Husband blames Mumsnet

So how old are you OP?

No loving H would say ‘you sounded retarded etc’. He’s really horrible. You have every right to leave him and be happy, and do so before you potentially end-up having to wipe his arse for him in old age.

You deserve to be happy. Everyone does. You know that your marriage is not making you happy. Divorce can only be better. Speaking to your DC might surprise you, it's very unlikely they are unaware of your husband's bullying behaviour.

You say when he is not there life is peaceful. Your life going forward could be like this everyday with no one shouting at you or putting you down. Just reach out and take that peaceful life. Your sister sounds like she will help you.

I think your kids will absolutely respect you for leaving. I felt bitterly disappointed in my mum for putting up with my dad’s shit for so long.

Sorry- to add- I meant to write this morning but then didn’t catch up with all comments. It’s become much clearer that you are being abused. I’m sorry and hope you can find the power to leave soon. That’ll teach me to be careless!

They say that disdain/ contempt/ derision is the earliest predictor of divorce. Why does he look down on you? It can come from feeling hurt. If he won’t talk about it, your marriage will become more painful for you or end in divorce. I would try talking then plan for separation if he insists on not engaging like an adult. Good luck.

Tell him to give his head a wobble 🤜

👍

What would you tell a colleague who disclosed to you that her marriage is as you have described on here, so bad that her GP referred her to WA?

If you have post-grad qualifications, you are obviously an intelligent woman who holds down a responsible job but whose husband has done his best to destroy her self-esteem outside of work.
Please don't let this situation to go on any longer. Get those ducks lined up unassailably and I bet your DC will cheer you on.

@Howtorespond

Go back to WA and seek their advice on your next steps.

Go back to your GP and see if your surgery has a Social Prescriber. They can be very good in situations like this.
Go back to your solicitor and find out your rights regarding the assets and how to proceed with a divorce. They aren't your therapist so stick to financial facts.
Go back to your GP and see if they will refer you to counselling.

In the meantime make sure your wages go into your account and not a joint one.
Remove half the savings from any joint accounts.
Find out about any pensions, investments, savings and house equity for him and you.
Get the house valued when you know he will be out.
Get decluttering and doing odd jobs, under the pretext of spring/autumn cleaning.
Do NOT tell him what you are doing.
Learn the art of grey rocking.
Your children will not desert you.

A year of turmoil and upset is nothing compared to the pain of staying for the next thirty years. I managed to pull up my big girl pants after years of emotional abuse (same as you, many professionals told me to get out) and if I can then you can too

Then he’s a loser with no respect for you

Just say - well, There We Are Then! TWAT

Stolen from a Mumsnet thread.

Look - Mumsnet definitely woke me up. DH and I slugged its out over many things, mainly me pushing back based on ideas from here. Same with my teens.

We are better for it.

He should debate the issue - not the person etc.

However, these women here are not for the faint of heart!

So - is he faint of heart?

Please leave this awful waste of space!

Just quietly plan your exit - any time he says something vile just give him the same bland 'yes dear' or 'you're probably right dear' or whatever you feel like but make sure its bland and the same every time.

Follow this up - every time - with leaving the room to do something else. Not a stomp or strop off, just a similarly bland 'going to the loo/fetching something from my room' sort of thing.

If he gets the same response and then you remove yourself EVERY time, a/it will reduce his behaviour and b/it will really piss him off.

Then think about your plan and ideally, exit when he is away by himself, let him come home to a fait accompli. From there on, only communicate with him when absolutely necessary, in writing and ideally via solicitors.

Don't be my friend. Her dreadful husband we all loathed had a stroke a couple of years ago. He's now disabled, pretty much non verbal in company but still manages to belittle everything she does because he can't do it anymore.

She's absolutely trapped I kinda hope he shuffles off.

In fairness, sometimes MNers give very strange advice and I often think whether it is genuinely kind or malevolent, dragging down.
In the early 2000s, a friend of mine was cohabiting with a guy from a wealthy family. They had a child, and her friends started on the campaign 'he does not love you if he does not marry you, you are such a catch, remind him you are a catch, he is punching above his weight, etc.etc.' She followed their advice and what was a relaxed and happy arrangement turned into a real nightmare. They broke up, he moved out to his parents then went travelling, quitting his arty job. Not a penny in maintenance. I can't describe the disparity in her 'before' and 'after' in terms of her and their daughter standard of living. Literally from 'Prince to pauper', only less humour. And deep down I agreed with them, that if he loved her, he would have married her, etc. etc. etc. But the outcome for them both was awful. Basically, she followed their advice, and I see similar advice on MN sometimes.

Always keep your mouth open when you insult a lady !

My first XH used to say 'Have you got your period? Or have you been speaking to your mother again?', which was, I think, the 90s version of this.

I found the absolute best answer to that was to divorce him, tbh. He was satisfyingly shocked that I did so.

How is he likely to react when you tell him you want a divorce?
Will you have to move out?
Will you have to sell the house?

Well, most people don't make major decisions based on what random posters on the net say. I'd just laugh at him.

Laugh at him ironically and walk away whenever he belittles you, especially in front of others.