DH angry about my behaviour at playdate

Autism in my family (one diagnosed others not diagnosed). What I have learnt is autism is complex and affects people differently. Have a Google and a read of autism shutdown and meltdown and see if any of it resonates.

I know alcohol is a way people with ADHD try to quiet the noise in their head. Any thoughts on whether ADHD might be an issue. The three adults in my family with autistic traits are not big drinkers at all.

It's very difficult for you if he won't engage with counselling or seek a diagnosis. How are things for him at work - do his autistic traits impact that.

You need to find a way to communicate so that he will listen and if you think he is autistic then do some research to see the best way to do that. The one thing I have learnt is you have to be very clear and direct.

He sounds like an alcoholic who was upset you couldn’t buy him alcohol and he took it out on you.
It’s not you, it’s him

An arsehole looking for excuses to enable his arsehole behaviour

@itsallgoodinthehood is right - it's not about what you did, it's about his realisation that he wouldn't get his bottle of wine. It's all about him and his addiction.

It's pretty clear your OH is very unhappy. An official diagnosis won't really help.

The issue is whether the unhappiness is something to do with his past, or your relationship, or both, that's something to consider.

If the relationship is the issue, he might already have left emotionally, hence not wanting to do counselling, but might be staying only because he can't cope with the idea of not seeing your girl everyday.

You need to consider this and what it means for you.

Does he never go into a shop then? Or fill the car up with petrol? Or interact with people at work?
Stop buying him the wine and let him build up his resilience. He could go to a shop and use a self service till 🙄

I think he was really annoyed when your friend arrived with a bottle of wine and he realised you would drink it with her and then obviously you couldn’t drive later to get him alcohol.
He realises this is wrong on his part so blames you for something else to make you suffer .
You can’t go from drinking a bottle a night to suddenly not having one .
When he realised this was going to happen he stropped off to the bedroom

I think you might have hit the nail on the head around the alcohol.

Was the playdate a last minute thing? Sometimes a bad reaction can just be due to not enough notice of having your space "invaded". Did you go into this with different ideas of what the expectations were?

My husband & kids are autistic and I think we would have done a few things differently. If it's a playdate it would normally be between the mums rather than a social expectation on my husband. He socialises with mums and dads but would leave us to chat in this situation. We'd have nipped up to offer him a drink when we made/opened one, and it would more likely be tea than wine.

I'd like to hear his side but equally why is the conversation just about your behaviour, not his? I think the key is looking further back and seeing what had already gone wrong, why he was (I suspect) already so cross before you made your joke.

That's appalling. You did absolutely nothing wrong. He was the one acting like a cunt.

I honestly don't think he sounds like the type you can reason with/ sensibly argued with when he's in that mood.

It's no excuse but could he have BPD? The outbursts of unreasonableness, the not wanting to socialise, pushing you away but seeming to want all your attention etc. They can be traits of it. And it's often triggered by childhood trauma.

Though having a diagnosis might make him think he can blame all his cuntish behaviour on it.

Honestly you need to think hard about this relationship. He needs to get some kind of help but if he refuses are you willing to live like this forever?

I think yoir DH sounds like he’s got issues and he needs to get sorted.

However i would hate the response you gave him in front of a visitor. You belittled him. He mentioned that you always do it. You b ed to be honest with yourself about whether you do or not. Marriage counselling would help you both explore more. I hope you get to do so.

You dont need to interact with anyone to buy wine? I could go to any number of local shops near me to buy wine and run it through the self scanner - only someone would need to age verify which is hardly interaction. Just sounds like a lazy alcoholic.

He sounds like a prize bellend.

I had a husband who hated it if I had a good time with friends and would belittle me in some way to take the shine off my evening. He also used to get me to do things for him, claiming anxiety. When the wheels came off our marriage (his affair and subsequent behaviour) he insisted at a neighbour's bbq that I was responsible for getting his food. I refused and he went mad back at home. So I see similarities. I think you need to leave him.

How does he manage work?

Is dd his? You refer to her as "my", not "our".

Sounds like he’s an abusive alcoholic.
ignoring/ stonewalling you is abuse.

And it would make me refuse to do favours for someone if they spoke to me like he did to you.

I would tell him clearly that you will no longer be going out to buy him wine if that is how he behaves towards you.

I would also be saying a whole lot more about his general attitude and the drink problem he clearly has. Alcohol is not a solution to problems. He is being immature and foolish if he persists in claiming it is.

A bottle of wine 5 nights a week indicates a heavy, definitely harmful and possibly dependent drinker. There is a validated test here https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/tools/drinking-check#/overview It sounds to me like alcohol has become a coping mechanism for his trauma and/or his autism. I wonder if his anger was actually about your lack of availability to help him access alcohol and about you drinking alcohol
he couldn’t have? This sounds so unhealthy for all of you.

If he won’t get help or isn’t even willing to try please put yourself and your daughter first and leave.
From experience he won’t change and will make everyone’s lives miserable. Whatever the issue is, you can’t spend your daughter’s childhood trying to fix it. My mum didn’t leave a similar man and is still dealing with it now. Put your daughter first and leave. I can guarantee he won’t want 50/50 custody. If you can just keep it to one day a week, he can’t look after her properly drinking that much anyway.
He isn’t bringing anything good to either of your lives.

Why won’t he go to the shop himself? That’s weird in itself!

She said he drinks a bottle almost every night! I’d call that a drinking problem. It will affect his behaviour whether he’s actually drinking in the moment or not.

He sends you out to the shop every night to buy his alcohol? So as far as the shop staff are concerned they probably think you are the alcoholic. Be careful, he may know you are thinking of ending things and be trying to cast you as an unfit parent. Maybe I’m being paranoid here, but men in this situation can be very devious. Tell him to buy his own alcohol in future.

He must be over the limit the next day, each day surely? And he’s been driving your child around?

I think he was annoyed that you drinking and having fun So he decided to make himself feel better by making you feel like shit. He sounds horrible

Btw I am also autistic, last night we spent an evening with dhs friends . I struggle socially although I’m close to one of his friends wives. I had a ok time and could have happily left after about 2 hours but dh was really enjoying himself so we stayed until everyone started leaving (around 5 hours) I drove so dh could drink ( he did offer to pay taxis)

Every autistic person is different and I do have some non negotiables (mostly around food) but you do have to learn some techniques to make you aware of how your feeling/ make sure you take time out to replenish yourself. Find things that work for you. Him going upstairs because he would struggle with small talk, as long as he said hello and was polite that’s fine but being angry at you fir having fun is unacceptable.