. OP isn’t shocked or grieving so I’m not sure why you are bringing this to her thread.

what a pile of bollocks. I have one gay, one bisexual and two straight. I never assumed their sexuality. I have many friends with gay children and none of us had to ‘accept it or learn to live with it’, I’m fairly pleased that one of mine is gay! Thankfully not everyone thinks like you and you do sound pretty homophobic.

Nothing is 'wrong with being gay' that requires worry. The worry arises from the fact that not everyone agrees with that, which can make life challenging for gay people.
Its those people you should keep your powder dry for rather than prickling at a mum concerned that her daughter may face discrimination and judgement.

It’s a shock of course, it’s normal you would have imagined a different future for her and also to worry about what prejudice and difficulties she might face. But the world is getting better on that front every year. These days she can have children, get married and live a full and happy life. And it’s very good that she’s felt safe enough to come out at 15, says a lot about your relationship with her 💕

My friend’s who have come out later (I’m 36 and one friend only came out this year) have often struggled in different ways before they did. She’s starting her adult life on the right footing xx

When I came out to my mum 26 years ago, I had a little cry, she had a little cry. I didn't see her getting upset as a bad thing. I think it was just an acknowledgement of something we both knew.

You just say to your DD, you love her and are there for her. Let her lead on if she needs to talk about it again.

That’s wonderful that she as was able to confide in you
you sounds like a lovely mum. Keep doing what you’re doing. Yes it will take time to adjust but no reason to think you can’t continue to have a brilliant relationship

OP, ignore the wilful ignorance being shown here. You've responded well and it's fine to be worried, and surprised.

Others - you know nothing of OP's whereabouts, background, broader family culture etc so stfu attacking her for having a normal emotional response.

This thread is a bit mind boggling. There are some homophobes on here unfortunately. But overwhelmingly the attitudes are heteronormative. In 2026 we are still making the assumption that little girls and little boys will grow up to have heterosexual relationships and produce biological children. That’s the future we assume for them with our fixed heteronormative thinking. Therefore, we have to be ‘shocked’ and ‘grieve’ for the loss of imagined futures when they turn out to be gay or bi. Would it not be better to make no assumptions from the start? Why are we even assuming that little girls are destined to be mothers? There are many, many life paths available to children: to be a biological parent in a hetero relationship is only one path.

What’s your relationship with your mother now? Because that experience sounds very weird and hugely unsupportive.

Not YMCA no! Think a 13 year old boy obsessed with all the divas of the last 30 years. Once Cher is brought into the mix, coming out becomes a formality….

I came out to my mother as bi when I was fifteen. She launched into this weird speech about how that was statistically unlikely, because gay and lesbian people were a small minority and so therefore bisexual people must be an even smaller minority. (I think there was research years later showing that bisexual people are actually more common than homosexual people, but that’s neither here nor there.)

OP, you sound like a good parent.

There are people who really care in 2026. Friend of mine was looking for a house this year. First order they made the seller "didn't want to sell to fags". The second house they were invested the realtor kept asking if one of their wives was gonna join soon to the viewing. When told that the two men were gonna live there together, the realtor made it clear that he had no interest selling the house to them. They've also been told "not to be a fag" while just out in town.
A bi female friend has had several corrective rape threats while out with her gf. So yeah, this is what happens in a relatively big city.

But yes, I agree, apart from your bewilderment that your Mum may cry, it's not a negative.

tbf it's different if your daughter is a lesbian than a gay son. Vis a vis grandchildren and what you've got to absorb.
Not saying it means anything, just saying it's part of an equation.

I think it’s ok that there’s a bit of push back on why you’re upset. I’d try not to take it so personally and maybe just use it to reflect if there’s any views that you need to challenge within yourself

You’re going to feel what you feel and worry etc and that’s all normal emotion, so I’m not saying it’s a bad thing that you’re feeling a certain way - But I’m married to a woman and my life’s good and I’d have been pretty bemused and bewildered if my mum cried when I came out. I hope we move on from the days where you need to worry cause your kids gay because it’s not a negative and times are changing.

I am so sorry for what you had to go through with your parents just because of who you loved (love). No one deserves that sort of treatment from anyone, let alone their own Mum and Dad, but for it to stem from something that should be entirely positive (i.e. that you're in love with someone) is wrong on every level.

As for the comments you made about having to come out over and over again, being worried about how people might react when you tell them you're gay, considering travel, how people might treat your child etc - I'm straight, and so you're absolutely right that I haven't suffered those things, but it is something I've cried over for my family and friends because I've seen from early on some of the things they've had to endure and I hate to the core that they have those burdens and the world is different for them, than it is for me, just because of who they love.

I hope that by the time my DC starts to have feelings of a sexual nature that there's no need for them to "come out" should they be gay. My husband and I have, from the off, tried to talk as neutrally as we can (e.g. answering "when will I get married?" with "when you meet a boy or girl who you really love and who really loves you") and so we hope that the idea of gay isn't "otherness" to our DC. We will simply want our DC to be themselves, happy, healthy and hopefully fall in love with a good person (of whatever sex) but that doesn't mean, if it transpires they are gay, I won't be sad that their life may be harder as a result or their sexuality. As far as I'm aware, that's a loving parent not a homophobic one.

I agree but your heart speaks too and it is what it is.

You shouldn't mourn what you were never promised or had.

Nobody here has said that it is being gay that is the worry here! Only you have implied that possibility! The OP (and others) have explained that her life may not be as straightforward as mum had hoped, and it means everyone re-thinking how life will be. That's all.

My son came out in 2001. He was nigh on16.
I didn't know.
I knew he wasn't a lad's lad and he liked what he liked. He was who he is.
At the time I embraced it and supported him. I knew how challenging it would be to his life.
Eventually, quietly, to myself, I mourned it, I knew what it meant for me, no grandchildren.
I grieved that quietly.
Now, the pain has been absorbed.
I'm glad he's happy and I've welcomed both of his partners into our family.
But I still silently wonder about the beautiful children my beautiful son would have had.