Husband blames Mumsnet

Well I am single but I'm single because I had the sense to end a terrible relationship and I can see similar behaviours in other posters husbands.

If the fact I haven't wanted to get into another relationship means I should be ignored then so be it.

I personally didn't think women were only relevant if they were married but it seems you disagree so oh well.

I was frightened of leaving my ex for many years. When I did it was blissful. He wasn't violent but he was and still is a bully. Total knob. Just leave him OP. You will find joy.

Almost feels selfish to go now, now they’re adult. If that makes sense.

No it doesn't make sense.
And what makes you think you have no right to be selfish?
There are worse things than being selfish - which is just self-preservation and looking after yourself, nothing wrong with that, in fact it is a healthy response.

Does he? Has mumsnet made him bully and abuse his wife?
There are some really strange people on here.

You should leave him, you really should. I think you know that you should leave him.

I wish you would

I suppose I’m falling for the sunk costs fallacy,
Just what I was going to say. Don't count the years past: count the future years. How many years until you retire? How many years will your retirement last ?(estimate based on how long women in your family live).
Do you want to spend those future years the way you are living now?

and a probably imagined end to our family life
The family life you had is already ended - the DC are grown and gone into their own adult lives.
The only residue of "family life" that you have to spend with him being around is things like weddings and funerals. The rest you can spend with your adult offspring and grandchildren without having to put up with an abuser.
Imagine future holidays and days out with your family, just you and them, and how lovely it will be not to have him around spoiling it.

I am married 30 years to someone similar - If I’m honest I don’t feel the same as I once did, but that’s because he’s a different person -the kind bohemian no materialistic 30 years him has turned into a nothing but 5* all the way is good enough , but without that level of wonga and with a very short temper . Like you say sunk fallacies come into it, in my case working together and not owning a home ( due to only being prepared to live in the very nice areas) has meant my options are crap and I’m not prepared in all honesty to be in poverty . Even at state pension age (3years) my options would improve. I do care, I just don’t like living with him much.

Mumsnet understands how women are isolated and confused in abusive relationships.
Mumsnet offers a window to a different viewpoint - so women in abusive relationships can see their predicament more clearly or even for the first time.
Mumsnet offers support and knowledge to women.

Mumsnet says LTB

If he's actively bullying you and he doesn't want to be called out on it, he should simply not bully you.

He's not awful because a bunch of women on the internet say he's awful.

He's awful whether or not we tell you that he's awful.

I just hope that having some support and advice from other people helps you to recognise when his attitudes and actions are awful and unacceptable.

Your further posts on this thread just make me so sad that you're living in that environment and I'm glad that you've come to recognise his behaviour for what it is.

He'll make us out to be men-hating witches but I'm in a 16 year marriage with a man I still love, who is an active and supportive father to 3 teenagers, who respects my opinions, intellect, career and has never tried to control me. We both have lots of friends and a good life. My husband's not some weak pushover because of this, we're partners, we're a team, he's a big tough sporty funny guy who fits right in with lads lads lads and works a stereotypically "manly" job. It's not a binary of one way to be a man. He can be Mr Macho AND respect women AND never bully me because we're equals in our relationship. Your husband's expectation of his norm and his belittling of you are not acceptable in this day and age. Bin him off. This is the kind of man who deserves to be lonely. Get free of him. Reclaim your peace and joy. There are lovely men out there or you can be much happier than you are now without your loser husband in your personal space all the fucking time.

And as everyone knows, a woman is worth nothing unless she's "with" someone, even if he's a cunt.

Abusive men hate mumsnet because it's full of women who don't stand for their crap.

You've been told that you need to leave him OP. If you choose to stay that's on you.

Oh, they do, do they?
And now that you've read more of OP's posts?
"They" are doing a cracking job of supporting a vulnerable woman.
Go Them!

My dh used to try this shit. Don’t put up with it. Stop telling him stuff. What a prick

You don't need his agreement or his approval to leave him. It's best if you tell him nothing while you are looking into your first steps to get away. Don't tell him you want to leave him, you don't want to get into a discussion where he has the chance to tell you, No you're not. Because you are not strong enough enough yet to contradict him. But you CAN be, OP. It's not too late. Reach out for the help that's waiting for you.

Well put

i think we underestimate how much damage living in a tense atmosphere actually can do to ourselves. We learn to adapt to some degree but it comes at a cost.
it’s so hard to leave when you’re frightened of all the sh* that will unleash in every area of your life. You have to be ready for that.

The over amplification of the nice bits is completely normal.
When you are often treated badly, you operate in a state of low level anxiety and misery. When the person decides to be even normally nice to you, you are so relieved and delighted by it, it feels way better than it should.
This is how abusers keep you hooked. You're constantly chasing the comfort, relief and high of the nice parts.
What you need to remember is that being nice to a partner is an absolute basic for a relationship. You don't have to pay for that by putting up with abuse.

Good grief - this is not good for you at all. Are your finances complex?

What is the worst that could happen if you packed a bag and went to stay with your sister for a ‘visit’ , then extended it while you sorted yourself out?
What are you most afraid of about being single in your own peaceful home?

I think what @WinterBlues26 has said makes a lot of sense. Imagine him at 75 years old. When we agree to “in sickness and in health” one assumes that the partner is going to be agreeable and kind most of the time.

What did your solicitor say? Have you got an idea of finances? - think of where you can stay temporarily because it sounds as if you do have allies. Then be brave. It can only get better.