DH angry about my behaviour at playdate

Right, wrong end of the stick. I thought you meant her drinking.

Bit sick of people blaming shity, abusive and misogynistic behaviour on autism. Fully ND household here and your behaviour with your friend was fine. He was a dick.

You do not have to put up with it. If my DH behaved like that - ie was rude and stropped off when we had a guest, the telling off would have come from me to him. As it is, my DH would probably have checked whether we had enough wine and offered to pick up some more for us on the dog walk. He would likely have stopped to chat for 10mins, having a beer to be sociable, before heading off ‘to do some work’ (😉 because he really wouldn’t want to hang out with a couple of mums on the wine, and that is fine).

I would take a moment to consider whether this was an isolated instance or whether there a series of other controlling, passive aggressive (and therefore abusive) behaviours you have become so inured to that you have waved them off or ignored them over the years. Then decide whether you want to tackle them or discuss separation.

And for full disclosure, when my AuDHD was unrecognised and managed, I was a fucking nightmare in my 20s especially. Emotional dysregulation ++++. I have no idea to this day why DH put up with it, other than he says I am a good person who has never targeted abuse at him… but despite this, he has NEVER once called me names, raised his voice or disparaged me once - and if he called me c*nt I’d have been gone immediately.

I am so sorry @Plastictreesofgold this is the tenor of your relationship, but I hope you seek some advice or counselling to address this because you don’t deserve it.

Another grown man with a pathetically fragile ego.

How could you saying you haven't washed or fed any of the kids be taken so literally that it was offensive? I don't get it at all.

What's wrong with saying you haven't actually been having the same conversation all evening?

I get autistic people take thing literally, my DS is autistic.

I don't think this is about your husband being autistic though OP, I think this is about your husband being a drunken twat who doesn't like to see you having fun.

Sweetheart, this was me until recently too. I was with my exDP for 7 years. He hadn’t a diagnosis but his DS does and they are very very alike. I am 100% certain he is autistic. He too would interpret simple interactions in a very odd way and would accuse me of criticising him all the time! It would catch me completely off guard. Things he insisted were criticism: me verbally running through our ‘to do’ list the day after we had agreed to do some tasks (this was me outrageously repeating myself, and why on earth would I feel the need to repeat myself when he had “already stated” he would do x? In other words I was repeating myself to make the point that he hadn’t yet done x and why should he do everything according to my schedule???!!! I was like “dude, I’m just verbally running through a mental list of stuff to get done, I’ve no expectation you should have already done anything. You’re really reading far too much into this. Genuinely I’m just wittering to myself!” But he found that implausible and instead decided I must be criticising him)
Asking if he could remember his bank account number - this was me humiliating him
apparently and calling him thick because I can remember my account number but that doesn’t mean he should be able to as well!
A fleeting look of pain passing over my face when we were on a date and it was the first day of my period (my periods are really painful due to a condition I have). He didn’t know I had my period as I was trying to push on through but my painkillers had worn off. On this occasion he stormed out of the wine bar we were in mid-drink. Just downed it, slammed the glass down and marched out. I followed him out but he gave me the silent treatment. I had no idea what I’d done!!! In the end he eventually told me I was sat there rolling my eyes at him and that I was communicating he was boring. Again I was like “dude, I’ve got my period and I’m in a lot of pain. I was trying not to show it so we could enjoy this nice date” but again he felt I was ruining the date and getting at him.
I could give you a hundred examples. Everything was viewed through the lens of victim. Everything I said or did he saw as criticism. This meant that (a) I was always apologising and always on the back foot with no idea of what it was I was supposed to have done this time but (b) when I genuinely did have a concern about an aspect of his behaviour which I wanted to discuss like adults he would fly off the handle and say I endlessly criticised him. Nothing could ever be talked about and resolved. If I dared express a feeling it would trigger his feelings of shame and he would react very badly either with silent treatment and one word responses/zero eye contact/ making sure I knew I’d upset him but always with me having to guess and apologise and beg him to tell me what I’d done. Or else he would emotionally dysregulate and fly into a rage.

I do believe this was due to his autism. But I am absolutely not saying all or indeed most autistic people are like this. With him I just think he carried such feelings of internal shame (which I only realised after our relationship ended and through my own therapy) that he was constantly on the look out for people/me criticising him. Everything went through the shame filter in his head. He couldn’t understand that his perception of my behaviour was a thing. There is only right and wrong. Black and white. If he has a feeling (shame) it must be fact. So “I FEEL criticised” becomes simply “YOU must be criticising me”. He couldn’t tell the difference between his feeling and the thought he assigned. If he felt belittled, it couldn’t be his perception, it could only be that I belittled him.
He has trouble interpreting social cues so frequently misinterprets people’s actions. He also is unable to respond in an emotionally mature way. Instead of talking and listening and being curious or giving the benefit of the doubt, he either shuts down (cold shouldering) or rages.
What you describe reminded me so strongly of him and the way he made me feel. Always guessing and apologising, always being caught off guard. Always him finding ways I’d upset him. Refusing to engage or speak to me. (He said he was just protecting himself). But this is emotional abuse. Make no mistake.

I did get out. It took many attempts. But I did. And I am with a lovely emotionally mature man who I can talk to when something has upset or annoyed me. We don’t fall out about small stuff. I am not constantly having to manage his emotions or wonder what I’ve said or done. Life is so much simpler!! Your DH will never change. Get the hell out if you can.

He’s jealous. You were having fun with Mates and he’s none. He was trying to ruin it for you.

and that’s not something you should tolerate.

He sounds abusive, not autistic. Most of my family are diagnosed but none of us ignore or grunt at each other, or treat each other like shit.

He's undiagnosed and an alcoholic. I would divorce him.

she said earlier in the OP he was drinking a bottle of wine 5 nights a week.

Genuine question: can you explain what was ‘upsetting’ or ‘stupid’ about what the OP said?

Even if you took her words literally, how would they be insulting to you? What is about the things she said that you would consider offensive to you?

There was nothing in what she said that was a criticism of her DH. If anything, she was being self-deprecating. So if you were to take them literally, what it is that you feel would be upsetting or insulting?

I suspect I’m autistic, and that first interaction about the dog would have thrown me too. But honestly, he sounds like he might have an issue with alcohol.

Drinking five times a week is a lot. And why can’t he go to the shop by himself? Does he work? I just don’t understand what you’re getting out of this relationship.

He might be using alcohol to cope with life and having a young child, but it’s gone too far now. There’s definitely a dependency starting.

OP

Plan your exit from your abuser with due care and attention; that is your best option here. He will continue to make your and your child's life a complete misery otherwise and he will further ramp up the power and control against you. He latched onto you deliberately and saw some quality in you he can, and has indeed exploited to his own ends. Now you are playing the parts of being his codependent enabler.

He has used ASD here as a means of excusing his own abusive behaviour. Many abusive men do this, it's a tried and tested technique in their arsenal of abuse as well as an insult to those who are actually given an autism diagnosis.

Were these 'autistic' traits apparent before you had your child, OP, and was he drinking a bottle of wine a night five times a week then too?

Sounds like the classic abusive man who's had his nose put out of joint by having a child and not being the centre of your universe to me.

Stop buying his booze.

He doesn't get to critcise your perceived 'tone' while then verbally abusing you.

Why are you with this man?

He's foul. Neurodivergent or not.

So you're married to an emotionally abusive alcoholic who blames his bad behaviour on undiagnosed autism ....

No.

You can be autistic and still be an asshole. He's an asshole.
You can be autistic and still be an alcoholic. He sounds like he's there or well on his way.
You can be autistic and emotionally abusive. The silent treatment is emotional abuse. it's not just because he's autistic.

I'd be making plans to get myself and my child out of that house or him out of it. Get legal advice.

I’m awaiting an autism diagnosis myself. We don’t know the tone but I wouldn’t have been offended.

Autistic or not, OP, your husband sounds like a standard, surly drunk. The reasons for this probably do not matter as it is a rarity that these situations improve.

In the OP's post she explains that her husband is normally friendly with this lady. I presume she's been around before and all ok.
So if he was really suffering with anxiety etc of having someone around, why has he been ok before with her?

This is all in his gift OP. Stop giving excises why he behaves the way he does.

I'll tell you - he choses to be a miserable, grunting, disrespectful arse who can't possibly manage to go to the shop.

He could work on his 'anxiety'
He could work on his relationship with his daughter.
He could go to counselling with you.

But he doesn't want to because it would require effort. At the moment hes got it made - lurking about being mardy while you make his world function and bring his wine.

Fuck that.
I don't know how you square the circle of leaving him but missing time with your daughter when she's so little though. Maybe you just start living your life and ignoring his moans, stop bringing him alcohol and see if you can bear it until she's old enough to make her own choices - they're a lot more independent by 10ish.
Or you chose your life and hopefully get used to EOW
It's a tough one.

I’m autistic and I can see why the whole situation around the play date could leave an autistic person feeling overwhelmed and acting in an unreasonable manner.

It sounds like he has quite a set evening routine where you go to the shop and buy him wine and he drinks it at home but this wasn’t possible as you were drinking and he’s too anxious to go to the shop. I hate having my routines disrupted.

He then had another person in the house, this is something I struggle with too, having other people in my space. I don’t really even like having my own friends over for too long, I can’t explain it well but I just start to get an overwhelming feeling of having my personal space invaded when I have guests over, I live alone so nobody else invites others to my house but I imagine this would be hugely amplified if the guest wasn’t my own friend.

I also struggle a lot with social interactions, especially ones which feel like the script is being deviated from. If I asked someone if they’d fed the dog I would expect a yes or no answer and your answer would throw me, I wouldn’t know what to say back and would feel stupid and would hate that to happen in front of someone else. I get looping thoughts and can spend hours overthinking something I or another person said. Part of autism is that it is difficult to read social cues and I can misread things people said as being mean or putting me at the butt of the joke when this wasn’t the case. This would be even more so if I went back upstairs and heard laughing etc, I’d assume you were laughing at me. I am learning that my autism does make my thoughts quite self-centred and I think people are talking about me far more than they are which does feed into paranoia and feeling like I’m being made fun of.

I am not excusing your husbands behaviour or saying that means it’s okay for him to be grumpy and moody with you and that you have to put up with it, but I can see how a similar situation might lead to similar behaviour from me. Sometimes when I am overwhelmed and dysregulated from a social interaction it comes out in moodiness and rudeness, sometimes I’m unaware I’m being like that and other times I am very aware but I still feel unable to interact with another person in any other way. Sometimes I know I’m acting in an unreasonable way but it’s like a dark cloud a a disconnect between my brain and body and I cannot interact in a socially acceptable way even if a significant part of me wants to, all that comes out is the anger or overwhelm when I try and speak. The only thing I can do in that situation is take myself away from the social interaction, which it sounds like he did do by taking himself up for a nap.

Again, I’m not excusing it or saying it’s okay but if he does have autism it is a disability and it will effect his social interaction skills and means he may not always be able to stop himself from being rude or moody. That said, it doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. I’ll also add that although I can act like that I will usually take accountability for it and I will apologise afterwards, although sometimes it can be hours or days afterwards. I’m not suggesting it’s okay to be rude or cold or distant with people just because I’m autistic and that they have to accept that. I am fortunate though that my closest friends do understand me, although most of them are ND themselves!

I think some men definitely get uncomfortable/jealous about groups of women getting together for a laugh and a drink.His remark about the dog not being fed is a passive aggressive way of implying that you are somehow so lost in enjoying yourself that you are neglecting your 'duty'. I have a friend and our daughters are the same age and got on brilliantly ( now grown up) , so once a week we spent time all together, me and the other mum talking and sometimes having a drink, and the little girls off playing happily together. However if her son was around forget it! He was a few years older than his sister and my daughter ( he was about 9 or 10) and he would do everything he could to disrupt us chatting and the girls playing. He would hang around complaining, slamming doors , interrupting and spoiling the girl's games by insisting he got to choose the games ,trying to get his mother's attention away from me ( he didn't do this when he had a friend of his own to play with) The point I am making is that is that some men and boys feel threatened by female bonding and/or think that they should be the centre of attention. It sounds like your husband hasn't got past this phase. Maybe got to do with his childhood trauma ( but he won't agree to help) he is hiding behind psychobabble of autism to justify his puerile behaviour. He needs a diagnosis in that case. You don't have to stand for this manchild. Either he takes steps to address his issues or you tell him to take his miserable hide elsewhere.

Can't excuse his behaviour on being autistic, depressed or whatever without going to the GP and seeking an actual diagnosis and help. He can't expect you to take the silent treatments, the excessive drinking and all the nonsense without a hiccup. He can't expect you to show endless patience towards his crap behaviour towards you without agreeing to go to couples therapy.

Tbh, it sounds like he's not into this marriage and family set up anymore, as sad as it is. People that love and respect their partners don't behave like this towards them. Without his willingness to engage in improving things for you all, you're in for a long, unhappy life (and not that great for your DD to witness) imo unless you think of a way out.

Had you actually fed the dog/your DD? If you had, I'd understand him feeling your response was sarcastic. But if you hadn't fed them, there was nothing wrong with your reply.