AIBU to expect my husband to learn basic household habits?

My husband is extremely untidy, but will clean up brilliantly if we have guests, so I spring that on him from time to time & it works well as he responds to pressure. I also take nothing to do with washing his clothes, that's his job. He does all the cooking & as a result has to buy all the shopping, we came to this arrangement early on in our relationship because of his inept attempts at cleaning up after dinner. I think completely refusing to do some things can work out quite well if you stick to your guns.

Tidiness just isn't very important to me.

Exactly! My 21 year old is like this but is currently in the early stages of his first serious relationship. Bedroom is is suddenly clean, tidy and hoovered regularly. Bedding is independently changed once a week and no collection of plates and cups up there.

They know exactly what to do when they actually give a shit. Currently every time he leaves a pair of trainers by the front door I take the laces out for him 🤣

I am 41 years old. I have been around the block and back again. I have never been with a man who isn't 'housetrained'. Every man i have ever had a relationship with, including my DH enjoyed living in a tidy environment.

Did these men live in hovels when you all met them? I genuinely don't understand how, after the first time you had to pick up his dirty socks, underwear, wet towel up off the floor, it happened again?

It's very 80's to me (because my dad was like this, or tried to be), very old fashioned and I would bloody cringe at a man these days who felt that he didnt have to do anything in the house, not even pick up his own rubbish, cos he has a penis.
Surely living with someone who doesn't know how to look after themselves and their surroundings is like living with a giant toddler. I don't want a giant toddler, I want a man.

He was like this when you chose to marry him so why are you expecting him to change.

Did you not see how he lived before you married him? DH lived with his parents and then we moved in together straight away but I definitely did my due diligence and checked he wasn’t being waited on by his mum. I am never normally the one to say “not all men” but there’s definitely a decent amount of them who can do basic house hold tasks… I’d say out of me and DH he is neater than I am. We are both clean people, but I can handle a bit of clutter while he absolutely can’t.

Some of you just married mingers…

There was some research on how some people genuinely don't see what is in front of them (can't remember all the scientific explanation, but basically it's an issue with the brain, not eyes). We're learning more all the time about stuff like that-remember how people used to say ADHD/Arfid etc wasn't real, but laziness/bad parenting?
So, if it doesn't bother him, let it go.
If it does bother you, then you do that bit, and give him other tasks to do. Same as if he wants an all grey house, and you want a brightly coloured patterned rainbow house, just compromise if he's a good partner otherwise.

Work, read, do life admin, exercise, watch films, catch up on current affairs, think about art, stare out of the window, watch internet videos of cute baby animals.

I get round to housework in the fullness of time. The house is clean enough. It's never, ever at the forefront of my mind. Literally anything else is more interesting to think about.

My ex was like this - not the reason he is an ex. I took his used tissues, sandwich or pizza crusts left laying around, and put them in his work bag, any items of clothing on the floor that I was expected to clear up, I cleared up, like a good little wifey. I cleared them into bin bags and hid them in the loft to begin with. He bought more clothes, so I hid those items in bin bags too, then I hid the bin bags in the bin.
He learned.
I hid all his camera stuff, that he just dumped any old where, in my camera bag. Then he really learned.

It just took some brutal training.

Have you asked him why he expects you to have to encounter his used tissues and dirty socks everywhere? Why he thinks it’s okay to use up every mug in the house, hoarding them in his office and not letting you use any?

Used tissues is just gross. Different standard of cleanliness is one thing but actively leaving snotty germy tissues around surely isn’t acceptable to the messiest of people.

Oh my husband does that leaves biscuit wrappers on his table when he works from home I think.he is just lazy and gets distracted, im never in the room so I don't care he clears it eventually.

It’s not. I bet he manages to not leave dirty tissues at his arse in work.

Do you think? Maybe because most people will either pocket their tissue or bin it.

Some people are just more tidy than others
Has he never lived alone ??
Because when you live alone you work out the type of person you are ,either messy or tidy
With no one on your back telling you what to do .
So what was he like when he lived alone op ....was his house messy ?
If he went from living with mum to you ,he probably feels like your mum number 2 telling him what to do all the time .
Recipe for disaster if your having to constantly instruct him

Saying what I said @edvardsghost leaving dirty tissues lying about is gross

I read a tip on here a couple years ago when my DH was doing the sock thing, put all his socks on his pillow. It works!

All the effort isn't being made to one partner. I'm sure both people can compromise and the "tidy" partner accept a less tidy house than they would like and the "untidy" partner listen and make an effort to address the things that are causing upset.
Putting dirty underwear in the wash basket and dirty tissues in the bin are not particularly "tidy" requests just common adult behaviours when living with others.

I'm the "less tidy" person in our marriage. I am untidy and messy but always clean and hygienic because that's how a functioning adult who respects their other half is.

He can't learn because it is ingrained that someone else will do it, he doesn't want to live to your standards so disrespects you and knows you will pick up snotty tissues and dirty socks, so it isnt something he wants to learn. So you either leave his mess to him to clean up or you clean up after him. I honestly think it has got to this stage.

It’s not just about reading which is what people typically think of……it’s things like sentence composition, struggling to get what’s in their head down onto paper and when they do it often doesn’t make sense to others, and those same “jumbled” thought processes impact of other basic tasks too e.g. DSD brings laptop home from school because it needs charging but doesn’t think to bring the power cable that’s in her locker, or takes PEkit because it’s hockey today but doesn’t take the hockey stick. They can come across as frustratingly disorganised and untidy!
or he might just be poorly housetrained 🤣

Choosing not to learn something as basic as putting stuff in the bin is weaponised incompetence.
Would he leave a dirty tissue by the sink at work?

He doesn’t do it because he knows you will it’s that’s simple.