DH angry about my behaviour at playdate

I’ll rephrase a bit of your OP for you:-

“He drinks at least 50 units of alcohol a week…”

Hmmm… there’s a big part of your problem.

A lot of people with autism wouldnt understand that though, they would feel put down and belittled. They have problems processing social situations and communication

Ah, I thought it might be a jealousy thing, well it still might be. But if she is his child, he should be pleased she is happy and having a playdate.

Its obvious whats going on here. He is jealous of the attention you give your child and doesnt want you to have any friends. He wants himself to be your one and only priority.

I'm baffled, because I thought my awkward jokey responses when he came in were fine.....

Obviously we weren’t there and can’t really tell if what was said was rude, offensive etc but what massively stands out it how awkward you felt when he came in the room - why?

Why were you trying to make jokes and why was you being awkward?

It almost sounds like you were a bit on egg shells when he came in and that’s not normal!!

Regardless of this situation, no way would I be with a man who drinks multiple bottles of wine a week or won’t even go to the shop because of ‘anxiety’.

I doubt he’s autistic, I just think it’s convenient to throw this card around to get his own way.
Even if he is autistic, so what. It’s not an excuse to be rude or not go to the shops etc.

What on God's green earth did OP say that was wrong??!

Well you now know that your answer should be "No, if you want alcohol, get it yourself". He is obviously telling himself that he doesnt have a problem with alcohol, because he isn't buying it every day and you are sanctioning his drinking.

And abusive

How are either of these responses belittling him though ? The first was just admitting she hadn't done anything for the dog or child. The second was saying they haven't been talking about the same thing the whole time. Both read to me as if she is being self deprecating if anything. How do you read them as belittling him?

• 3.5hrs once to ask me if the dog was fed. I joked " we got carried away sorry no, not a child in the house washed or fed"
• and the second time he came back from walking the dog I was in the middle of telling my friend a story about something we had been discussing when she first arrived and when he came in I said "I promise we've chatted about other things too haha" he was otherwise silent when he came into the room.

You didn't treat him like a cunt, ,he was acting like one .
He reminds me of my ex. It doesn't get better.

Oh and obviously drinking that amount is a concern which you can raise when making child arrangements.

There seems to be a desperate trend from MN users at the moment to put a label on their shit choices of life partners, because that's apparently easier than accepting you picked a dud He's not autistic, he's gas lighting you into believing his poor behaviour is a medical condition and he's got a serious drinking problem - this "autism" of his is likely his brain being flooded with all the toxins that his liver isn't processing properly.

I suggest you stop focusing on his behaviour and get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting so you can meet others who are going through the same and get some support. Because right now, you are enabling this man and likely ruining the life of your DC. And stop buying him alcohol, immediately. Do not ever buy it him again. See how long his phobia of interaction lasts then.....

They weren’t directed at him though. If anything they were self deprecating.

It pisses off autistic people and our children etc who haven't suddenly turned on the traits, because of a birth of a child etc. If anything, most of us force ourselves to be in situations we hate (mix at children's paties/go to craft afternoons at the school). We force ourselves to expand our diets, for a social life, or our children's social lives and don't start me on putting up with being wet/sand/glue/handing beans etc.
Your DH is looking for excuses. Was he in a special needs setting during childhood? Did he manage work ok? How did you meet? He wasn't anxious then.
He's a grumpy, functioning alcoholic because he can be. He drops it with your DD because you will allow your DD to vote with her feet and he wants a relationship with her. He isn't bothered if you two have a relationship, he has his wine. I hope peri menopause hits soon, you'll see him for who he is and fuck him off. It might coincide with your DD being an age to be able to decide if she sees him. The birth of a child makes some men think they've got their partner where they want them and they think they can behave however they like.

I think having your own child does bring out issues about your own childhood, but taking those issues out in your partner is a choice. I understand the concern about not being there to look after your child if you split but she's 6. She can tell you if there's a concern and you can deal with it.

He is showing contempt and you can't fix that unless he wants to.

Yep! ☝️

Have I read this right? He has diagnosed HIMSELF with autism?

So he might simply be an alcoholic twat hell bent on making sure you're as unhappy as possible?

And if he does happen to be autistic , imo he's an autistic alcoholic twat hell bent on making sure you're as unhappy as possible

Get rid of him. You will be so much happier without him

How on earth did you fall in love with someone like this?

She said he drinks a bottle of wine 5 nights a week. Unsure if he was drinking the day she’s talking about. He’s abusive @Plastictreesofgoldup to you whether you stay. I wouldn’t.

I understand exactly how your DH felt with your stupid jokes. I am autistic and very literal so if you said that to me I would be very upset

Don't isolate yourself further. My exH behaved so rudely if I tried to have friends round that I stopped inviting them over as I didn’t want them feeling awkward…I didn’t realise it was a way to keep me controlled and diminished.

You’ve become acclimatised to accepting pretty pathetic excuses for things - he can put an online grocery delivery in and include his alcohol in that, he can go to self-service scanners in shops, he can choose to do without. Don’t enable him.

How he behaves is damaging, to you and also to your daughter growing up in this environment as believe me she is aware of his behaviour being not-right already. I was the daughter of an alcoholic, a really decent man in every other way but an alcoholic, and it’s incredibly hurtful and very dangerous.

Think about this - you have previously left her with him and felt the need to say to him not to drink. And you think you could tell if he lied. Don’t risk her, work towards leaving him for her sake.

Autistic or not he's an arsehole.

My OH is almost certainly autistic and doesnt 'get' jokey banter, he almost always thinks you've said the opposite to what you've actually said, he only hears or processes either the start or end of sentences or discussions

I have no idea if any of this relates to your husbands but ASD is a social communication processing disorder and an inability to mange social interactions at times, lots of things seem like offence of slights and yet sometimes their own comments are offensive but they cant see how that feels for the other person too

At the end of the day it is impossible to live with so I would be looking at ways to leave.

Autism in my family (one diagnosed others not diagnosed). What I have learnt is autism is complex and affects people differently. Have a Google and a read of autism shutdown and meltdown and see if any of it resonates.

I know alcohol is a way people with ADHD try to quiet the noise in their head. Any thoughts on whether ADHD might be an issue. The three adults in my family with autistic traits are not big drinkers at all.

It's very difficult for you if he won't engage with counselling or seek a diagnosis. How are things for him at work - do his autistic traits impact that.

You need to find a way to communicate so that he will listen and if you think he is autistic then do some research to see the best way to do that. The one thing I have learnt is you have to be very clear and direct.