DH angry about my behaviour at playdate

Yes this is how I read it and how it would be interpreted in my world too.

I think there are many many things at play here, possibly on both sides, and if splitting up is better for your DD in the long run then do that. You might have to put your DD first over what you want.

I get that you don't want to not see her every day, or share custody but if it is a choice between :

a) her frontal lobe forming in this environment therefore programming her to seek or do the same for herself as an adult.
or;
b) splitting to give her a better chance (even though you'd prefer not to change anything)

then I think it would have to be option b.

But that's just me. I'm not a parent, I just observe what I see in the world around me.

He was just jealous that you’d had wine and he couldn’t! He is very likely an alcoholic.
Don’t get any more wine for him, see if he manages to pull himself together to get it - that will be your answer!

He's an alcoholic who hates you.

You should just leave and offer EOW

If you are adamnat you cant face separating/ time away from your child....

You need to toughen the fuck up (pardon my french) but you cannot stay and be going around thinking things like "Its made me not want to have anyone over"

Youll be a shell of yourself in a year or two.

You need to buckle in and be bullet proof.

he seems to have no interest in leaving move in separate bedrooms.
Let him crack on with drinking himself to death and do what suits you.

Get active in socialising, join clubsand buildnout your friendship group, take dd out on day trips or short breaks minimise her contact eith his awfulness.

do all this through the bullshit lens of helping make things easier for him / to "give him a break from masking" be bland be smile be Teflon be tough as nails about it.

Personally id leave - he sounds like he'll have little to no interest in access especially if you play it cool act accommodating

I personally think the autism and bad childhood is bullshit and it doesnt matter to some degree the reality is he is absolutely firm in his refusal to meet you half way. You either work around it very firmly or you leave.

You said in your OP that you don’t see your friends often, why is that? Please prioritise seeing them, you need them.

Your husband sounds horrible and he’s got an alcohol problem. He was angry with you because you were having fun and because you were drinking and he wasn’t. It’s no way to live your life.

I don’t blame you for enabling his alcohol problem, he sounds like a miserable bugger when he’s sober. However, you know this isn’t sustainable and it’s not fair on your child to have a dad who drinks that much.

He won’t go to therapy soon you’re going to have to start planning to leave him.

He made himself look a tit, with his negative energy and running upstairs like a teenager when parents friends come round. He doesn't need wine to destress, he could find a healthier coping mechanism. He's selfish and his behaviour affects the mood of thr whole house but he can clearly only look at how everything else effects HIM.

My mum still does this for my dad at Christmas- makes it nicer for us all and they’re both in their 70’s now. A parent like this leaves a lasting impact on the child- don’t underestimate that.

it sounds to me as he wouldn’t want much custody of your dd if you split, do you think he would?

Honestly, I’m pretty shocked you’ve been buying him a bottle a night with a 6 yr old at home. It’s as bad as getting drugs for him.

He will only get worse and it sounds pretty awful for you and your DD already. Do you still love him and want the marriage to work? If deep down its a no then you have to separate.

Stop enabling his drinking for a start.

Give him an ultimatum to sort himself out through the AA or some other organisation.

This will make a huge difference.

I think you should refuse to get his wine for him.
If he gets angry, which i suspect he will, then you know he definitely has an alcohol dependency.
He needs to get some therapy or medical help and stop taking his problems out on you.

There's a few strands here:

• drinking too much. This is not about autism, this is an addiction. He is masking but he's masking pain instead of dealing with it. That's using alcohol. He needs therapy of his own - or there is only one way this will go (how long has he been drinking this much?). He needs to be brave enough to face how he's feeling. To be honest, drinking that much will make him feel more depressed.

• refusing marriage counseling. This is not autism. This is denial and a refusal to deal with reality. He doesn't want to face up to problems, he would rather drink and not feel. Things have already got this bad that you want to go. I'm sure he can't be happy if he responded to you having a friend round in this way.

You need to talk when he's calmed down and give him an ultimatum about dealing with the marriage. You can't carry on like this - it's hurting everyone, including him. So it's either counselling or separate. Then when you are actually in the counselling you can bring up the drinking and see if that changes. It may change on its own if the counselling helps your marriage and he feels happier. But that amount of alcohol and 'using' would be too much for me to put up with long term.

If he refuses the counselling then you need to separate. At least DD could have one peaceful and happy home, which is better than none.

I'm sorry but you lost me at 'he won't go to the shop' wtf! I absolutely could not live with someone like that. Autistic/traumatised or simply a twat no way would this man steal any more of my precious time. Good luck OP

Sounds like he has severe anxiety and all these behaviours are a result. He needs therapy and/or medication.

I think using autism as an excuse for being moody, silent treatment etc is a cop out. Drinking a bottle of wine a night is an alcohol problem and will effect his mood during the day.

Unless you can get him to see his behaviour as problematic and destructive, nothing is going to change. Only you can decide what you're prepared to continue to put up with.

How involved is he in the care of your child? Does he take them out alone, deal with discipline/conflict in a reasonable and consistent way? Does he play, have fun, meet the needs of your child (feeding, bathing, teeth brushing etc) while parenting solo? Could you, for example, go away for a weekend and feel comfortable that he would look after your child well?

I think you need to think very carefully about whether this relationship is healthy for you and if your household is a safe happy environment for you to raise your child in. Children pick up on conflict and even if you put on a brave face and think you're covering it well, they will feel the tension and strain between their parents. It's better to have a home with a happy single mum than with two parents that struggle to get along.

Im probably in the minority that wouldnt just end things. If there is something worth saving I would try. Was he always like this? How was your relationship before your child was born? I have seen family members with depression lash out at everyone around them and just be a miserable person to be near. After treatment and antidepressants and sobriety they are now back to be enjoyable people again. Its up to you whether its worth saving and if not then thats completely understandable too

(Full disclosure- I have an AuDHD diagnosis.)

Your husband may or may not be autistic- no one here can tell- but I can tell you that autism is not an excuse for shitty behaviour. Masking can be stressful but it's not an excuse for excessive drinking. It drives me absolutely crackers when people (got to be honest, it's mainly abusive men) use claims of neurodivergence to justify acting like this, while thousands of ND people are doing their absolute utmost to try to avoid their neurodivergence negatively affecting others. Aaaargh!

Anyway, your behaviour was fine, OP. He sounds horrible. Is this behaviour normal for him? If so, I would be seriously considering ending the marriage. Do you think he would go for 50-50 realistically, given that he clearly struggles as it is?

It wasn’t a sarcastic response directed at him. If anything it was a joke implying she was useless and had neglected the animals and kids for wine and a chat with her friend. There was nothing directed at him at all.

Does he usually struggle with jokes and unclear answers?

Not making excuses for his shitty behaviour as I couldn’t be with someone who treated me like this but If he is autistic the unclear joke interactions along with the social aspect and his drink problem could be a factor in how he reacted?

Its made me not want to have anyone over while he's here

Yes, I expect that's the intention.

Do you think he could have wanted to drink but was too embarrassed to disappear upstairs with a bottle to himself?

Hes miserable and was angry that for one night you were actually enjoying yourself. I think he seen this happy, light version of you and got angry - misery loves company. Him shutting down instead of speaking his feelings is a major problem. Perhaps he has depression, if he wont speak to you he needs to see his gp and hopefully that would lead to him getting an assessment.

This really.

What exactly does he bring to the relationship at this stage?

I could not live with a man like this, he sounds awful and utterly draining.