Usernamenotavailabletryanotheroneplease ·
Yesterday 21:04
I’ll try and keep this as concise as possible without drip-feeding. I have DM, DF and DB. DB and I are in our thirties with young families. DPs are in their late sixties.
Until a few years ago, they both worked and had fulfilling social lives. No hobbies per se, other than swimming once or twice a week. They seemed happy. However, in the last few years, they seemed to have aged rapidly and their lives are shrinking before their eyes.
They’ve both given up work (one due to a bout of ill health - thankfully recovered now - and the other a couple of months later). Since then, they’ve basically stopped doing everything apart from visiting my grandmother’s house twice a week and going to the supermarket once a week. I see them (with DC) more than DB does due to geographic reasons. They seem to enjoy spending time with DC but I always organise this.
One of them has developed crippling anxiety and probably depression but will not admit this. The anxious parent refused to drive their car (the other one does not drive) and made numerous excuses about the state of the car (engines troubles etc). DB sought out three different mechanics to check the many ‘problems’ - all fine. After much convincing, they’ve accepted this and will drive very short, familiar journeys. Will not use public transport.
This parent has also developed health anxiety and basically cut all ‘bad’ (their words) foods out of their diet, without having a true knowledge of what constitutes ‘bad’. As a result, they eat a very limited diet and have lost A LOT of weight, and are very underweight. Both DB and I have taken them to the GP about this. They agree to introduce foods back in, and after a couple of weeks, go back to restricted eating. We’ve given them recipe books, taken them food shopping but to no avail. Non-anxious parent is burying their head in the sand. I could go on and on.
Anxious parent is the one that has dealt with booking holidays, etc - something they used to love. In a conversation this week, they simply said, “We’re too old.”
Every time I speak to them, I feel like banging my head against a brick wall. They have minor ailments but nothing that can stop them doing what they did before. Up until a few years ago, I enjoyed their company but now conversations are hard work. We mainly talk about the children, and my life because they literally having nothing to say. Non-anxious parent is becoming desperately unhappy but won’t do anything. I took this parent to a party for an extended family member’s 1st birthday recently and they had a wonderful time. I simply don’t have the time or energy to organise everything they do, though. I’d be much more inclined to continue to help if they met me halfway but they don’t, yet moan about pretty much everything. The old saying ‘you can lead a horse to water but can’t make it drink’ fits perfectly here.
It would be different if they were happy in their slower-paced bubble (like my grandmother in her nineties) but they’re not. They’re really not.
AIBU to give up trying to help them age too early? Of course I’d keep a relationship with them.