DH angry about my behaviour at playdate

He is a bitter depressive v hard to get treated as they blame everyone but themselves

he does not sound autistic but alcoholic and miserable

silent treatment is abuse

consider ending this marriage

The AA, or whatever, counselling will help him get out of the house and talking to others in a similar alcohol dependency situation. It will do him the world of good.

Well done for getting the ball rolling OP.

To help him you’ll need to stop drinking around him too.

This man of yours is depressed. Depression shows itself in many ways, emotional, physical and behavioural changes. People can feel empty and numb, becoming irritated and angry over the smallest thing. People no longer feel joy or happiness, feeling guilty and worthlessness. So for all that say, get rid of him, do not put up with it, you know, the usual, he needs help, but doesn't yet know it. I know it will not be easy for you, living with him like this, but if possible, try and speak to him about it. Things will not change, until he gets the help he needs. My heart goes out to you, as you are suffering too. I hope he may soon realise, he has a problem.

Think there is more alcohol involved here for him. Hidden upstairs?

Its made me not want to have anyone over while he's here

That's exactly his intention, you should have nobody over as it interferes with his drinking. Was he simmering because he had no alcohol upstairs?

There was nothing wrong with what you said. Saying 'no child has been fed or washed yet' is a standard expression when time has gotten away from us.

In what way do you expect a ND diagnosis to help?

Sorry I’m not trying to be rude, but it won’t it’s just a diagnosis not a treatment. It won’t change anything for you or your family other than having a nice big sticker to place on your issues.

You need to look for solutions to the problem, or actually he does.

Big lines in the sand are needed so he can shape up or ship out. none of this sounds nice for any of you, tough decisions are needed now to improve everyone’s life.

Your husband is an abusive alcoholic OP. Do not buy into the bullshit that this has anything to do with “autism”. I put “autism” in quotes because he has not been diagnosed, and so many people seem to think it is acceptable to equate autism with abusive behaviour when they have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

He uses you @Plastictreesofgold to get his daily fix. He is most definitely an alcoholic imo. Stay strong , OP, and look after you

I can see how someone overly sensitive would take your jokey responses negatively. I would draw a very firm boundary around expecting him to access trauma therapy if he wants to stay living with you and your child. Internal Family Systems therapy is very good, also EMDR.

An autism diagnosis would help a little but the major issue is his immaturity stemming from childhood trauma. It’s not fair on you and your child if he uses alcohol instead of dealing with his issues head on.

I could not have said it better - 100%

The self-diagnosis card, thus feeling no one can ever be held accountable for their actions, is exhausting on the rest of us who see it for what it is.

Autism has nothing to do with this.
He drinks to much and obviously wants to make it so you dont have people in your house.
Its very simple.
He controls the household the mood the tone and only you can change it. He wont change.
Stop blaming Autism

He doesn't like you having friends at all, so wants to stop you seeing them. How does he cope at work when he has to interract with people.

I would hate to be young nowadays. Every tom, dick and harry is self diagnosing themselves with any random affliction that abdicates them of acting like a responsible adult. Worse still, they expect the few sane rational people left to go along with their charade. Don't get me started on self medication through alcohol or weed.

Personally I refuse to engage with anyone who has not been professionally assessed. I suggest you do the same Op.

I had ds1 with a man like this. He couldn’t stand it when I spent time with friends. Would always pick a fight. He too had a difficult childhood. He also drank too much and got nasty. He was very insecure and jealous. He couldn’t change. He was too old. One night after I’d been out with friends he beat me up. Just bear it in mind because your experience sounds so familiar.

I can vaguely see how he might of felt awkward with your first comment about nobody being fed, like you two had a joke going and he wasn't included but it's a stretch to see it that way and he said it was your tone he was offended by. He's awkward and that was an awkward situation for him.

How can he take your daughter to the zoo but he can't buy himself wine in a shop? Why is he buying a bottle a day instead of ordering ten bottles from Sainsburys.

If he's had childhood trauma that sucks but as a loving Dad (he sounds like he is in his own way) can he think it's okay to function as he is in front of his daughter? Have you thought up until now that him drinking that much is okay? I can't imagine buying my partner a bottle a day and being okay with that. I would be long gone at that point.

He would possibly benefit from anti anxiety medication. He sounds autistic, didn't you have clues before DD?
I would have a very frank calm discussion with him regarding him not helping himself and I would end the relationship, you're not having sex etc you're just bad room mates, what's the point? Your daughter isn't benefiting at this point. What a sad situation. Good luck.

He said he was just "sad" because I ignored him and didn't interact enough with him when my friend was there. He said he felt invisible.

Hypocrite. He buggers off as soon as your friend arrives, isn't even polite, but when he thinks someone else has had your attention for too long and he wants it back on him YOU didn't interact with HIM enough.

Selfish mardy hypocrite.

YANBU - he shouldn’t be sulking and rude like this. I also think that his drinking is out of control and part of the problem too.

But with regard to your jokes, I can see how he felt upset by them. The first comment about ‘not a child in the house being fed’ could have come across as you putting him down or making a joke to make your friend laugh rather than interacting with your DH normally. It’s like you played to the audience to get a laugh at his expense after he’d come in and asked a perfectly reasonable question. These kind of comments have upset me before. It’s like the person you’re talking to isn’t being themselves. You should just have said something like, “No, sorry. I haven’t got anyone any food yet. I’ll sort DD’s in a moment, but it would be great if you could feed the dog, please 😊 “

Him saying “You always do this” could be a comment on him feeling pushed out because you ‘change’ and make jokey comments rather than talk to him normally.

I know you’ve mentioned autism but could he also be depressed? My ex was depressed but it showed as anger and grumpiness not sadness.

Perfect response 👌

Poor little girl living with an abusive alcoholic.

The costant reference to Autism pisses me off on MN.

He's an abusive nasty arsehole whom may be autistic.

You and your child are being controlled and abused.

You need to put your child first and get away from this nasty prick.

I would say that your husband has a high level of anxiety, which often can go hand-in-hand with Autism. However, Autism or not, it's not a blank card to treat people like shit and it shouldn't be used as an excuse to do so.

Your husband refuses to seek a proper diagnosis from a professional, he refuses to see a therapist either for his trauma or to help his marriage, and no doubt he'd refuse help to stop drinking too.

All of the above is your husband's responsibility to address; you can't 'fix' him. You need to stop enabling his drinking, by refusing to buy the alcohol. You need to tell him, that he's dependent on the alcohol to function, and therefore is an alcoholic.

If he won't help himself, then for your daughter's sake, you need to end the marriage.

He's just annoyed that you gave some time and attention to someone other than him. What a big baby.