DH angry about my behaviour at playdate

I sent him a text today (as he refuses to talk about it in person) and said that I wanted him to move forward ASAP with ND diagnosis and or trauma counselling and that from now on I wasn't buying any alcohol.

Well done for this! That's a great start. I do think you need marriage counselling too. If he's not willing to do the counseling, you need to think of your next steps here and let him know that you can't carry on like this.

He called me very upset saying that the disagreement over the playdate had nothing to do with his potential autism or alcohol use and that im inventing the issue in my head he wasn't even angry about it (he certainly seemed angry when he told me I was obnoxious and treated him like a c word).

Don't let him distract from the main issue here which is NOT the play date. It's his alcoholism and issues in your marriage.

He said he was just "sad" because I ignored him and didn't interact enough with him when my friend was there. He said he felt invisible.
He admitted that he misunderstood my first comment about the dog.

Great. A sort of apology but I have a feeling he'll say anything to get you buying his alcohol, or tolerating his alcohol use.

He wanted me to explain how his alcohol use is connected I wasn't getting into it I just said again "I'm not buying it anymore". He will be home later so not sure how that will go but I think it's clear I've been enabling his drinking and that stops now.

That's huge progress. I do think you need support to stop enabling his drinking because he will pull out all the stops. If he buys it himself, are you going to tolerate that? If he refuses counselling for himself or your marriage, are you going to tolerate that? What are your boundaries? Is there anyone in RL who can help you stick to them? Because it's not going to be easy but you don't want to be in a worse place this time next year.

I would say he's autistic and has become an alcoholic as a result of using alcohol to cope with life, but I agree with everything else you say.

OP I'm autistic and I used to use alcohol to help me cope with the world and I think that's what your DH is doing.

I also think it's unacceptable for him to behave as he does and he needs to find better coping mechanisms and take responsibility for his feelings and behaviour.

Additionally I think he isn't going to change and you need to decide if you can live with it.

My Dad was like this, minus the drinking, he is undiagnosed autistic, and my mum chose to stay with him. However my childhood was awful as a result and I always wished she had left him. He's still the same now.

So think about your daughter as well and what she's going through living with this.

It's not easy. I'm sorry.

He drinks a bottle of wine at least 5 nights a week he says its because of the stress of masking

Oh he can fuck off with this shit. He's an alcoholic making excuses to justify why. All his behaviour can be attributed to the effects of alcoholism. There's no need for him to have ever gone down this road. If he was stressed and not coping he could have gone to the GP who would very likely have given him some antidepressants and put him on a waiting list for therapy for the trauma. But that's no fun is it? Can't get a buzz off those 🙄 His lifestyle is a choice and the sooner you wake up to that the better. You're in a marriage with an addict who has no intention of changing and who has checked out of the relationship.

Good point. You would think.if he wasvto lazy or embarrassed to buy it himself he would just order online.

You can be ND and a arsehole. Those two things are not mutually exclusive.

Regardless of diagnosis, he clearly takes things literally and misunderstands humour. You could be more literal with him in front of friends and turn it back on him to come up with solutions. So if says have you fed the dog? Sorry i forgot, go ahead or "What do you want me to do?"

But that's exhausting checking yourself constantly. He sounds draining sorry. Or you could try saying "I forgot and will do that now". So just be factual and bland.

My kids are ND and because we are stuck with each other ( if ds was my husband I'd be long gone). I can mutter under my breath and we can both reflect and apologise. But my ds is severely autistic. He has empathy and strives to be liked. Do you think your dh wants to be liked or is he just self motivated? No need to answer that on here. Not getting socail norms or jokes / idioms is not the same as being self motivated and selfish.

Autistic people don't always get banter and sarcasm and he may have taken your joke more seriously than you intended, especially as it was in front of your friend in his house which he probably regards as his safe space.
However, as he has never actually been assessed as having autism you don't really know if this applies to him anyway.
As his behaviour seems terrible all round(and adding in the drinking) I think there is more than autism going on. He sounds either selfish and abusive or has other mental health issues.
Only you can decide if you want to live with this and if it is fair on your child. If he wont get help it's really not your job to fix it and it sounds like he's getting worse. Think about the future, dealing with him and teenager in the same house.

Based on the play date instance, and that alone, I would be inclined to forgive him. Yes, he was grumpy and unreasonable, but with his (self diagnosed) autism, I think it was a difficult situation for him to handle with the jokes that made him feel stupid. I know they weren’t intended that way, and probably wouldn’t have made anyone else feel like that, but he felt awkward and uncomfortable and that’s a common autistic trait during social interactions. He needs to work on handling it better, and couples counselling may be needed for the other issues, but him saying he felt stupid isn’t a divorce maker to me. He needs to stop with the silent treatment, though. Even if he says he needs to be alone for X amount of time to process his feelings.

He sounds pathetic, the probable autism excuse has been done to death, he’s just rude and obnoxious and using it as an excuse. Tell him to stop acting like a man child or find somewhere else to live.

Impossible to say if your husband is on the autistic spectrum, based on his self diagnosis, or what you have posted, it would need to be properly assessed.

There are plenty of other possible explanations. It does sound as though he dislikes you and has checked out of the marriage.

He did nor call the OP C... He sad she was treating him like a C...

A man I know suspected he had autism. Went through all the tests and was diagnosed. But it hasn’t made any difference. Maybe his wife can be more understanding. But she knew he was autistic anyway and made lots of allowances.

if he won’t go to couples therapy then I think you’ve every right to offer an ultimatum - couples therapy or separation.

something here has to change or you’ll end up living like you’re treading on eggshells.
An ultimatum might shake him up.

The thing is if he doesn’t have, and hasn’t sought, a diagnosis of autism then he’s really just exhibiting anti social behaviour and it sounds like you have started to appease him by responding in a jokey way. That’s a vicious cycle of poor communication and fear of the consequences of upsetting him. You are allowed to have friends and socialise in your home, he maybe masking trauma or ND with alcohol but it doesn’t make for a happy life for you or your child so the responsibility to seek help is his.

So, I have some experience with a similar dynamic. Your social interactions left him feeling pushed out/got at/the butt of the joke….

His communication left you feeling got at, sidelined, ignored, and like he was angry with you.

This is a two way thing and he has to agree to work at it as well. It sounds as if the expectation is that you will change, you will facilitate, you will support him in his various preferences.

He needs to stop being angry and nasty when he’s upset. He needs to know that the impact on you is enough to end the marriage, and he needs to shape up. Counselling, diagnosis, and addressing his dependence on alcohol.
He’s currently using autism/trauma as an excuse rather than using them to understand himself better and manage things better.

How does he cope at work then?

Or getting petrol?

Or paying for the zoo ticket? Or buying her an ice cream or sandwich while at the zoo?

I agree with pp, it's because he doesn't want anyone else knowing he drinks to excess and that is what an alcoholic does, they hide their consumption. Every thing points to that (and being a horrible person) and not autism at all. Btw do you think he could be over the limit still at school/work run time? A bottle a night 😬

Edit. I forgot to refresh. Oh OP, if he would drink multiple bottles a night if he bought more than one is bad, really bad.

My DH is also (supposedly- undiagnosed) autistic with childhood trauma. Can I ask (for my sake) how you tell which behaviours are autism and which are damage from childhood trauma?

This. And a lack of bloody manners!

when I text him the next morning to say my DD ended up vomiting during the night he didn't respond.

Sorry OP but this is the saddest red flag of them all.

It sounds like you and your husband are so focused on your troubled marriage and communication problems, that the anxiety this is causing your daughter is going unnoticed by both of you.

I do get that it's hard to see the bigger picture, when the effects of who said what, and why, and what did it mean, are so immediate and all-consuming that they seem to be the problem.

But I'd suggest you don't let these arguments distract you from really matters, which is your daughter and her wellbeing.

Once you have that as your priority, everything else about your situation will become clearer.

Have seen this so many times at the in-laws.
FIL has autism and narcissistic personality disorder (only just diagnosed by NHS mental health team).
Will have been upset and moody to hear you having fun with a friend as he has none (npd) grandkids use the term "fun sponge"
Not be happy the dog/childs regular feeding time was delayed (autism)
Not understand the jokey comment and think it was about him (autism)
Not want a stranger in his house (autism)
Realise that HIS needs of having you run to the shop for booze we're not going to be met and sulked (ncp)
Feel he has not been prioritised or put on a pedestal while friend was over (ncp)

Fil made all of Mil friends feel so uncomfortable they never visited. Made life very hard if we visited - 2 hour journey each way, would refuse to feed the kids etc so we would have to leave.

So you decide if you want this... You seem hell bent on getting a diagnosis but it won't change anything. If you don't realise that he will hate any fun spontaneous activity like a play date then you really need to wake up.
Do glad to hear you are stoppi g the alcohol. It's a good first step

Some autistic people struggle to read tone and/or detect sarcasm. I think it's easy to say "leave him, he's an arsehole etc" but life isn't always that simple.
But if he's not willing to change or get help you're stuck with this! He doesn't sound willing to change.

The comments about him being an alcoholic are a bit off the mark, however the amount he's drinking obviously means it's almost irrelevant whether he is or not. But an alcoholic would not go without booze just because they hate going into shops and interacting with people. He's self -medicating his autism with wine which, while it will have the same deleterious effect, does not have the same effect. If he was diagnosed and developed coping strategies and was medicated for his depression he could quit the booze habit.
So you're right to push him for a diagnosis and right also to stop buying the booze for him..

Him being autistic and having childhood trauma are red herrings. It sounds more like him having main character syndrome, which doesn't work now that there's a child in the mix.

Once you become a parent part of the deal is that you are responsible for another person's wellbeing. It sounds like he preferred when you could concentrate more on him. With hindsight, do you think you have always been smoothing things over for him and being more thoughtful than he is for you?

Anyway, your poor daughter is growing up thinking this is normal. If it's not the life you want her to choose when she's choosing a partner then you must show her that there's an alternative.

Are you sure he would want to share custody of DD if you separated & divorced?

Why doesn't he go to the shop?

Bullsh1t.
He’s a controlling, abusive and alcoholic twat.