AIBU to install cameras because I suspect my husband is hiding affair?

I agree. And also, the people saying “his face will tell you everything you need to know” (or words to that effect), have never met a good liar/gaslighter or they did and just don’t know it because they believed every word without realising it was lies. Every affair thread has them and I always think the same thing.

All very good advice, except for:

"But just ask him. you don’t have to be accusatory, just say that you know the two of them have met up recently and that you feel it’s odd that it wasn’t on the calendar like his meet up with other friends are."

Cheaters are, by definition, liars. If you ask a cheater for the truth, they are going to LIE.

And their lies can be so astounding and flagrant that the betrayed spouse can start to disbelieve their own senses. I remember a few years ago, an OP came on a forum I was reading and said that she came home early one day; walked into her house; her H came bounding agitatedly towards her, shirtless and his hair dishevelled and saying he been napping; she saw movement in the bedroom behind him and started walking towards it; and her stark-naked neighbour came rushing past her, clutching her clothes to her chest, and vanished out of the front door.

And when OP overcame her speechless flabbergasted shock and started questioning, he said he was sick of her jealousy and the neighbour just came over to ask him to look at her toe, which she had jammed in a door.

And OP was so confused that she actually came to the forum to ask if she was unreasonable to doubt him!

Cheaters lie lie lie lie and lie. They've become the enemy, it is completely POINTLESS to ask them to tell the truth. They won't because that is partly WHY they cheat: they like lying and their lies.

I have zero problem with OP checking out what her H is doing. Cheating is abuse on many levels: mental, emotional, physical (STIs can be deadly), and above all financial. Marriage is a social contract: you need to protect yourself from partners who go bad and who can blow up your life.

And to the idealists on this thread saying, well, if you're checking him out, your relationship is dead anyway because you don't trust him: there is a LOT at stake, and NO ONE - including you - is going to willy-nilly blow up a decades-long relationship on the basis of an unconfirmed hunch.

This is dumb advice that does only hog-ties the victims of cheaters.

OP, I've been on your dh's side of this kind of thing (sort of)

An ex of mine from 40 years ago was visiting family in my country, was in my town for one afternoon and asked if I'd like to meet for a tea or coffee. In my case I DID tell my dh, and he encouraged me to go.

We met in a park, close to where we both worked - all out of doors, in public. But I was so unprepared for all the memories that were stirred up. We talked about people we'd both known, the fun and laughter, spoke a very little about the sad time when we split up (he was offered a job in USA and expected me to go with him; I didn't want to go and expected him to stay - we both sort of broke each other's hearts).

It was all above board (apart from one sentence about sex). But such is power of memory and reminiscence that the whole experience made me feel like I was 22 again. In 35 years of marriage I've never really fancied anyone other than my dh, but for a couple of weeks after the meeting with my ex my mind was consumed with him (and with the concept of my own 20-something year old self).

Ex and I don't keep in contact (except very vaguely on social media - nothing direct) but I have never been so glad in all my life that we life on different continents and in different time zones. It felt like a very dangerous liaison.

If your dh is meeting his ex after all these years, I think he is playing with fire. You can't police his relationship, but you can shine a light on it. Get it into the open, talk about it, ask him why he is keeping it secret. Share information about limerence. Tackle the risks head on.

OP, life is way too short for this. Yes, there is a high probability that, if there is anything but friendship with this woman that your H will lie. But just ask him.
you don’t have to be accusatory, just say that you know the two of them have met up recently and that you feel it’s odd that it wasn’t on the calendar like his meet up with other friends are.

I also think, and I mean this kindly, that you are talking yourself out of the relationship with your H and this women being more than friends.
There are signs that it could be an emotional affair, such as the song acronym meaning (sorry I can’t remember what the acronym is).

Unless you are willing to either have a conversation and/or come back from your trip early, you will always be wondering. The extra camera will pick up her coming to the house, but that will not give you the proof you need.

I hope you get the answers you need.

This is coercive control and just as bad as the cameras.

people need to think twice before making these suggestions.

?

OP I understand your concerns. My 60 something DH of 30 plus years also has a female friend who I am not entirely happy about. Similarly they were friends in their teens and 20s and then lost touch for several decades before reconnecting. As a young man DH had a real thing for this female, which was not reciprocated and so they were never actually more than friends .

A few years ago she got back in touch out of the blue and they now go out together a few times a year. He claims he no longer has feelings of any sort for her, but I do worry that it was a bit of an unrequited love sort of thing for him.

The only way I manage to deal with the jealously, is that we have an agreement that I will not kick off about him periodically seeing her as long he is absolutely open and honest about when he is doing this, and as far as I know he has been. All the reminiscing still does my head in a little bit, but I just grit my teeth.

I too would be very concerned that your DH is not being open with you and I really think you do need to challenge him about this.

My DH has been made absolutely aware that if this ever became anything more he would be packing his bags as I simply wouldn't tolerate that.

I hope your DH's friendship turns out to be innocent and that you manage, one way or another to find some peace of mind.

Op, I really don’t understand what you want from this .
You said that your dh and this woman have a friendship .Are you concerned that this friendship may lead to something else .?
If this is a friendship and you are uncomfortable with this , why not simply speak to your dh and discuss your fears ?
You have been married for thirty years , yet feel unable to discuss this with your dh
Even if he is having an affair with this lady you will not leave the marriage so what is the point of your post?

OP's DH should at least show OP the courtesy of meeting his mistress outside his and OP's home. If he did that, OP wouldn't bother installing cameras. What he's doing is a disgusting betrayal of OP's trust.

It doesn't matter if he does, because she's not going to do anything about it anyway

They lie, lie and lie again. Always.

Sorry I've just read your posts properly and understand why you are suspicious. Cameras at the front door aren't the answer though.

Just ask if he's planning on meeting her and watch his reaction.

Well it wouldn't prove anything then, would it?

As others have said, why not ask him if that woman plans to visit? If she is and it's more than a visit, his reaction should tell you all you need to know.
I'm not sure why you suspect him though ... ?

Because he’ll probably deny it. Then if he is guilty he’ll try even harder to hide evidence going forward.

If I had suspicions then I would do the same as you. What about a nanny cam too for in the living room?

Really, it's not hard. Ask to see the messages on his phone. If he loves you and wants to show he is faithful, he'll let you look at his phone.

What you are doing is just the kind of thing you would do if you want to end the relationship. If you catch him, he'll try to take the moral high ground by saying you are spying on him. I can't see a way forward for your relationship without him admitting what he has done.

OP - did you try the passcode? @Lovingmynewlifestyle

That's great! Now she knows there's nothing to worry about.

She has explained that she wants a camera that she can position in a window to face the front door - so it wouldn’t have to be waterproof or anything and wouldn’t need drilling to an outside wall. I don’t think it would be difficult for a creep to buy a nanny cam and put it in their house and she hasn’t asked for any detailed instructions of how best to hide a camera or anything like that.

So you don't see the difference between CCTV that they both know about and setting up a new hidden camera without telling anyone else?

The trust has gone, leaving is the best option. Messing about with covert cameras, trying to catch him out etc is just a waste of time. The relationship is essentially over at this point. Move on

This doesn't make a lot of sense. You already have proof he's been meeting another woman. Your options are to ignore it and carry on, confront him and move towards divorce, confront him and remain together.

I suspect your whole world has been rocked by this and you are prevaricating in a way. Getting more proof means the ultimate decision on what to do is a step further away. Why torture yourself. Speak to him.

He's already lying by omission, having secret meets and inappropriate chats for a married man, and people are giving the OP a hard time about installing a camera that covers her front door only in a house with CCTV already. Do people know how many ring door bells are filming us on a regular basis? Lots!

As soon as one person has broken the trust, all bets are off in my opinion. OP just needs some more info before deciding what to do.

Just be careful he doesn't spot your camera OP.